I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

πŸ‘︎ 361
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I actually said this. I dropped a pack of steaks on the floor at the grocery store

I looked down and said "i guess thats how they make ground beef" another customer got a kick out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lonewolf71298
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store

The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What does my son call the grocery store?

The β€œNo” factory! (legit)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wardsmith_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Heard y’all like puns (flies were found dead, butter was found at the grocery store in the dairy isle)
πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soflytaxidermy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...

It was my honeydew list.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My favorite grocery store cashier suddenly disappeared. When I asked what happened, they said-

"He just checked out."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, β€œIt’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.

In truth, it was just rad-ish.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.

β€œYou cantaloupe! Your too young”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroshPresident
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...

Because all the leaves are brown.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BamaPaul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
A magician was walking down the street, and then he turned into a grocery store.

It was quite the amazing trick.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking into the grocery store today and this guy asked if I wanted a pamphlet on saving the planet

I said "bro, sure!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Grocery stores are now carrying gluten-free beef.

It's made from cattle that have Silly Yaks' disease.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.

So I went back home

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rubNTugInc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?

He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BornOfAVegan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to the grocery store and asked for 3 pounds of potatoes. "We don't have pounds", the grocer stated, "only kilos".

Annoyed, I went, "fine. I'll take 3 pounds of kilos then".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arr_jay816
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why dont grocery stores sell clothing?

Because they don't know what the woolworths.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashjmc89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Police were called to the local grocery store today

A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bamugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a lobster escape a grocery store tank

It clawed itself out

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuchoTornado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?

So I turned it into wine.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter if we needed anything at the grocery store. She said "Soy Sauce."

I replied: "Ola Sauce, Soy Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...

I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are β€œOut of Order”

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at the grocery store the other day getting flour

When a guy walks up next to me and grabs some yeast.

So I said, "A man of culture, I see!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend a secret about the grocery store.

He spilled the beans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a sale on citrus fruit at the grocery store...

It's for a lime-eted time only!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sam-A-Tron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œBack in the day...” my dad started to say. β€œYou could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...

β€œWherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of sprite from the grocery store.

I realised when I got home I picked 7up.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RexThunderhorn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Found at the grocery store
πŸ‘︎ 250
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoptartFitness27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Recent Trip to the Grocery Store

I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied β€œIt’s the Times, New Roman.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FapAlbert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
[Grocery Store] β€œOk. Milk..check. Bread...check. Bacon..check.”

Cashier: Sir, please stop writing checks for each item separately.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. That’s when I realized the party was over...

Oops, they were out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife: I gotta run to the grocery store after work

Me: wouldn’t it be easier to drive?

My wife: ....it was funny the first 100 times.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
While paying for groceries at a local store ,they had reusable shopping bags with the breast cancer awareness ribbon on them with a handwritten sign that said $.99 for a better tomorrow.

I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jHugley328
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you combine a grocery store and a clothing store?

Apple Crumble and Finch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkrose3333
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the bread shortage at the Indian grocery store?

When I went there, they had naan left.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My grocery store had a great deal on baked sweets today

It’s really been a great cake day

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wakes09
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.

I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.

πŸ‘︎ 622
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πŸ‘€︎ u/massivevivid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Saw this at the grocery store earlier today
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5v0Lt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I went to the grocery store yesterday, and we were amazed by the quality of the produce. We spoke with the Department Manager and offered to buy all of their Romaine

if he'd lettuce

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpalupagus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes to the grocery store...

A man goes to the grocery store and buys 2 apples, a banana and an onion.

The lady at the checkout counter says, "You must be single".

The man says, "Wow, how did you know?"

The lady says, "Because you're ugly."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fragzilla360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough...

They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!

πŸ‘︎ 324
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kratomom
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Recent Trip to the Grocery Store

I was just in a checkout line at the grocery store and the man behind me was going on and on in broken English about being from some Neo-Mediterranean superpower. He got my attention, pointed to a newspaper above the belt, and asked what it was. I replied β€œIt’s the Times, New Roman.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FapAlbert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the grocery store.

The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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