Wife: "It is arriving tomorrow."
Me: "If you do not like it, can we return it within 30 days?"
Wife: "Yes, why do you ask?"
Me: "Does that make it a stool sample then?"
True story, including her lack of enthusiasm for my obviously excellent sense of humor.
On one of our pallettes was a 12" sub that was meant for the car electronics department.
I look to my co-workers and say "Maybe we should refrigerate it.".
Amazon Prime Rib.
I asked the retail salesman "what's up stairs?"
He replied "no, the stairs dont talk"
You'd be at the lowest of Lowe's
It was nuts!
The cashiers check me out every time I go shopping!
"Is this good for wasps ?" a man asked the retailer.
"No, it kills them" the retailer replayed.
The retail shop
They both got 6 months
The Retail store
But the cashier keeps putting them back.
I work in retail sales... 🤨
Store clerk: Can I get an email address?
Me: Sure! Go to gmail.com and click “register.” You can make up pretty much anything you want.
They go to the retail store.
I'd put the torches in the darkest part of the shop.
...you've seen a mall.
A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:
> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?
> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.
> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?
> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!
> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!
> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.
to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.
The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.
Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down... keep reading on reddit ➡
The brunette said, well why dont you take it to Walmart, it's the largest retailer in the world.
Because the devil is in the retails.
A man is paying for his daughter's clothes in the store my girlfriend works at.
Girlfriend: Credit or debit?
Dad: Cash on Daddy! (turns to his daughter and starts chuckling out loud)
The retail store
"Hey can I borrow your date gun?"
"Why? Are you feeling lonely?"
Me: Hi Sir! Just to let you know, the entire store is at least half off today!
Him: he looks around for a second Really? Because it seems like it's all here to me!
Caught me wayyy off guard, but definitely made my shitty day better!
So there we were, in the break room of a retail establishment.
A coworker was trying to toss her salad and one of my friends looks at me and says, “go ahead, do it!”
And I’m trying not to laugh, “do what?”
And he says, “make a joke! You want to, I can see it on your face!”
“I can’t, it’s not—” I don’t get to finish my sentence.
“Why not!?” He asks, as if he’s disappointed.
“Because…” ( •_•)>⌐■-■
“…I’m turning over a new leaf.” (⌐■_■)
The cashier asked him if he wanted to be a member there and he said Yes so the cashier proceeded to ask "okay what's your street name?" He relied "tall white boy from the hood"
This one doesn't work as well typed out, but it's still pretty good. A co-worker was putting up a basket of returns, and he stopped by to ask me where the Efferdent goes. I said "I don't know, maybe you should put some more effort into it."
"No thanks, I've got two."
So I work at a hardware store/fish & tackle shop on a fairly affluent barrier island in Florida...tons of rich old WASPs (we're talking DuPont heir money here).
Anyways, a regular comes up to the front register with a saw and some saw blades. I took note of his purchases and said to the guy "How do these work? Some sort of coping mechanism?"
He looked down for a second, began to explain (in a somewhat demeaning tone) how a coping saw works, looked up and saw my shit eating grin.
grooaaannnn "Oh you ass, that was witty. You got me though!"
I later learned that day that his wife had died three months earlier...whoops.
Employee: "The whole store is 30% off."
Dad: "Oh jeez, I don't think I can afford that much"
Manager says "Take that off, you're going to rip it."
I respond: "Well if I do it will be on my head."
So this is a true story.
I work a retail job. My friend neglected to properly put his Mustang in park in his space. It moved backwards across the lot and in to a customer's Jeep Grand Cherokee. Luckily for him, the damage was not serious.
Unlucky for him, all of my coworkers (and a few customers) proceeded to mercilessly roast him on the showroom floor.
Looking to me to defend him, he asked, "why don't you back me up?"
I said: "Back up seems to be the last thing you need, I'd just learn to roll with it, you might say I'm pretty neutral..."
The retail store
Since they are such a good retailer
Free of charge
The retail store
He went to the retail store
The retail store.
(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]
This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.
My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.
Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"
Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.
After a few... keep reading on reddit ➡
I was just assigned an architecture project to design a retail building of some sort. The products, name and theme are all free for me to choose, so I want to make it a killer pun.
What's a punny store name/product combo I can use?
I work in a medical lab. I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”
To the retail store!
I was working the closing shift at a retail store where every associate carries a walkie. Before closing time, a manager will generally ask which departments need help zoning (cleaning, facing merchandise, etc) and the associates will help the other departments. The other night:
Manager: -kssht- How are we on the floor?
Me:- kssht- Gravity.
To a retail store.
So i took him to the retail store for a new one.
I work in a retail store with credit card financing signs all over the place. It was slow and boring, so I fixated on said word.
The boy is worried, thinking the mouses life is ruined since it no longer has its tail. The father says "Don't worry son, it can always go to the retail store"
I work in a retail bank and a customer walked into the office and said: Teller asks customer if he'd like her to check his balance. He says yes. So she pushes him over.
ba dum chiss
This is a real deal "joke" from my dad today. The first retail mj store just opened in his town. He's 60.
