URINE for a treat right here! A sticker on the bathroom wall at work.
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
My wife said she saw a deer on the way to work today.
I said, that can't be true, deer don't work.
Why can’t DJs find work in the seafood industry?
Because they are always dropping the bass.
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
I sat on the toilet, angry, exhausted, and late for work.
I said to myself, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
When I open the fridge after a long day at work only to find water, milk and juice, I start to feel like David Gilmour.
"How I wish... How I wish you were beer."
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
On the way to work I saw a fireman.
So I called the fire department, man.
Where’d the one-legged waitress work?
I think I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody got higher than me.
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
On the way to work I saw a man walking his dogs...
At first he took one step and then stopped. Then he took three steps and then stopped. He kept increasing his steps this way along the sidewalk when I thought to myself, “That’s an odd way of walking.”
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
The meteorologist didn't turn up for work.
He was under the weather.
According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
It’s a mail dominated industry.
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her.
Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.
He was an artificial art official.
I work for the Marvel Comics Fairy Agency making magic sticks.
I'm a part of the WANDaVision.
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day
He’s struggling to make ends meet
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
I've an uncle who works for the symphonie part-time.
A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:
Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....
Did you hear about the two guys who were prosecuted for plagiarizing a 1920’s German artist’s work?
They went to jail because de stijl.
I’m in charge of the reader board at work
Why was the math teacher late to work?
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.
Her: What can I do for you?
Me: I'm looking for a date.
Her: Oh, what kind of dates?
Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)
My Dad works in the ceiling fan industry
The devil and a criminal work great together
After all, they have great sin-ergy.
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?
I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?
I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
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