I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
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︎ Mar 28 2021
I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing
I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!
I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...
"Heinz-sight is 20/20"
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Sad news fellas, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.
π︎ 34
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︎ Mar 15 2021
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time
I asked him if heβs okay. He said, βYeah, Iβm great!β
π︎ 79
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
π︎ 58
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︎ Dec 28 2020
After seeing a dead bird I had to tell my 4 year old what it means.
I said
it Δt :
pro. Used to refer to that one previously mentioned. Used of a nonhuman entity; an animate being whose sex is unspecified, unknown, or irrelevant; a group of objects or individuals; an action; or an abstraction.
pro. Used as the subject of an impersonal verb.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 13 2021
My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brotherβs newborn.
I told her sheβs ovaryacting.
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 03 2021
I'm really tired of seeing just text posts here
π︎ 19
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︎ Jan 23 2021
After seeing Watt leaving the Texans
The teamβs power ranking will only get lower.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 12 2021
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
π︎ 32
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 16 2020
I sure got a kick out of seeing the comedian perform.
I would have preferred a handshake, though.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 27 2020
What are the chances of seeing a skinny man next to a catholic woman?
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 10 2020
If youβre seeing this, itβs a sign
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15Β°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Mar 17 2020
Next month, Iβm going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.
My wife said, βWhat are you going to do when you finally see it?β
Me: Iβll cross that bridge when I get there.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Am I seeing things now?
π︎ 1k
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︎ May 04 2020
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.
I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.
π︎ 32
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︎ Oct 29 2020
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
π︎ 39
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Seeing Airport Security confiscate all of my smuggled sausages out of my luggage...
...Really was the Wurst Case Scenario
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 09 2020
My 8 yo made this up after seeing a doctor: What makes your mouth sad?
π︎ 91
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︎ Aug 17 2020
Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA
but they never say when itβll hit.
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Water we seeing here
π︎ 3k
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︎ Nov 01 2019
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.
π︎ 26
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︎ Aug 02 2020
I've been seeing a lot of Stump Grinding signs lately.
I wonder what office they're running for.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Can you just imagine how pterosaurs felt seeing that meteor entering the earths atmosphere?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 17 2020
What does a frog say when seeing a hare?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 06 2020
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
π︎ 16
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︎ May 28 2020
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.
Defendant: Say-you-did-what.
Judge: What did you say?
Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.
π︎ 39
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︎ May 07 2020
Seeing such high unemployment rate, I thought of making a joke about unemployed people
but none of them worked...
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 23 2020
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"
"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"
π︎ 7
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︎ May 26 2020
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.
"No thanks, just looking around."
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Iβm seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.
Iβm taking away something valuable from each session.
π︎ 31
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︎ Jan 26 2020
Pun appreciation because the guy Iβm seeing is too slow to get it
him: ugh I wish you could squirt
me: wtf I donβt call out all your flaws so donβt call out my short cummings
π︎ 7
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︎ Jan 06 2020
New man seeing your ocean
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 06 2020
People who hate how they look in the mirror are seeing their own reflect-shun
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 04 2020
Seeing how petroleum production is an essential job
Is petroleum now an essential oil?
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 29 2020
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifiying
But it wasn't half as bad
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 19 2020
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts...
π︎ 44
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︎ Feb 02 2020
I just found out my wife has been seeing an electrician behind my back
π︎ 33
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︎ Jul 11 2019
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 24 2019
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, βWhat are you going to do when you see it?β
I said, βLetβs cross that bridge when we get there.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 20 2018
When I was in college, I used to live in a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Apr 05 2020
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Aug 13 2018
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