I guess you call a fair retail
I work at a supplement retail store and usually greet people with "Hey! How are you today? What brings you in today?" and usually people will just tell me what they are looking for. So, I did the same thing to a man ~50 years old today, but instead of the usual response I get, he just responded with "My feet."
10/10. Would be dad-joked again.
My Dad told me his neighbor was weed whacking and ended up snipping off a quarter of his cats tail by mistake. He ended up bringing the cat to Walmart because they are the worlds biggest retailer.
The retail store.
The RETAIL store!
my 4 year old slapped me for saying this. haha
Match.com is in the retail business. If you don't like the tail your with, they will help you re-tail
Any retail/coffee clerk: how are you today sir?
Dad: Like a fart in a space suit, Like a fire hydrant at a dog parade, Can I get back to you on that?, Like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
There is more I just can't remember them all. So embarrassing.
and my dad looked at me and goes "I didn't realize we were in an online retailer!!!"
So I work retail and I was restocking shelves on a hardware isle with tools, doohickeys, and thingies. He was walking and talking with a new boss (training him and such) when they stopped at my isle. They didn't really notice me so it was perfect.
I picked up a stud finder and hit 'em with a classic!
"Hey guys check it out! It's a stud finder" Runs it over chest "Beep beep beep. Oh hey it's working!"
My boss had a few chuckles and the other guy said something about it being stupid but smiled anyways. Me? I was laughing my ass off.
I work at a large retail bookstore, and my job is basically just to wander around and help people find what they're looking for. Yesterday I spotted an older gentleman looking lost, so I asked him if he needed help finding anything.
"Yeah, the new Dr. Seuss one, whatever it is."
So I led him to the kid's section where we have a whole display for What Pet Should I Get.
"This one's been really popular, as you can guess," I said as I grabbed one off the display for him. As I did so, a few of the books behind it toppled off the display and onto the ground.
"Yeah," he said, "I can see they're just flying off the shelves."
I laughed for a few minutes and he left with his book and the look of satisfaction that only comes from a top-tier dad joke.
Edit: Oops. Put 'today' in the title but it rly happened yesterday. Sorry! :x
A customer at the major retail corporation I work at picked up our ad while I was cashing him out. Tried to pull one on me...
"they call it a doorbuster sale and there's not a single door in this ad! "
"That's because we busted them all, sir"
Completely straight faced. He walked away laughing his ass off. On an unrelated note I think my girlfriend may be pregnant.
My 9yo saw my wife's shopping bag she brought home from the "TYPO" gift store and declared, "Hey, they spelt it wrong."
I said, "Maybe it was just a 'typo'..."
(Photo of TYPO Store) http://www.canelandcentral.com.au/~/media/retail/au/caneland-central/stores/typo8905.ashx?as=0&mh=1130
There was this lady cutting vegetables with her brand new knife. The knife slipped from her hand hitting her cat in the ass cutting its tail off. She quickly wrapped the cat in a towel and headed for the door. Her husband asked "where are you going to take it". She replied " I'm taking him to walmart they're the worlds largest retailer."
I work retail and we have a loyalty program that requires an email address.
Every time someone gives me an email with a number at the end (ex: [email protected]) I ask if the first 90 were already taken.
I'm the only one who laughs.
My sister works at a major retailer, so of course the last few days have been pretty crazy for her.
She bemoaned to me:
>People keep coming in the new iPad, which we don't have! And I can't like, take a minute to myself because of that.
>How am I supposed to breathe without any Airs?!
I currently live and study in the Philippines
One Philippine Peso (₱) is approximately 1/40 a dollar. Go check the conversion ratio if you doubt.
A single stick of this choco wafer stick right here (called Stick-O) usually costs at about ₱1
I study in a college where student organizations are prevalent and their means of collecting funds is by Fund Raising Activity, i.e., selling consumables to students (usually food at exorbitant retail prices)
Every single time when I see an organization member doing his/her FRA selling Stick-O's, I ask...
Me: How much is that?
FRA: Three for five.
Me: ₱3 for 5 pieces?
They chuckle in shame. They then correct me:
FRA: No, 3 pieces for ₱5 pesos
Because he'd heard that's where they retail spirits.
My dad walked in and my dog was so excited and his tail was wagging so fast.
Me (to my dog) - If your tail wags any fast it's going to fall off
Dad (to my dog) - Then we'll have to take you to the retail store.
"No, I'm a freight-not"
For those who don't know, in retail and similar stores, when a truck comes in delivering merchandise, it's the freight truck.
The lady, son, and I were in a retail store the other day when an annoucement was made over the PA system.
"Customer needs assistance in the vacuum cleaners"
I lean towards the wife and say, "Well this Hoover sucks. Oh, the Dyson it also sucks. To be honest, they all suck."
I work at a retail grocery store in the deli. I am also 6'7". I was tasked with detailing our warmer and I was working on the bottom part. Getting down is my natural enemy so I was sitting on a milk crate. Coworker from meat department comes over and asks if we had his squeegee. We did so I told him. He said, "For shame, you should feel bad." I then told him, "You're going to judge me while I'm at my lowest?"
A retail store
A retail store.
To a RETAIL store
the retail store
To the retail store
To a retail store!
The retail store
The retail store
The retail store