Last night while watching TV, my wife asked me, βdid you just fart?β I asked her, βyou can smell that?β She said βyesβ.
I said, βCongratulations, you just passed your free COVID testβ.
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︎ Jan 08 2023
Did you ear that the shoe-eating monster suddenly passed out last night?
Apparently the shoes he ate were laced.
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︎ Feb 02 2023
Last night, I dreamt that I ate my pillow.
I woke up feeling a little down in the mouth.
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︎ Feb 03 2023
I had a lovely dream last night that I was swimming in an ocean of orange pop...
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︎ Jan 09 2023
Every night, I dream that Iβm filling up our house with unnecessary grocery items.
I must have stock home syndrome.
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︎ Nov 23 2022
I told my doctor I hurt the spot between my femur and acetabulum at the new night club that just opened up. He responded,...
"oh, that's a hip joint!"
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︎ Jan 21 2023
Last night I dreamt that I wrote Lord of the Rings
But apparently I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
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︎ Aug 20 2022
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs βWHATβS GOINβ ON?β
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
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︎ Mar 20 2022
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
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︎ Sep 16 2022
Every single night my wife spends hours watching that damned tik-tok instead of talking to me. So much so that Iβm worried she wants to leave me.
It feels like itβs only a matter of time and itβs driving me cuckoo!
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︎ Oct 08 2022
It was just confirmed that the man who fell off the 30th floor roof of a night club...
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︎ May 16 2022
Last night I had a horrible nightmare that I was drowning in a sea of orange soda.
Donβt worry, Iβm alright. It was just a Fanta sea.
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︎ Jul 21 2022
My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.
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︎ Sep 22 2022
Had a dream That I was a muffler last night
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︎ Aug 10 2022
From my daughter: What do you call a zebra that dances and sings all night long?
A zebra. Just because he likes to dance and sing doesnβt mean he has a different name.
This was in response to me sharing the dandylion joke with her. My wife was dying laughing at both of them!
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︎ Sep 18 2022
Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.
Then I snapped out of it.
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︎ Aug 30 2022
Is there anyone else that still wets the bed at night and wants to talk about it?
I'm looking to start a pee-er support group
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︎ Aug 15 2022
Did you guys hear about that Peanut who walked through central park late at night?
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︎ Aug 13 2022
a joke from my 7 year old: what do you call a late night show that can't keep it's balance?
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︎ Aug 17 2022
You can have your Pinot noirs, Pinot Grigios and Blancos. At my age I prefer a wine made from an anti-diuretic grape that reduces the number of trips I have to make to the can at nightβ¦
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︎ Sep 08 2022
One time I sat outside all night wondering what the reason was that it's always dark all night and light all day.
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︎ Sep 14 2022
I had a dream last night that I was eating a giant marshmallow.
When I woke up this morning my pillow was gone.
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︎ Sep 01 2022
My wife said that last night I was shouting 'Gollum', 'Gandalf' and 'Bilbo Baggins'...
I must've been Tolkien in my sleep
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︎ Sep 16 2021
I walked home from the bar last night. A policeman stopped and said, βSir, do know that you are staggering?β
I said, βWell, youβre pretty handsome yourself!β
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︎ Jun 18 2022
Did anyone hear bout the city in northern England that disappeared over night
The police are desperately looking for Leeds
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︎ Jun 11 2022
Had Chinese food last night and my wife was disappointed when she opened her fortune cookie and found that is was empty...
I just looked at her and said, "Well, that's unfortunate."
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︎ Jun 08 2022
Someone once said to me. βHow do you sleep at night knowing that people donβt like youβ To which I replied
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︎ May 31 2022
I had a really scary dream last night that I died and was reincarnated as a car muffler
I woke up completely exhausted
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︎ May 20 2022
There was a parrot that swallowed a clock on the news last night
It was their Polly-Ticks section.
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︎ Jul 28 2022
Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains
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︎ Apr 27 2022
I had a crazy dream last night that I was being chased around the house by a group of mufflers!
.... I woke up exhausted.
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︎ May 20 2022
What do you call a late night talk show host that lost his balance?
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︎ Mar 24 2022
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
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︎ Apr 14 2022
I told my husband that I slept like a baby last night.
He said, βDid you cry and poop in your pants?β
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︎ Mar 20 2022
A California vintner in the Napa Valley area that produces Pinot blanc and Pinot Grigio wines has developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic and promises to reduce the number of trips and older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.
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︎ May 22 2022
A man walks into a bar and orders 10 times more then anyone else had that night
the bartender says "wow, thats an order of magnitude"
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︎ Feb 28 2022
what do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
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︎ Jan 31 2022
Last night, I dreamt that I had eaten my pillow.
I woke up feeling a little down in the mouth.
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︎ Nov 17 2022
I dreamed that I was a muffler last night.
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︎ Aug 08 2022
I had a dream last night that I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.
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︎ May 17 2022
Police have confirmed today that the man who fell from a night club roof.
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︎ Mar 04 2022
I had a dream last night that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Then I woke up and realized it was just a Fanta sea.
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︎ Feb 24 2022
I had a dream last night that I was a muffler
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︎ Mar 16 2022
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
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︎ Apr 23 2022
I had a weird dream the other night that I was on a raft in an ocean of orange soda...
Turns out it was just a weird Fanta sea.
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︎ Feb 20 2022
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