My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with supermarkets.

"Do you want any help with your packing?" I said.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 15 2021
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I got a load of stuff from the supermarket today,

The cashier asked if I wanna box for it. I had to tell him wrestling was more my sport.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 07 2021
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I went to a supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, but all the shelves were empty.

There was literally nothing Dubai.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 60
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 14 2021
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Thought I just saw Shaggy in the supermarket...

It wasn’t him

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The_fury_2000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 19 2020
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This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...

....and then put it back on the shelf.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 04 2021
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They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..

They lied, everyone else had their clothes on

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Reg182
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 23 2020
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I saw a man at the supermarket today, throw all the milk, butter, cream and yoghurt off the shelves, in a rage.

I thought "How dairy!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/B-man44
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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The worst part of spanking a disobedient child at a supermarket is....

......having absolutely no idea whose child it is.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 67
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 12 2020
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I walked into a supermarket and saw 1/2 watermelon.....

Why is it i shop at Wholefoods and see this?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SIIa109
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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This is a DAIRY problem for supermarkets all around the world
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lloo69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2020
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Actual dad joke I heard in the supermarket

A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 43
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 17 2020
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A man was caught stealing at a supermarket today while standing on the shoulders of a couple of vampires

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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Someone in a supermarket is eager to join the pun-community
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/llondru-es
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 12 2019
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A local supermarket was giving away 100% free face masks

But there were no strings attached.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlwaysInconsistant
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2020
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Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket

To come clean

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 06 2020
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A guy threw a block of cheese at me in the supermarket

I said to him β€œnow that’s no very mature now is it?”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Moistwee
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 08 2020
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Where do you find eggs in a supermarket?

In exile

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/afieif
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 16 2020
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I really want to buy one those supermarket checkout dividers.

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 03 2020
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How often does the Japanese supermarket restock their milk supply?

Dairy

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/McSteer
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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Just got back from the supermarket - there was a guy rushing round the shop who had brought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piΓ±atas.

I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 56
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/heilhanson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 04 2020
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What are supermarkets in the afterlife called?

Heaven eleven

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MCMB360
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2020
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I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."

"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 28 2020
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A thief has stolen all the hand sanitizer from the supermarket

he seems to have made a clean getaway

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/td941
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 21 2020
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So I’m rolling through the supermarket and I see these Bare Skin condoms...

And all I can think is, β€œGod please let it be panda”.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/brannono
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 26 2020
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I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...

...don't use shallot."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/__itsyaboi__
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 08 2020
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I was recently promoted on the supermarket security team to look out for people taking 11 items through the "10 items or less" checkout...

I am now a counter-terrorism officer.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/E420CDI
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 04 2020
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I was in the supermarket the other day when this guy threw a block of cheddar at me.

Outraged, I shouted : "Well that's not very mature is it ?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 18 2020
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The guy in front of me in the supermarket was just told they were out of breathmints. He did not like that.

He went menthol!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 07 2020
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A Scottish Dad joke. How long do you think you’ll be at the Supermarket?

Aldi.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2020
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What did the composer take to the supermarket?

A Chopin Liszt

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/WolfLoverBlack
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 20 2020
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Sign at the entrance to the car park of our local Lidl (discount supermarket)
πŸ‘οΈŽ 57
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/euanwmcgill
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 23 2019
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I was queuing up to get into the supermarket yesterday. Dwayne Johnson was in front of me. Behind me was a fish holding the trolley above his head!

I was between The Rock and a hard Plaice

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2020
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Me and some other guys like to get together at the local supermarket to show off our rare breed black-feathered chickens. New guy today mustn't have understood because...

There was an unexpected white hen in the bragging area

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mittenshape
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 11 2020
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I saw a guy wearing a sombrero buying paella at the supermarket.

I thought oh my god Hispanic buying

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Yakushi0
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 01 2020
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King Louie once went to a supermarket.

Helper: Excuse me sir, can I help you with something?

Louie: No, I'm just Louie King.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2020
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A man lost his keys in the supermarket, so when he returned to his car, he just rubbed his ass against it

He was wearing khaki trousers

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anassis
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 19 2019
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The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.

Unexpected item in the Baggins area.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 131
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 17 2019
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Apparently if you buy cabbage from coles supermarkets you are legally obligated to buy carrots and mayonnaise

They call it, Coles law

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StarvedAsian
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 14 2020
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You should know you can help to recycle dead batteries and return them in most supermarkets

It's free of charge

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BenderDeLorean
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 06 2020
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What do you call a dwarf in a supermarket?

Lidl

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/p_9213
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2019
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Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?

They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AdamHR
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 29 2019
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Can you believe Trump wants to ban shakers of parmesan from supermarket shelves, only allowing it to be sold in wedge form?

He says he wants to make America grate again.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PopsicleMud
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2016
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A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket ...

they lied, everybody else had their clothes on.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 153
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Luc1113
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 20 2020
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They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket

They lied, everyone else has clothes on

πŸ‘οΈŽ 88
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 08 2020
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They said a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket ...

they lied, everyone else had their clothes on.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/growupyall
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of cheese at me.

I looked over at him and shouted, β€œWell that’s not very mature is it??”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PringyUK
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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