I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. βOuch!β I yelled
βYOU, ow?β The cat replied in disbelief.
βME-owβ
π︎ 127
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
The set up sucks but I thought it was pretty smart
A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
So I picked up a pretty bad smoking habit...
My son hates it... he always likes to tell me βdad! Stop! Smoking causes cancerβ... Iβm always disappointed to inform him, βNo son. Smoking causes ashesβ
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Iβm doing a run of PokΓ©mon: SoulSilver where I name everybody after musical artist puns. Hereβs what Iβve come up with so far- pretty catchy, huh?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian
Now I'm a sit down comedian.
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 12 2020
I guess that's pretty methed up.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 15 2019
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
π︎ 92
π
︎ Oct 31 2019
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 08 2019
After playing our set at the local block party, a group of kids walked up to the stage and the leader laughed, "You rock pretty good for a buncha ole geezers, but why the heck did you name your band, 'Bald Patch'!?" I shrugged and said...
"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 01 2019
My family owns an arcade that I pretty much grew up in..
I guess you could say I have Pac-men-tality...... This is bad
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
Pretty much sums up the 90's.
90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 17 2018
Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 24 2019
A boy went to school pretty bruised up one day
His friend saw and laughed. Then he asked him;
"Why do You suppose they call it harsh parental love?"
He replied;
"I dunno fam beats me"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 12 2019
I was in the middle of an interview and I thought it was going pretty well. Up until they asked "Tell us about yourself in a nutshell."
"Someone help! Please! I'm in a nutshell! It's small and cramped in here!"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 26 2019
I'm pretty fed up with eating.
π︎ 63
π
︎ Dec 22 2013
Just woke up and I'm pretty disappointed
Haven't seen a good dad joke on reddit since last year
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 01 2019
I'm feeling pretty juiced up after this one this morning
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 30 2018
My gravy ended up being pretty impolite.
It was acting super ROUXd
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 09 2017
Speaking of Jay-Z, B asked him to clean up his video games. When she came back, she was pretty ticked off.
"What's wrong?"
"I can see your Halo"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 30 2018
Me: "Son, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your grandma slipped and fell on a banana peel. She's pretty banged up"
She got a banana Nana boo boo.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 07 2018
My 3yr-old scratched up his head pretty badly in a fall the other day. Once he had finished crying he dad-joked "What's my favorite plant?"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 29 2015
I work in a hospital. It's pretty great because if you mess up people are really chill about it, and they let you try again. It's really a good environment because...
We'd be a really shitty hospital if we didn't have any patience.
π︎ 42
π
︎ Feb 08 2014
My dad cracked himself up pretty good with this one
My dad and I talking about some statistic
Me- "You need to just look at the data."
Dad-"Day-tuh." (correcting my pronunciation which he does any chance he can get)
Me-"Data."
Dad-"No, I'm dada."
Groans shared by his girlfriend and I while he cracks up.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Aug 18 2014
Girlfriend set me up pretty nice for this one.
So my girlfriend and I are lying in bed this morning having just woken up. We both took deep breaths and exhaled at the same time and she says, "Oh look, our breathing is in sync". I reply, "I'd prefer if our breath was The Backstreet Boys".
She promptly knocked me out of bed.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 08 2014
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