I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I actually said this. I dropped a pack of steaks on the floor at the grocery store
I looked down and said "i guess thats how they make ground beef" another customer got a kick out of it.
A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store
The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"
What does my son call the grocery store?
The “No” factory! (legit)
Heard y’all like puns (flies were found dead, butter was found at the grocery store in the dairy isle)
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
My favorite grocery store cashier suddenly disappeared. When I asked what happened, they said-
The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, “It’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.
In truth, it was just rad-ish.
Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.
“You cantaloupe! Your too young”
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
A magician was walking down the street, and then he turned into a grocery store.
It was quite the amazing trick.
I was walking into the grocery store today and this guy asked if I wanted a pamphlet on saving the planet
Grocery stores are now carrying gluten-free beef.
It's made from cattle that have Silly Yaks' disease.
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Went to the grocery store and asked for 3 pounds of potatoes. "We don't have pounds", the grocer stated, "only kilos".
Annoyed, I went, "fine. I'll take 3 pounds of kilos then".
Why dont grocery stores sell clothing?
Because they don't know what the woolworths.
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. “Kobe!” I shout. “No.” He says in a disappointed tone...
Police were called to the local grocery store today
A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.
I saw a lobster escape a grocery store tank
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
I asked my daughter if we needed anything at the grocery store. She said "Soy Sauce."
I replied: "Ola Sauce, Soy Dad."
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
I was at the grocery store the other day getting flour
When a guy walks up next to me and grabs some yeast.
So I said, "A man of culture, I see!"
I told my friend a secret about the grocery store.
There was a sale on citrus fruit at the grocery store...
It's for a lime-eted time only!
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of sprite from the grocery store.
I realised when I got home I picked 7up.
Found at the grocery store
Recent Trip to the Grocery Store
I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied “It’s the Times, New Roman.”
[Grocery Store] “Ok. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”
Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
My wife: I gotta run to the grocery store after work
Me: wouldn’t it be easier to drive?
My wife: ....it was funny the first 100 times.
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
What do you get when you combine a grocery store and a clothing store?
Did you hear about the bread shortage at the Indian grocery store?
When I went there, they had naan left.
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today
It’s really been a great cake day
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. “Why’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
Saw this at the grocery store earlier today
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine
A man goes to the grocery store...
A man goes to the grocery store and buys 2 apples, a banana and an onion.
The lady at the checkout counter says, "You must be single".
The man says, "Wow, how did you know?"
The lady says, "Because you're ugly."
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough...
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Recent Trip to the Grocery Store
I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied “It’s the Times, New Roman.”
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
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