I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps."
I was right. I was playing the B-side.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy, said he works as a web developer.
I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..
..and they did some unspeakable things to me.
A son asks his dad, "Dad, what it is like to be drunk?"
The dad replies, "Well son, you see those two cars ahead of you. A drunk man would see four of them."
To that the son replies, "But dad, I can see only one car."
I did it, I finally did it. After 4 years and 92 days I went from being a father, to a dad.
This morning, my 4 year old daughter.
Daughter: I'm hungry
Me: nerves building, smile widening
Me: Hi hungry, I'm dad.
She had no idea what was going on but I finally did it.
Thank you all for listening.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Why was it only $2 for the pirate to get both his ears pierced?
He got the buccaneer special
I've decided to quit my job as a Personal Trainer, I'm always feeling drained, and just not physically up to it..
So I've just handed in my too weak notice..
Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.
Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized.
I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him.
"Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked.
"Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it."
"Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
My herbal addiction is getting out of control. Rosemary, Sage, anything to get that herbal hit. When the money ran out I raided the garden, that's cleared out now. Some friends have been lending me some of theirs, but it's not enough to keep me going.
I'm just living on borrowed thyme.
I couldn’t rush more than this to post it!
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”
“It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I went to the hospital the other day because my wife was giving birth. The doctor came out of the room, handed me a baby and said “I’m sorry— your wife didn’t make it.”
I said, “Okay, could you give me the one my wife made?”
You wouldn’t expect a country with a name like Russia to invade so slowly. It’s like they’re Stalin.
My jokes are always bad, I’m always Putin my foot in my mouth.
I had to reset my password, chicken, to have a capital in it
Did you hear about the man who had such a gambling problem, he ended up selling every single body part to pay for it?
He should have quit while he was still a head.
Hey- it’s come to our attention that some of you who are posting here aren’t actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
What did a nut say to the nut it was chasing?
It is OK to be Frank with people
Or Josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom with some flowers, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
I'm looking forward to the Fibonacci convention later this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Because we are very efficient and have a poor sense of humor.
I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella actually wanted to call it brella...
It is a five minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it's $1.50. You know why?
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One or two? One... or two?
I tried shipping a Bon Jovi album to my cousin for Christmas but it hasn’t been delivered
The tracking report keeps saying “oh, it’s halfway there”
It’s been months since I bought the book “How to Scam People Online”.
It still hasn’t arrived….
My pet snake was sneezing, so i gave it a Claritin. Now it won't speak to me!
I shouldn't have given him an anti-hiss-tamine.
Everyday I drive to work there is a nun walking to work at the catholic school down the street. It was so cold today but there she was walking again
I guess she's just in the habit.
One to embody power, the other to crave it.
It takes me a while to post because I lost my hand in an accident
I'm sure there's a joke in there but I can't put my finger on it.
If you can't say it to your 5 yr old kid, its not a dad joke.
I'm getting really sick of all the NSFW jokes that have been hitting the front page lately. I know I'm not the only one who feels this either.
IF YOU CAN'T TELL THE JOKE TO YOUR KID, IT'S NOT A DAD JOKE.
dad jokes are clean, thats why they're dad jokes. If you have an NSFW joke, please refer to r/unclejokes.
I'm sorry if I sound whiney, but dad jokes are dad jokes and uncle jokes are uncle jokes.
At the weekends, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park, but it's becoming increasingly harder..
to find exactly 32 of them..
Why is it easy to weigh fish?
Because they have Thier own scales
I saw on Reddit that 30 percent of people allow their pets to sleep in bed with them. I decided to try it...
How many tickles does it take to make a octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles
I'll show my self out...
I told my son Facebook is changing its name to Meta. He asked "what's a meta?"
I said "nothing, what's a meta with you?"
What is it called when a pig goes to hell?
I got into an argument with my sister the other day. She said it was impossible to make a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s not buying it. In fact...
...he’s still making fun of me.
Every day, a doctor would go to the same bar and order a chestnut daiquiri. One day, the bartender ran out of chestnut and used hickory instead. The doctor came in, sipped it, and exclaimed, “Ew! What is this?!”. The bartender replied:
“That’s a hickory daiquiri, doc!”
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…
So I did. We had a few drinks, pretty cool guy. He said he works as a web developer.
I tried to teach my son that it's normal to pee in your pants.
But he still teases me about it.
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