"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do" Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
It was a shitshow.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"
All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!
It get polaroids
Paddy O'Dining
Except Togo.
Because they don’t have chairs
The waiter walks over and asks for the order.
The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."
"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."
"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."
They were already assembled.
A police man doing his duty (doodie).
Joke courtesy of my Pepere (RIP)
A crow with a machine gun
I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs.
It's a ton of pressure.
A Roamin' Numeral.
(Apologies if it's an old joke. My daughter told me this today while doing online math class. THANKS COVID!!)
Everyone stay safe and healthy!
When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.
A messy dairy-error.
I told them they were just being shellfish.
Beethoven's Last Movement
Long time fan, first time poster.
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
A Prostitute tweetie
What does the Prostitute Tweetie say?
"Cheap Cheap"
Just heard that about 5 mins ago at the Christmas dinner table... from my dad.
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Spread Eagle
My wife thinks my hobbies are laughable
At the vege-table
"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.
"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."
"by the window," the sunflower responded. "I'm only here for a light meal."
A pat on the head
"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh
He says that it makes him feel more at home... on the range.
Time to get a new fence
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
“I toad you so.”
Because communication is key
Matt
Huge asteroids.
A roofster!
Beethoven’s last movement.
A new fence
