We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
I told me therapist, “Last night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”
Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.
What did Baby Yoda say the first time he watched The Mandalorian on a high-def screen?
Not HDMI, because Baby Yoda can't speak.
What's the most popular beauty product during end times?
What can you use to prevent stepping on your cat all the time?
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.
It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
This Is A Paid advertisement: Have a home project you’re working on? For a limited time, Lowes Home Improvement is now selling Levels 2 for the price of 1!
What time of the year is it usually fly or die for baby birds?
For a temp job I had to conduct surveys on the street and often times people would reluctantly comply disclaiming to "Keep it short please!"
So my question was: What do you know about dwarves?
Once upon a time when I visited the dentist........
Doctor: What's the problem?
Me: I'm a moth.
Doctor: Excuse me?
Me: I'm a moth.
Doctor: Maybe you should see a psychiatrist not a dentist.
Me: I went to the psychiatrist about an hour ago.
Doctor: Then what are you doing here?
Me: Your light was on.
Heard about the time the surgeons rioted?
What time does the train pull into the station?
Choo-choo thirty, I'd say.
The only time people should fret over nothing
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
Best time to break out the backup cheese?
First time I’ve seen a real bobcat in the wild.
The first time I used an elevator, it was kinda uplifting
I heard pirates have a hard time with the alphabet
Whenever I say something, I’m right 98% of the time
The other 3% is when I do math
When is the most appropriate time to deliver a child?
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
People overcome adversity all the time... Look at Beethoven.
They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
What do you say the second time you have Grey Poupon?
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.
2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.
As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.
3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.
Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”
6:30 is the best time of the day.
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, I thought to myself,
When is the best time for a dentist appointment?
I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Imagine how tired Michelangelo was by the time he had finished painting..
Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
A drug addicted midget is the only thing that will always be both lower and higher than me at the same time.
Setting my heights real low on this one guys. Lol
If you time travel to the future and get decapitated-
You really are a head of your time
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.
This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
Joke by Terry Pratchett, ‘The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.
"I'm sorry," said the barman, "we don't serve time travellers."
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
How do you make 3 old ladies all yell profanities at the same time ?
Have a fourth one yell "BINGO"
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
The first time I seen my Wife was at the local Zoo. Our eyes met..
..and I knew She was a Keeper.
I would like to start doing Yoga but I can never find the time to.
Clothes drying was one of the most pioneering technologies of our time.
They were the first to go online.
The LEGO shop reopens tomorrow but I recommend avoiding it for the time being,
People will be lined up for blocks.
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
I’ve been learning to barbecue and grill meats. Last night was the first time I tried to smoke a turkey.
It was awfully hard to get it into the pipe.
What do you call Spider-Man when his hands shake all the time?
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
What do you call a ghost that haunts the set of a day-time tv talk show?
The Phantom of the Oprah.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
I just found out spiders are dizzy all the time.
All they do is spin around.
Did you hear about the time the lead singer of the band “The Police” went undercover to catch a criminal?
Meat Grown in Space for the First Time Ever
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
Today is the last time I am seeing my 11 year old brother!
Coz he's turning 12 tomorrow!
Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
Everyone loves pie. But when's the best time for pie?
Although at times the cops were able to catch up to that orange car on the Dukes of Hazard tv show...
...GeneralLee they weren’t fast enough
I told my wife I was going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order. She said "Where would you find the time ?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
Why do scientists chew gum all the time?
Because they like ex-spearmints.
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers"
Two time travelers walk into a bar
You know the old saying “Time flies like arrows”?
Well fruit flies like bananas!
So I travelled back in time, and was told THE BEST joke by ancient egyptians
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
One of my friends brags all the time that he can make a perfect circle
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
A boy leaned over to steal a kiss from his girl, but she was leaning over to steal a kiss at the same time.
They both made out like bandits.
I got to pour cement for the first time today.
The results were pretty concrete.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
My Dad once told me this: "People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven."
"They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"
If you time travel to the future and get decapitated-
You really are a head of your times
The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience
But the second time it let me down
The best time on an analogue watch is 6:30
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
What is the best time of the day, hands-down?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
