What do you call a snake that works for the government?
π︎ 592
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Why canβt DJs find work in the seafood industry?
Because they are always dropping the bass.
π︎ 102
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
π︎ 586
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
I sat on the toilet, angry, exhausted, and late for work.
I said to myself, βI donβt have time for this shit.β
π︎ 52
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
Whereβd the one-legged waitress work?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
I think I aced the drug test at work today.
Nobody got higher than me.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I just found out the country of Canada is a complete work of fiction.
π︎ 76
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
On the way to work I saw a man walking his dogs...
At first he took one step and then stopped. Then he took three steps and then stopped. He kept increasing his steps this way along the sidewalk when I thought to myself, βThatβs an odd way of walking.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
π︎ 135
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 84
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
The meteorologist didn't turn up for work.
He was under the weather.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
Just got an epic eye roll for this: My son was showing me his school work from math, where he was learning fractions. I pointed to where he wrote his name on a line at the top and asked what that fraction was.
I told him it should be {Sons Name} / Mommy. Since he came from her.
Then I said he could reduce that fraction further since he came from his mommy, that fraction would equal....
One Whole
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
According to a recent study, itβs really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
Itβs a mail dominated industry.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
I work for the Marvel Comics Fairy Agency making magic sticks.
I'm a part of the WANDaVision.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.
He was an artificial art official.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
π︎ 31
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
I saw an interview with an out of work contortionist the other day
Heβs struggling to make ends meet
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
I've an uncle who works for the symphonie part-time.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
A preacher with a lisp hired a sinner to paint his church. To save money, the sinner man added water into the paint can. It didnβt work well. The preacher told him:
Young man, you need to repaint and thin no more.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Did you hear about the two guys who were prosecuted for plagiarizing a 1920βs German artistβs work?
They went to jail because de stijl.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
The hospital I work at has shut down the revolving doors
I hear itβs cause they donβt want Covid going around....
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Iβm in charge of the reader board at work
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Why was the math teacher late to work?
π︎ 189
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
Why did the riot cop leave for work early?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.
Her: What can I do for you?
Me: I'm looking for a date.
Her: Oh, what kind of dates?
Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
The devil and a criminal work great together
After all, they have great sin-ergy.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
My Dad works in the ceiling fan industry
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?
I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...
So there were 6 of us...
With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)
There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".
Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"
The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.
Best day of my comedic life
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
I recently switched from using mayonnaise to using butter for making grilled cheese sandwiches. My wife said she liked them more with the butter, but kindly asked me if it was more work this way?
I answered: "It is, but only margarinely more."
Note: this really happened.
π︎ 358
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
Iβve been enjoying the work of some of my favorite graphic artists on my commute to work...
But for some reason, whenever I bring out MC Escherβs art, I get weird stairs.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
Feeling ugly? Work at a bee sanctuary and start helping the world! Everyone will think you are beautiful for that
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder
π︎ 88
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said βI bet you donβt have the guts to do that againβ
π︎ 31
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
What did the sound engineer say on his last day of work?
π︎ 37
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
I tried to make jokes about the millions unemployed and out of work.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, βI donβt have time for this shit.β
π︎ 131
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.
I thought, βI donβt have time for this shit.β
π︎ 264
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.