A list of puns related to "The Fits"
I laughed, "Babe, it's a scarf!"
Fission chips.
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
So 3 explorers were captured by the king of a pacific island. One explorer was from Paris, one was from London, and one was from New York. The island king told them that they were all going to be killed, and that their skins would be used to make canoes. The king gave them a choice as to how they would die.
The explorer from Paris chose to be killed by a guillotine, and they cut off his head.
The explorer from London chose to be killed by a gun, and they shot him in the head.
The explorer from New York chose to be killed by a fork. The island kind was confused. He didn't know what to do with the fork, so he gave it to the explorer from New York. The guy immediately starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. There is blood everywhere and it's a horrific scene. The dismayed island king asks the explorer from New York what the hell he's doing, and the New Yorker replies...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD-DAMN CANOE.
I said, "Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems from?"
No. I'd give it a wide birth..
I'll probably screw it up.
Because he always had more than 2 arms on him
It's a real shame, we had just gotten the swing of it.
He got them “off the wall”
We just don't share similar inch wrists.
I said "Diddly"
And how it's caused by a build up of lactic acid. But Arnold Schwarzenegger, not being a native English speaker, thought she said galactic acid, and that's how he became Mr. Universe.
It was no small feet.
So I had to pop the trunk
She was getting hy-stereo-cal about it.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡They really rustled my gym E's.
"How many is a Brazilian, and how did they all fit on the bus?!"
They don’t fit the re-choir-ments
We are perpetually on dark mode.
Chad
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
I knew right away she was hunk-ry.
It just didn't fit the mold.
I replied, now you know how I feel.
Because his hare was too big.
As Caesar's seizure ceased at sea, he said "I'm sleepy" and grabbed some zzz's.
My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;
What do ducks eat? Quackers
What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.
She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;
Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;
I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
Coz he was a baaaad boy.
Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.
True story: My wife came home from her job today (substitute teaching) and announced that she had brownies for everyone. In her arm she had a box of store bought brownies. When the kids got the box they opened it up to find several letter e’s cut out on brown construction paper.
Technically a mom joke, but I thought it fits.
I'll probably screw it up.
I’ve lost Ctrl.
I said, now that’s thinking outside of the box.
This too shall pass.
So he can fit on the space ship.
I asked her if it really fit around the house
The salesman said "I can fit 5 people with no problems"
I said, "I don't have any friends without problems!"
Therefore I've handed in my 'Too Weak Notice'
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