I told her I was just completely sunburnt
...that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
... I had no idea he was such a big fan of that organ solo..!
But Dawn is tough on Grease
They have a high thread count
Took me to the park and ran 100m in 6.5 seconds!
"And don't call me Buttdaddy! It's disrespectful!" I reply.
Came out of the store and my daughter pointed out the moon. She's learning about moon phases and such in school.
Wife: "Is that a new moon?"
Me: "No... I think we've had that one for awhile."
Taking a piss in the bathroom, random guy 1 pissing next to me. Random guy 2 enters
Random Guy 1: oh shit what's up RG2 happy birthday dude Random Guy 2: Thanks man it's actually my birthday for once Me: I'm pretty sure you've had more than one birthday
Many groans were expressed
My GF and I were driving to a restaurant and I needed to get gas. There was a gas station on the way but my GF couldnt think of the name.
GF: I think its called race-something.
Me: Hopefully its not ism
GF: Huh?
Me: Ism, hopefully its not racism
She laughed. She was thinking it would be a Racetrack but it ended up being a Sunoco.
I love dad jokes
My girlfriend asked if we had any salad. My mom pulls out some kind of asian salad and some snowpeas. My girlfriend says "oh, I love snowpeas." Then my dad says "I like writing my name in the snow."
I was watching TV with my dad and told him I wasn't feeling too well and might throw up. Sure enough I end up going to the bathroom and throw up in the toilet. My dad had poked his head around the corner and says, "Well no wonder you threw up, you had puke in your stomach!"
We are in the process of remodeling the store I work at. Co-worker: The walls need another coat of paint... Manager: I don't think they do, maybe just a jacket. The rest of us: Groans
This joke really works best spoken out loud, but we were on our way home, she's driving...
Me: get over a lane Gf: but we never even dated
So a group of guys come into the shop, in various costumes. One of them is wearing a dressing gown and holding a fork and disconnected plug socket thingy.
I asked him what he was, and he said he was a child that stuck a fork in an electrical socket. He was annoyed that nobody could guess it, so I replied:
"I know, it must've been pretty shocking for you."
My colleague sent me to stock out after that.
I was on the phone with my dad last night when he told me he was fired from his second job. I hadn't heard of this second job, so I asked him what it was.
"I got fired from the orange juice factory," he said. "I couldn't concentrate."
My back has been hurting lately, an last night when my girlfriend came by, she did me the favor of rubbing my back. As she got lower, I told her about a smallish fatty lump on my lower right side. She asked if it hurt to rub or touch, and I said calmly without thinking, "nah, it hasn't hurt anyone, doesn't ever do anything but cyst there."
We sat in silence for a few seconds as we realized what just happened. I couldn't stop smiling, but the house groaned.
Before leaving the house I said to my Dad, "I'm going to throw on a different shirt"
Dad says, "Won't you be hot wearing two shirts?"
my girlfriend and her coworker were discussing the differences between the night shift and day shift.
me: Would you say the difference is night and day?
them: (Audible groans)
Visiting her parents cottage where her dad has a large collection of antique cans, she pointed out a shelf with some antique cans I hadn't seen before.
Me: "Oh, are those new cans?"
Gf: "no, they're old cans!"
She's ready to be a dad.
Last night me and my brother went out with our dad and got a bite to eat. As my dad started to pay me and my brother said "thanks dad," simultaneously and my dad replies "don't thank me yet these guys have a lot of dishes for you guys to do."
The the kitchen I work in, two of the cooks normally have the local Latino top 40 station on the radio. Last night, a bachata song was playing on the radio, when one of my coworkers asked one of the cooks, Omar, about it. I noticed he had a huge grin on his face. I knew something was up.
Coworker: "Hey Omar, what is this stuff on the radio?"
Omar: "It's bachata, te gustas? [do you like it?]"
Coworker: "Oh yeah guey, I love horchata."
Omar then gives my coworker the much needed groan, while I laugh my ass off.
My parents were coming over for dinner, and about thirty beforehand I realize I am out of toilet paper.
So I texted my dad...
ME: Hey pops, can I borrow a roll of toilet paper? I forgot to grab some after work yesterday.
DAD: You can have have a roll. I don't really want it back.
I don't know how he does it.
