I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...

Cuttlefish instead?

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kevographic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Sad news fellas, I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine is gone.
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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I went to an Eye Doctor because I was having trouble seeing

I thought he would give me glasses, but he said he had a better solution and suddenly squirted ketchup into my eyes!

I was about to object, then realized I could see perfectly! I asked him how it worked, and he shrugged and said...

"Heinz-sight is 20/20"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaleoGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Grandpa went quiet after seeing my daughter for the first time

I asked him if he’s okay. He said, β€œYeah, I’m great!”

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/makecents91
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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My girlfriend poked me in the eye I stopped seeing her after a while
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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After seeing a dead bird I had to tell my 4 year old what it means.

I said it Δ­t : pro. Used to refer to that one previously mentioned. Used of a nonhuman entity; an animate being whose sex is unspecified, unknown, or irrelevant; a group of objects or individuals; an action; or an abstraction.

pro. Used as the subject of an impersonal verb.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumbstupidhuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brother’s newborn.

I told her she’s ovaryacting.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm really tired of seeing just text posts here
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acherem13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
After seeing Watt leaving the Texans

The team’s power ranking will only get lower.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkck0517
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"

My response: "144? That's a gross"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
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The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnotizeD_X
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15Β°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.

I call it the 0k boomer experiment.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I sure got a kick out of seeing the comedian perform.

I would have preferred a handshake, though.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mndaver24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If you’re seeing this, it’s a sign
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brainless_buster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the chances of seeing a skinny man next to a catholic woman?

Slim to nun

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afc1224
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Am I seeing things now?
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Next month, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.

My wife said, β€œWhat are you going to do when you finally see it?”

Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

πŸ‘︎ 428
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Water we seeing here
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenya-Flitton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My 8 yo made this up after seeing a doctor: What makes your mouth sad?

A tongue depressor.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marblz88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Seeing Airport Security confiscate all of my smuggled sausages out of my luggage...

...Really was the Wurst Case Scenario

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Apparently that new tropical storm is really hard to track. I keep seeing on the news TROPICAL STORM ETA

but they never say when it’ll hit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holm12345
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been seeing a lot of Stump Grinding signs lately.

I wonder what office they're running for.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atrix324
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you just imagine how pterosaurs felt seeing that meteor entering the earths atmosphere?

Probably pterofied.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterNova924
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a frog say when seeing a hare?

Rabbit! Rabbit!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordWolfWolf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.

These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Seeing such high unemployment rate, I thought of making a joke about unemployed people

but none of them worked...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LopsidedVader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.

I’m taking away something valuable from each session.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Pun appreciation because the guy I’m seeing is too slow to get it

him: ugh I wish you could squirt

me: wtf I don’t call out all your flaws so don’t call out my short cummings

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMissKeesha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, bends down as if to pet it, then picks it up by the tail and begins spinning it over his head. It created quite the ruckus, so an employee ran over and asked the man if he needed help.

"No thanks, just looking around."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
New man seeing your ocean
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benfutech
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
People who hate how they look in the mirror are seeing their own reflect-shun
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WTF_is_OT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Seeing how petroleum production is an essential job

Is petroleum now an essential oil?

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HenryRHolly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifiying

But it wasn't half as bad

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyX2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts...

Now she’s a medium.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out my wife has been seeing an electrician behind my back

I'm shocked

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, β€œWhat are you going to do when you see it?”

I said, β€œLet’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was in college, I used to live in a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I lived in a houseboat for a while, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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