What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A Civil Serpent.

πŸ‘︎ 592
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can’t DJs find work in the seafood industry?

Because they are always dropping the bass.

πŸ‘︎ 102
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Valgaras
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.

πŸ‘︎ 586
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat on the toilet, angry, exhausted, and late for work.

I said to myself, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Where’d the one-legged waitress work?

IHOP

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jalfredproofrock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I think I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.

It’s all Maple leaf

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryman85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
On the way to work I saw a man walking his dogs...

At first he took one step and then stopped. Then he took three steps and then stopped. He kept increasing his steps this way along the sidewalk when I thought to myself, β€œThat’s an odd way of walking.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeshSV
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.

So, I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The meteorologist didn't turn up for work.

He was under the weather.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.

I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her. Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....

One Whole

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Soter_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.

It’s a mail dominated industry.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I work for the Marvel Comics Fairy Agency making magic sticks.

I'm a part of the WANDaVision.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.

He was an artificial art official.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'

What do they want a medal?

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day

He’s struggling to make ends meet

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frosty_boblem
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I've an uncle who works for the symphonie part-time.

He's a semi-conductor.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didn’t work well. The preacher told him:

Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two guys who were prosecuted for plagiarizing a 1920’s German artist’s work?

They went to jail because de stijl.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tds8t7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors

I hear it’s cause they don’t want Covid going around....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m in charge of the reader board at work
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alx924
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Dan Rather asks, "Why is the White House suddenly a very polite place to work?" twitter.com/DanRather/sta…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the math teacher late to work?

She took the rhombus.

πŸ‘︎ 189
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/babydluv21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisrus65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.

Her: What can I do for you?

Me: I'm looking for a date.

Her: Oh, what kind of dates?

Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gliscor_dude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The devil and a criminal work great together

After all, they have great sin-ergy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WitherLord888
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My Dad works in the ceiling fan industry

He says it's Fantastic

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/junkboatfloozy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?

Have a good wheek-end!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonkin_GuineaPig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?

I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?

I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."

Note: this really happened.

πŸ‘︎ 358
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LemonAdeAid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been enjoying the work of some of my favorite graphic artists on my commute to work...

But for some reason, whenever I bring out MC Escher’s art, I get weird stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that

Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning

I said β€œI bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTombstoneswe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?

Audios

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bonjourkoala
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.

I walked into a chilly reception.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IlltimedYOLO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?

Meteorologists.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterThenatoni
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to make jokes about the millions unemployed and out of work.

Sadly, they never work.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormbreaker636
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 264
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report

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