What do you call a soft drink readying for the apocalypse?

Dr. Prepper

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokenMasterpiece
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2014
🚨︎ report
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is everyone depressed and ready for the year to end?

Because 2021.

I hope this is OC. Havent looked though.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Think_Future
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My mechanic is 87 years old and he still works 40 hours a week.

Whenever he says "I'm ready to retire," his boss puts him right back to work on another car.

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/logansworth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor

The Czech is in the mail.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My Christian wife got mad at me because adultery is a sin

But by god did I love thy neighbor

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Purple_ferret1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
When French people make bread, they throw the dough at the window to see if it's ready to bake

I guess that's why they call it window pain.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbwaeguk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I am finally ready to accept applications for my deer cloning business...

It's for anyone looking to make a quick buck.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Get ready for
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I think i am ready to become a dad
πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do the Obama’s know when dinner is ready?

They can smell what Barack is cooking.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bubbles0803
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend says I'm ready to be a Dad

I was watching TV with my hispanic girlfriend and on the show we were watching a guy gave a girl a danish (little pastry with fruit). My girlfriend said that while it looked pretty tasty and good, she's not much of a Danish person and I said, "Well, probably because you're hispanic.."

I immediately texted my dad the joke as well.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerbil2013
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Which state is always ready to write?

Pencil-vania XD

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jslee_beats0608
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A Bull and a cow were getting ready for bed.

The bull insistent on having sex until the female cow replied.

β€œ Honey I’m not in the moood.”

I uh I’m gonna go now.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheShapehalloween
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I always know when my Indian flat bread is ready without looking.

Guess I'm a Naan prophet.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
You've heard of Wooly Willy, now get ready for...
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumbs0fDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?

He replied "Chai, nah".

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know you're ready to become a dad?

When you're full groan.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jtiza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so ready to be a dad

I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.

I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.

As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.

I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.

Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to pop a couple anti-inflammatory pills while getting ready for work and wife asks which brand I wanted

I said, β€œI’m taking Advil before Aleeve”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said β€œany means necessary.”

To which I replied β€œNo it doesn’t.”

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshStartGo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning when I am done getting my 2 year old ready for school I call her a Canadian potato chip.

Because she’s all dressed.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zman11588
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the couple getting ready for a day in the desert?

They were dunesday preppers.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/batmanshsu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
You've heard of toodaloo, now get ready for:
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacemonkey0708
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you ready for the upcoming Zoom meeting?

Not even remotely.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/freakinana
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I was all ready to host a limbo contest, but then I found out that someone stole my special limbo bar.

I mean, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
THEY ARE NOT READY FOR SIEGE
πŸ‘︎ 369
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/L3onK1ng
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Chipotle' inform their customers that their order is ready?

...by tex-mexage.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatlack1023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I just thought of a name for a Christian ninja.

I swear I just thought of it, and I'm surprised I've never heard it before. Ready? Wait for iiiiiiiiiit...

John Claude Van Dang.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A politician walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter walks over and asks for the order.

The politician says what they would like, before adding, "But when it's ready, just give me a shout and I'll bring it to my table."

"Bring it to your table?" replies the staggered waiter. "But that is my job."

"Yes, because I'm only interested in serving myself."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Barbecued chicken is almost ready.

Time to flip the bird!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/no_ur_cool
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were getting ready to go to the beach, I reluctantly said to my wife, "I hate to say this honey, but your bikini is kinda tight and revealing." She giggled and said...

"Well then, you'd better wear your own!"

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
We can't let this year end!

Because that will mean 2021

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thornkale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A salt with a deadly weapon!
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raffar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm done with dating mermaids.

I'm ready for A riel woman.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SledgeHog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
What does Robin say to Batman when supper is ready?

β€œDinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Robin say to Batman when supper was ready?

β€œDinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I am finally ready to open my deer cloning business...

It's for anyone looking to make a quick buck.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.