I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....

It was always just one ting after another.

Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThroneDiscs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
been a moment since i used the tea-rex meme template
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nothrishaant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.

That would be something, now wooden tit?

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phx14_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to say β€˜out with the old and in with the new’.

Lovely man, terrible antiques dealer...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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I accidentally used the wrong straw in my wife’s water bottle and broke it. She asked me to show her. I said...

This is the straw that broke the Camelback

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BassMan2511
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to play the triangle in a Reggae band but I left though

It was just one ting after another.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 659
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.

I wore a blindfold.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to be a flat earther. I even set out to sail across the ocean to find the big ice wall.

But eventually I came around.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jradio610
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the big dipper used to be part of the zodiac?

It was too confusing though. Everyone was like, "what's ursine?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?

Man....we were wild .

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."

"He was always looking down on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't seem to have the enthusiasm to break wind like I used to

In fact, the last few were very half-farted

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xAnxietyPrimex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
do you think the builders used a pic for reference?
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ooopd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Used to never be able to use the wifi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.

Now I have a stable connection.

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
One sloth turned and said to the other, "I used to dislike moss...

...but now I think it's growing on me."

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jedd-the-Jedi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I still dream about the time in my life when I used to sniff glue. It was many years ago now.

But that sort of thing stick in your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

They were the Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterntoothz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:

Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.

Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXJustaGuy420Xx
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a lumberjack who moonlighted as a serial killer. He used wood chippers to dispose of the bodies, which is why he was so prolific.

Every once in a while, these guys come out of the woodwork.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to know the name of a dessert where you pour espresso over a scoop of ice cream.

But affogato 'bout it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember when they used to have air at the gas station for free? Now it’s $1.50

You know why? Inflation!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanator_Obosit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to make artificial foliage for the movie industry,

until I got fired for barking up the wrong tree.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I used a dictionary...

It was a defining moment in my life.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?

It was due the second hand smoke

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

Then I turned myself around.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers straight out of the fridge

But then I quit cold turkey.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the pirate who had a sword he only used on women?

It was a cut-lass

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDobble
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.

Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathorcharcoal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is a Goodyear. The other is a very good year

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gauisg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle's friend won the Olympic gold with an epee made from a disposable thin metal sheet often used in cooking...

It was a good aluminum foil

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Archaeologists found traces of Trinitrotoluene in a T-Rex skeleton. Scientists have since determined that T-Rex's muscles used the compound to function.

TNT. It's dino might.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/veive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I wondered if I’d ever have the strength to hold things together like I used to

I’m a frayed knot

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psykotic24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be blind but I cured it. My wife was the first person I saw

It was love at first sight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to know a mushroom named Gus who was a blast to hang out with. That changed the day his girlfriend left him.

She said she preferred 2 fun-guy over one fun-Gus.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My pizza cutter broke the other day so I used an old Bryan Adams CD

Cuts like a knife!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/338geek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
You know I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...

But then I turned myself around, because at the end of the day that's what it's all about.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rslashhuman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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