My wife ordered a stool form an online retailer

Wife: "It is arriving tomorrow."

Me: "If you do not like it, can we return it within 30 days?"

Wife: "Yes, why do you ask?"

Me: "Does that make it a stool sample then?"

Wife: "..."

True story, including her lack of enthusiasm for my obviously excellent sense of humor.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbrown705
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I work in the appliance department at a large retailer and we were working on a truck delivery.

On one of our pallettes was a 12" sub that was meant for the car electronics department.

I look to my co-workers and say "Maybe we should refrigerate it.".

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that the largest online retailer started selling steaks?

Amazon Prime Rib.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_drumstic_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the bacteria lose its job in retail?

Because it only had one cell

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't you want to be sad at a retail store?

You'd be at the lowest of Lowe's

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresendo77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a open home and the retail salesman showed me around.

I asked the retail salesman "what's up stairs?"

He replied "no, the stairs dont talk"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C9SF-Dr0p
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 451
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, if you have seen one collection of retail outlets under one roof, you have seen a mall.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heavyduty1930
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
ReTAIL therapy for the K9's!
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tacomaster9000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I work in retail and today a mom asked about β€œMy Hero Macadamia”

It was nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Philonic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm apparently really attractive to retail workers.

The cashiers check me out every time I go shopping!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_otterinabox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do lizards go when their tails come off?

The retail store

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twunts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?

The retail shop

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxtailavenger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Nothing says "Christmas" like cheesy puns. (Sorry for triggering the PTSD of any retail workers)
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I work at a retail store and two guys stole a calender

They both got 6 months

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I go into a retail store, I always want to buy an item separator.

But the cashier keeps putting them back.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mewtwo_Nex
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does Eeyore work?

In retail

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/0reopanda_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
All this time The Terminator was just have PTSD episodes from working retail
πŸ‘︎ 252
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aznednacni
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
🚨︎ report
A man wanted to buy a good insecticide

"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.

"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad joke upon checkout in retail

Store clerk: Can I get an email address?

Me: Sure! Go to gmail.com and click β€œregister.” You can make up pretty much anything you want.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KennethPowersIII
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
🚨︎ report
If I was the owner of a retail store...

I'd put the torches in the darkest part of the shop.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
It's like I've always said, if you've seen one collection of retail outlets under one roof...

...you've seen a mall.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Discount_Dracula
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dam_b_ver
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Is Google Assistant a dad?

http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GiveMeBackMySon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

The Retail store

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HANZ06
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way.

A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:

> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?

> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.

> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?

> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!

> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!

> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NinaBisk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Got a job selling new tails to animals that lose them.

I work in retail sales... 🀨

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend who works in retail overheard a dad joking his daughter

A man is paying for his daughter's clothes in the store my girlfriend works at.

Girlfriend: Credit or debit?

Dad: C.O.D.

Girlfriend: ?

Dad: Cash on Daddy! (turns to his daughter and starts chuckling out loud)

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyphur
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2015
🚨︎ report
Got a co-worker today, I work in a food department in retail.

"Hey can I borrow your date gun?"

"Why? Are you feeling lonely?"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aquafier
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Where do animals go when they lose their tail?

They go to the retail store.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BladeSides
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
While working retail during a sale this weekend

Me: Hi Sir! Just to let you know, the entire store is at least half off today!

Him: he looks around for a second Really? Because it seems like it's all here to me!

Caught me wayyy off guard, but definitely made my shitty day better!

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rev1212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Where should a monkey go when it loses it's tail?

A retailer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCG_UNITED
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy's dad pulled this one at some retail store the other day

The cashier asked him if he wanted to be a member there and he said Yes so the cashier proceeded to ask "okay what's your street name?" He relied "tall white boy from the hood"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Qazdthm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
🚨︎ report
The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Walked into a retail store, associate asks "do you need a hand?"

"No thanks, I've got two."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MystikIncarnate
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a coworker at a retail store.

This one doesn't work as well typed out, but it's still pretty good. A co-worker was putting up a basket of returns, and he stopped by to ask me where the Efferdent goes. I said "I don't know, maybe you should put some more effort into it."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a customer last week [Retail]

So I work at a hardware store/fish & tackle shop on a fairly affluent barrier island in Florida...tons of rich old WASPs (we're talking DuPont heir money here).

Anyways, a regular comes up to the front register with a saw and some saw blades. I took note of his purchases and said to the guy "How do these work? Some sort of coping mechanism?"

He looked down for a second, began to explain (in a somewhat demeaning tone) how a coping saw works, looked up and saw my shit eating grin.

grooaaannnn "Oh you ass, that was witty. You got me though!"

I later learned that day that his wife had died three months earlier...whoops.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Cameraman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
🚨︎ report
A brunette asked her blonde friend why she seemed so sad, she said I'm really upset because my cat lost his tail.

The brunette said, well why dont you take it to Walmart, it's the largest retailer in the world.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klmkab04
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Worked retail on black friday and a dad came in.

Employee: "The whole store is 30% off."

Dad: "Oh jeez, I don't think I can afford that much"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talking_Monkey93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
🚨︎ report
While working retail tonight, I was wearing a bag we sell like a hat as I was walking around and shelving items...

Manager says "Take that off, you're going to rip it."

I respond: "Well if I do it will be on my head."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/footstepsfading
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Where do you take a dog when it’s tail falls off?

The retail store

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoKroger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is Christmas shopping a sin?

Because the devil is in the retails.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tachankas_chanka
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m making a name for myself at work...

So there we were, in the break room of a retail establishment.

A coworker was trying to toss her salad and one of my friends looks at me and says, β€œgo ahead, do it!”

And I’m trying not to laugh, β€œdo what?”

And he says, β€œmake a joke! You want to, I can see it on your face!”

β€œI can’t, it’s not—” I don’t get to finish my sentence.

β€œWhy not!?” He asks, as if he’s disappointed.

β€œBecause…” ( β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

β€œβ€¦I’m turning over a new leaf.” (βŒβ– _β– )

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a toy that doesn't come with batteries?

Free of charge

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Buddy Doesn't Know How to Park

So this is a true story.

I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.

Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.

Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"

I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allnerdsbewareme
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail?

A retail store

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wasabimohmayahai
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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