Didn't see that one coming
Thanks for cuming and cum again.
So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'
Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.
I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.
Image problems.
She was a small medium at large.
He was just doing asbestos he could!
I don’t want to go nuts right away.
We stand behind our product
...and asked if her husband was available.
Her: "Yes, he just walked in the door."
(from the back ground) "And it really hurt!"
Me: "Oh, do y'all have kids?"
It's a pretty Nietzsche audience.
So the can scandinavian
Can’t take credit for this one. A client of mine told me this.
I rubbed one of my clients up the wrong way.
The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."
The first one claims his client is trapped in a penny. Answering the second lawyer's confused look, he says, "My client is in a cent."
the second lawyer nods, then says, "Well. My client is a fish head steeped in hot water. You could say he's gill tea."
[Link] (https://www.google.com/search?q=image+of+the+word+gottem&oq=image+of+the+word+gottem&aqs=chrome..69i57j33l3.5289j0j9&client=ms-android-htc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8#imgrc=_qE-mtWpN0cj1M)
I was explaining something to a client and a real estate agent when I am interrupted by a Train whistle. I pause waiting for it to end.
I then continue my explanation. Only to get interrupted again for a good 15 seconds.
After it ends.
Me: Long pause.... I'm sorry I've lost my train of thought.
The agent chuckled. But I could hear everyone else rolling their eyes.
"Yes, Your Honor, my client ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. But as I recall, the second amendment states he has the right to bear arms."
There is this black guy who details cars in our parking lot for the surrounding businesses. My boss was coming back from lunch and noticed this gentleman needed help starting his client's car, so my boss got his cables out and gave the man a jump. When he told the office this I said "Thank you for putting an end to the stereotype that white men can't jump." Everyone gave a collective "ugh!"
I'm a massage therapist in a spa. While working with a client, she mentioned she plays violin, works out regularly, and runs a successful business. Then:
Client: "I also like to do a lot of gardening."
Me: "Seems like you've got your hands in quite a few pots!"
She agreed then continued about how she enjoyed gardening. She finished speaking, then after 5 minutes of silence she yells, "HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I just got your joke about the pots!"
Best response to a dadjoke I've ever gotten.
A man from Spain visiting the US walked into a clothes store. He said to the clerk, "Quiero comprar unos calcetines, por favor." Unfortunately, the clerk didn't speak Spanish, and the Spaniard didn't speak English. They searched all around the store, the clerk pointing to various items, hoping to find what the foreign customer wanted.
He pointed at jackets, but the foreigner shook his head and said "No quiero chaquetas." Then he pointed at shirts, but the client was not satisfied and said "No quiero ni camisas." The clerk pointed at sweaters, pants, shoes... but the Spaniard said he didn't want "ni sudaderas, ni pantalones, ni zapatos...".
They couldn't come across the item the shopper needed. Finally, the clerk points to a table of socks, and the man from Spain exclaimed with joy, "¡Eso sí que es!" The clerk exploded in anger, shouting "If you could spell it, why didn't you say it before?!"
Reviewing an insurance proposal with a client when we got to a storm provision...
Client: So BLToaster, does this other policy cover hail as well?
BLToaster: Absolutely.
Client: Hail yea!
Groans around the room while the client and myself cracked up.
My dad was talking about a client of his with the last name of Lyon. She is divorced and gets paid a lot monthly for child support. I replied "so she just gets paid for Lyon around?"
I've never heard him groan so loud.
So there I was working on a small project; I make signs and was working on something for a local election candidate. The client wanted small plastic fans with a pic of her on sticks for her upcoming rally. 300 of them. Our plotter wasn't able to trace them out so I'm hand cutting 300 plastic pieces. My boss walks in, and I say "Man this is gonna take all day." and he replies "Well, looks like you got your work cut out for you today." And walks off.
As protocol, we always recommend that the client turns off their laptop after a spill.
My boss walks by and says "You know, she's gonna have to put her laptop to sleep but now it won't be able to!"
I had just left a client's office that about 2 hours from my home. My wife calls me and asks about the driving conditions (it's snowing lightly here) and also tells me that she is headed back to her hair dresser. Apparently the hair dresser missed a section last week when my wife got her regular dye job and needs to be touched up.
The conversation ended this way:
Mrs BMQ: "Drive safe Honey"
Me: "Thank you Dear. Die safe"
Mrs BMQ: "huh? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!" thinking I had just told her to go kill herself ---- Safely ----
Me: "Dye Safe - don't get any in your eyes!"
Mrs BMQ: "oooohhhhh" groan
My sister works as a social worker dealing with adults with intellectual disabilities. This happened today.
The staff was talking to the clients about food and fast food chains.
Staff: Where is your favorite place to get your fried chicken from?
Client: From my plate.
BACKGROUND: Strokes can cause communication disorders, such as aphasia. This gem happened the other day.
Her (discussing beer with client): You like darker beers? I respect them but I prefer lighter ones like Spotted Cow.
Client 1: Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
Client 2: Literally
I'm an architect and visited a house with my boss and the client today which is nearly finished. We were talking about the marble counter he got for his bathroom and how nice it is.
My boss - "Yes, client, we really think you're doing a marvelous job with this so far..."
Me - "Maybe even a marbleous job"
silence
Would this be considered a dad joke or an 18/19th century dad joke? Either way, I just about walked out the building after reading this.
ME: Hi Tom,
Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today and if there is anything we can do in the future, please don't hesitate to ask.
I was hoping you would be able to leave a Yelp review for other potential clients to see. I know that we will not be working together anymore, but we would really appreciate the feedback.
Thomas Jefferson: Matt,
Happy to offer you an encomium, however, I know of no connection between hounds striking the line of scent on a fox and complimenting a business enterprise of the 21st century.
I work as a delivery driver for an industrial supply company, and today I was delivering some pylons to a client. I walked inside and found the nearest person to ask them for a verification signature for the delivery. I walked up to a man I recognized as the dad of one of my high school friends. He looked at me with a shit-eating grin and said "Where's the ice cream?" I looked at him, totally confused. "What?" I said. "Where's the ice cream?" he repeated. I stared at him with a blank look hoping he'd explain himself. Then he looked at the pylons I was delivering and said "Well, you brought the cones, so where's the ice cream?"
My boss gets a phone call letting him know a client is here.
Boss - "Oh, Joe Wright is here? Where is he?" (Talking to the receptionist downstairs)
So I turn to my boss and say "Oh, Joe Wright just left!"
Then turned back to my computer in silence with a bunch of shameful looks from my co-workers.
Boom.
My client was showing off her budding fringe tree and said "The blooms come out and then the tree leaves" I said "Where does it go?"
We were talking about generating invoices at work and someone suggested that it would be bad if they went out with too many noughts on them.
I asked if it would be bad when the client rang to complain that their invoice was a bit too naughty.
People actually left the room at that point.
He's a small medium at large
