why was I told to "wait less" when I asked how we were floating?
Doctor: Are you ticklish
Patient: I’m not sure
Doctor: Alright I’m gonna give you a testicle
Its the final Final Countdown countdown.
I still can’t believe he spent that much time figuring out how a timer works.
My daughter tells me after putting in the cupcakes we're making. I entered 5:26
Daughter is looking at me weird, I say get it? Daughter groans... Mission accomplished.
Loving this sub! Anyway, my daughter is 7 now, but back when she was a baby her mother and I were getting ready to serve her some food.
Her: Can you grab a bowl?
Me: How about this one? It's a-Dora-bowl.
My dad yells "ROLL CALL!"
I was helping my mother last night move things inside the garage for the storm.
Her: Can you bring the bag from the bed of my truck in? Me: There's just fishing poles back here, want those inside? Her: Just the reel part. Me: with a 2 second pause Well, these aren't fake fishing poles. Her: ehehstare
... spent all weekend making this coffee table. I didn't think much of it until i saw him attaching some hoses, a water tank, a dirt tank, a fan, a propane tank and a timer. I asked him what the hell he was building and he said "Well twice a day it's going to shoot either fire, water, dirt or air." I sat there stunned and confused and just said "But....why?" He said "Why? Well that's because it's a periodic table of elements."
he then said, "time flies!"
She just uses a smoke alarm as a timer
They're old timers
These are actually oldspapers
They’re old timers.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they er... keep reading on reddit ➡
Her: Can you believe he's going to be 60? How did I marry such an old man?
Me: Well, I mean, aren't you gonna...
Her: What, are you going to say in 2 years I'll be 60 too?
Dad: Well no dear that's not right. In 2 years you'll be 60, in 4 years you'll be 62.
Everyone groans, I chuckle as I reach for my phone. So proud of the old-timer.
I had forgotten I told him this until an hour later when a timer goes off on his phone and he informs me his hour is up. That was his joke. I rolled my eyes so hard
No way I trust that two timer.
The smoke alarm is not a timer hon.
So I just paid my car tax online, and my dad asked if there was a timer saying "Processing" after I had entered my details. I said, "No, but I used a new beta service that's probably different to the old one." He said, "Oh, is that...beta than the old one?"
I was just looking for an old timer.
He was trying to figure out how to use the timer on it to take a selfie with us and my sister was covering her face. When asked why she said it's because she's ugly today.
My dad said "obviously, because it's breaking my camera!"
He tells his friend, I've gone sixty-seven years without glasses. Now they tell me I'll need them every day. His friend replies I've gone eighty-two years, and not needed glasses a day in my life. Oh yeah? Says the first old-timer. How's that? Because, says the second, I take my liqour from a bottle.
So I had dinner in the oven and was sitting in a chair across the room. I was using the microwaves timer to tell me how much longer before I had to take the chicken out. I have bad vision and wanted to know how much longer dinner would be so I asked "what does the microwave say?" and without missing a beat my dad replies "beep beep beep"
Timer went off and I said I had to go knead my dough. Dad replies, "Your dough needs you."
I work at a shoe store, often times when giving shoes to a customer we will sit down, especially the full-timers who are there a lot. My boss was sitting down talking to a customer about matching shoes with their outfits when it happened (he was sitting on tile):
"Yeah man, I always match my clothes... Hey, poortheologian, back me up and tell him that I do!"
"Okay." I then walked over, grabbed him and slid him about a foot back from where he was sitting.
He groaned, the groaned, I walked away.