My kid came out to me as trans and asked if I still accepted them for who they are. I told them quite clearly that I loved them no matter what they chose.
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
Interviewer: Can you explain these 4 jobless years in your resume? Applicant: That's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: Impressive! You are hired!
Applicant: Thanks, I really need this yob.
I often read dad jokes here and think to myself, "That's not funny at all!" or "Come on man! Another repost!?" or "Boooooriiiiing!" And then...
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."
My son was making dinner in the kitchen so I said to him, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there!"
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end!"
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop
but when I got home, all the signs were there.
My wife told the marriage counselor that she wanted a separation because she couldn't handle the constant Star Wars puns, I leaned over to the counselor and said
Divorce is strong with this one.
There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight.
The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
My wife asked me to name two structures that hold water
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
It appears that Will and Jada's marriage is open to everything
Don't go to the tattoo artist that used to be a math teacher
They really did a number on me
Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party?
Wifey had long been suffering from heart ailments, and so we were thrilled to know that they finally found a good match for replacement. On the day of the surgery though, she seemed really nervous. So I asked her..
if she was having a change of heart. She was.
I made a device that travels to the past to make sure food is properly seasoned.
I call it my Thyme Machine
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
This was in the room when I got my massage. What's the first thing that comes to mind when reading this?
JUST ANNOUNCED: Disney in talks of a Star Wars - Back to the Future crossover where Marty flies so far back in time (long, long ago) that he fuses with his car
He becomes the ManDeLorean
You ever see geese flying in a V and one side tends to get longer than the other. Know why that is?
It's because there are more geese on that side.
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I happen to know of couple grapes that are going to law school
They’re really raisin the bar.
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me...
“How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
We should all give more respect to those that wear glasses
They literally paid to see us
I asked my dad if that was a frying pan in the pantry. To which he replied, "No, it's a wok in closet."
Such a fine display of dad-pan humor.
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
Somebody that I used to know
Who's the singer that asian kids listening most to?
Did you know that the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of them just have four.
(Credit to a gentleman who is a true dad amongst dad-jokers for teaching me this one - we run kayak tours in the bayou together, and this is one of my favorite gems to share with the guests).
I'd like to say that the ladies over at /r/cricut love me, but...
our couples therapist said, “your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?” to which I replied
“well, to be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers”
My dad once told me that if I wanted to make a difference in the world, I should put my money where my mouth is.
He was right. I can really taste the change.
What do you name your pet crow that is very soft to the touch?
My wife keeps saying that we need to be on the same page
I don't even know what book she's reading
A genie appeared and told me he'd grant one wish. I said, "Ha! That's easy! I wish to score 100% on all my tests!"
Next morning, I tested positive for Covid.
Things that are cold, wet, and slippery are the easiest to spell.
Didn't make sense at first, but I-C-Y
There was a worlwide study of bees, and they discovered that the bees from one country consistently tried to enter the hive upside down, and then realizing the mistake, would enter the correct way. What countries bee was this?
The U.S. Bee. (Edit: think computers - not a slag against America)
I had a neon sign made to inform my friend that he was wrong
I view this as the ultimate form of gaslighting.
The nurse told my grandfather with cancer who was in agony that she's going to give him some morphine.
He said doesnt want any morphine. He wants lessphine instead.
RIP to a dad until the end.
What do you call a shovel that loves to cuddle?
What do you call a piece of wood that has nothing to do?
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
What do you call a crab that like to paint?
did you know that there are tents surviving that genghis khan used to sleep in?
i just scored one on ebay
thought you guys might appreciate my original Khan tent
My wife interrupted me while I was singing "Somebody that I used to know". She said I'm too addicted to the song.
And I agree, but she didn't have to cut me off.
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water
I often read dad jokes here and think to myself, “That’s not funny at all!” or “Come on man! Another repost!?” or “Boooooriiiiing!” And then...
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