Old shopping malls never die…

They just get de-mall-ished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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I tried to quell a disagreement between me and my girlfriend in the shopping mall. But by the time we got to the second level we were shouting at each other.

In retrospect we shouldn’t have been on that escalator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sellwinerugs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Why did the city support the music hall being repurposed as a shopping mall?

Harmonic Re-zone-ance

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Well I was doing speedy shopping, until I stopped and had hat to break to see this. Quality puns at the mall.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/satire_scull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.

She’s an Opthemallogist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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If they were to create a shopping plaza for bees, it would be a bzz mall.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fortifier22
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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A man approaches a beautiful woman in a Shopping Mall..

"Miss, please, I lost my wife in the store. Would you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?" "Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears from somewhere!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifeis_amystery
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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Shopping malls are essentially all alike ...

  ... "When you've seen one, you've seen a mall."

        ^((Source: Kiplinger Magazine, 1974)^)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tqgibtngo
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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When Qui-Gon-Jin went shopping at Darth mall guess what he got?

Half Off!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_arceus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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While shoe shopping at the mall.

Me: Why can't I ever find my size?! Are my feet just freakishly huge?

Dad: (smiling) well you know what they say about guys with big feet right?

Me: (smirking) what?

Dad: (with a straight face) big socks....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWierdSide
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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Overheard while having lunch in a shopping mall...

Dad to his son: "Did you see that really expensive football? (soccer) Son to Dad "Yeah! It's the world cup ball!" Dad to Son "Well what are they going to play with at the world cup then?!"

He laughed for a long time. So did I.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprucay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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I just had a text conversation with my daughter...

She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.

Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.

Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.

Daughter: You're an idiot.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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These puns are tearable
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oj2004
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2017
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A PokΓ©mon trainer was running late...

It was 9:50 PM and the giant shopping center near the PokΓ©mon trainer’s home closed at 10 PM. He was driving very fast to try and make it. Of course, he got pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, β€œWhy were you going so fast, sir?”

His reply, β€œWell officer, I gotta catch a mall.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pastorjeff2000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fluffigt
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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My friend owns a mall (long)

I'm here today to tell you all a horrible story, so that none of you have to go through the same experience as my friend.

My friend, Hugh, is a very religious man, who is also involved in our community. 2 weeks ago, our local church burned down and Hugh believed it was his Christian duty to help them get back on their feet. Hugh allowed the friars of the church to set up a cart in his mall to sell their flowers. Every day, the friars came in at 7:00 in the morning with a bushel of beautiful flowers and began to work diligently to arrange them into bouquets. All was going well, the mall was generating more revenue and the church was making more money than they were by selling the flowers in front of the church on Sunday. Everyone was happy; until that first weekend.

Our town is kinda tourist-y, so we get some out-of-towners on the weekends. A gay couple came to the mall the first weekend that the friars had taken up shop (Typically, our town is pretty progressive, but the friars tended to be uber-conservative). The couple came over to the cart and admired the flowers; they tried to purchase a bouquet, but the friars refused to sell to them. The couple was outraged and went to see Hugh directly. They complained to him that the friars were being discriminatory, so Hugh promised to have a talk with the friars. When Hugh confronted the friars, they refused to sell to the couple on the grounds that β€œthey were committing an atrocity in the eyes of the lord.” The couple stormed off and promised to boycott the cart.

This past weekend, the couple came back with a large group and a letter from the mayor, saying that the friars had to sell to them, regardless of sexual preference. The friars stood firm and refused to sell to them, so the group started a protest. They brought in signs and started chanting around the cart. The friars continued to sell their flowers and Hugh allowed them to remain, so eventually the protest began to boycott the mall, rather than just the cart.

By today, the mall had lost 50% of its normal weekend revenue. The group sent a letter to Hugh saying that they could forgive him if he shut down the flower cart within the week. Hugh was pretty broken up, but he had no choice. To maintain his livelihood, he would have to kick the friars out of his store. He talked with the friars this morning and revoked their previous agreement. The friars had their cart packed and left by 7:30, to huge cheers from the community. The mall has been pretty norm

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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5 year old daughter Dad joked Dad.

My daughter and I were walking through the mall yesterday and asked if we could buy one of those Frozen decorative finger nail sets.

I told her, "No, we are only window shopping today." She with the most smug look I have ever seen replies back with "We don't need a new window."

She got that nail kit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/archer66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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How I got kicked out of Hot Topic.

At the mall shopping for a new back pack for my daughter to use at school when we a saw Doctor Who themed one. My wife questioned if it would be big enough to hold all of our daughter's books...

"Don't worry," I said. "It's bigger in the inside." Then I started laughing like a mad man.

And that is the story of how I got kicked out of Hot Topic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nategifford
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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Dropped this one on my girlfriend today.

(while christmas shopping at the mall)

Me: "Did you hear the military is developing a new rocket launcher that mounts on soldier's feet?"

Her: "No. Really?"

Me: "Yep, they're calling it the missile toe."

Her: "I hate you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agnostalypse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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I was shopping for a friend's birthday gift. I looked in Sears, JCPenney, BestBuy and then I realized...

If you seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2014
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My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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