First-timer as an astronaut here...

why was I told to "wait less" when I asked how we were floating?

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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First timer, go easy if it sucks

Doctor: Are you ticklish

Patient: I’m not sure

Doctor: Alright I’m gonna give you a testicle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stankylegwillis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Tom Scott Joke: What do you call a timer set for when the title track of Europe's 1985 album will be played for the last time?

Its the final Final Countdown countdown.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Icecreep109
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
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My kitchen timer is broken...good thing I wasn't counting on it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmRayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2015
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My buddy was cooking the other day and he set a timer for 18 minutes...

I still can’t believe he spent that much time figuring out how a timer works.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DisturbingDaPeace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Set the timer for five to six minutes

My daughter tells me after putting in the cupcakes we're making. I entered 5:26

Daughter is looking at me weird, I say get it? Daughter groans... Mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinSodder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
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The timer went off on the oven for the buns I cooked for Thanksgiving dinner...

My dad yells "ROLL CALL!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lododo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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First timer here. Dadjoked my mother.

I was helping my mother last night move things inside the garage for the storm.

Her: Can you bring the bag from the bed of my truck in? Me: There's just fishing poles back here, want those inside? Her: Just the reel part. Me: with a 2 second pause Well, these aren't fake fishing poles. Her: ehehstare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iSometimesPost
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
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Why do they call it a grandfather clock?

Cause it's an old timer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theflyestgrayson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
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I don't know if this belongs here but my dad...

... spent all weekend making this coffee table. I didn't think much of it until i saw him attaching some hoses, a water tank, a dirt tank, a fan, a propane tank and a timer. I asked him what the hell he was building and he said "Well twice a day it's going to shoot either fire, water, dirt or air." I sat there stunned and confused and just said "But....why?" He said "Why? Well that's because it's a periodic table of elements."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/melancholytron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My gramps left his brisket in the smoker too long

Old timer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PulkPush
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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You know what they say about grandfather clocks

They're old timers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolesawPolska
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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my step dad threw his watch at me

he then said, "time flies!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/physhes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook....

She just uses a smoke alarm as a timer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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My dad was reading yesterday's newspsper when he told me

These are actually oldspapers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ur--boi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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My mom was wondering aloud what to do for my dad's 60th birthday...

Her: Can you believe he's going to be 60? How did I marry such an old man?

Me: Well, I mean, aren't you gonna...

Her: What, are you going to say in 2 years I'll be 60 too?

Dad: Well no dear that's not right. In 2 years you'll be 60, in 4 years you'll be 62.

Everyone groans, I chuckle as I reach for my phone. So proud of the old-timer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/actorintheITworld
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2016
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My dad was making a bunch of Dad jokes, and I told him I’d laugh at one an hour

I had forgotten I told him this until an hour later when a timer goes off on his phone and he informs me his hour is up. That was his joke. I rolled my eyes so hard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r42xer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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When the finish line referee pulled out a second stopwatch, I left the race.

No way I trust that two timer.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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At dinner time, every time

The smoke alarm is not a timer hon.

Thanks dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/titang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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Got Dad joked after paying my car tax

So I just paid my car tax online, and my dad asked if there was a timer saying "Processing" after I had entered my details. I said, "No, but I used a new beta service that's probably different to the old one." He said, "Oh, is that...beta than the old one?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IntegralExtra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2014
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I went to an antique shop the other day...

I was just looking for an old timer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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A old fellow gets new glasses.

He tells his friend, I've gone sixty-seven years without glasses. Now they tell me I'll need them every day. His friend replies I've gone eighty-two years, and not needed glasses a day in my life. Oh yeah? Says the first old-timer. How's that? Because, says the second, I take my liqour from a bottle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotatoRacingTeam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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Dad got a new camera for Christmas

He was trying to figure out how to use the timer on it to take a selfie with us and my sister was covering her face. When asked why she said it's because she's ugly today.

My dad said "obviously, because it's breaking my camera!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_Berg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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My dad just pulled this one while I was making dinner

So I had dinner in the oven and was sitting in a chair across the room. I was using the microwaves timer to tell me how much longer before I had to take the chicken out. I have bad vision and wanted to know how much longer dinner would be so I asked "what does the microwave say?" and without missing a beat my dad replies "beep beep beep"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adischer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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Was making hot pretzels and went to talk to my dad...

Timer went off and I said I had to go knead my dough. Dad replies, "Your dough needs you."

Dammit, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kepotter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2014
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Dad joked my boss.

I work at a shoe store, often times when giving shoes to a customer we will sit down, especially the full-timers who are there a lot. My boss was sitting down talking to a customer about matching shoes with their outfits when it happened (he was sitting on tile):

"Yeah man, I always match my clothes... Hey, poortheologian, back me up and tell him that I do!"

"Okay." I then walked over, grabbed him and slid him about a foot back from where he was sitting.

He groaned, the groaned, I walked away.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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You know what they say about grandfather clocks…

They’re old timers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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