Prep Puns

Friend: I know it’s your birthday soon but I can’t remember the day sorry.

Me: the 3rd

Friend: that’s the one!

Me: No it’s the three

$150??!!! Man, that shit was expensive!

I don't think I have Thyme for all that!

Now she thinks I'm in love with a stripper.

Me: I’m making salmon with capers, that work?

Wife: yeah, just hold the capers for me

Me: How long am I supposed to hold them for?

I was kicked out of the kitchen and she cooked. Worth every second.

They planet.

She said, "Sir, would you like me to box the rest of your meal for you?".

"Why, yes you can box it. Personally, I've always enjoyed wrestling more".

Brother: Hey Zaent I lost the key this safe, can you pick a lock? Me: Yeah sure, if you show me two, I'll pick one.

We were slicing olives for the pizza when my dad asked how many we needed. I chimed in "olive them". Due to the frequency of dad jokes in the household for the last 35 years, nobody reacted. However, when my mom asked "does that look good" after spreading the olives out, my dad said "Olive with that" and we all facepalmed. Well played, dad.

It was fowl.

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

The end is neigh

Trying to figure out dinners for meal preps and my husband straight up said “It’s your diet that’s the problem. scoff Pescatarian? More like PESTatarian!” And I am simultaneously impressed and hurt.

One day he decided to get a whole new set of cutting boards from Acme Board Co. However, while doing prep for all-you-can-eat hotwings night, he dropped one of the boards and it shattered.

He said, "Well, back to the old raw wing board."

So not the kind you tell the kids, but certainly Dad jokes, and totally true!

I recently had a vasectomy and the guy 'doing the deed' was some genius wordsmith or was just trying to be punny.

The first thing he said in the prep-talk was "you won't feel a thing".

A few mins later it was "don't worry it will all be over quickly"

and finally whilst administering the local anaesthetic "you may feel a small prick".

We, I thought it was funny and he certainly gave me a chuckle.

He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:

"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."

The resulting groan was glorious.

Me: Sanding dry wall putty, as I prep a room to paint

Wife: Walks in and says, “It looks like everything is going smoothly”

Me: “Yeah, but It started off a little rough”

Two friends from Boston getting ready to go to a party, Mike and Doe. They decided to make a few large sized bowls of guacamole for the party since there were going to be several people there.

It took them some time to prep and make, but in the end they had about five punch bowl sized bowls of guac. Mike looked Proud of their accomplishment but his friend started to freak out.

"How are we going to get this to the party? We can't take the bus, or the sub, and we sure as hell can't walk all the way there! Mike what the hell are we going to do?"

And Mike said.

"It's ok, Avocado."

http://i.imgur.com/5l3ihob.jpg

He pasted this sign on himself while vacuuming this morning... He has a talking watch on, and is prepping his trick/extendable fork for Xmas dinner. The puns and euphemisms are flowing like water. This is his day.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

Went in for surgery early this morning and the anesthesiologist came in to get me prepped for surgery.

Anesthesiologist: Alright we're ready for him now so time for goodbye hugs and kisses.

Dad: But we just met!

Laughs were had by all.

The lad and I were in my kitchen prepping Thanksgiving dinner and he asked me for a whisk, so I gave it to him. (That's not the joke.) He asked if I had a smaller one, and I responded that was the only one he had. To which he replied: "Then I guess... that's a whisk I'll have to take."

I was so proud.

As we were each prepping our burgers, I noticed these large pickle chips that fit perfectly on a sandwich and commented on how well they work. Everyone nodded in agreement when, from the corner of the room, my dad comments, "They're kind of a big Dill".

It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked:

"When do we get our graded paper back?"

to which I loudly yelled:

"I'd like a hardcover!"

Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning. Worth.

So I'm currently watching all 6 star wars movies to prep myself for the new one coming out.

I just now finished watching Attack of the Clones. At the part where C3PO has his head attached to the battle droid, abs R2D2 removes it and starts dragging his head on the ground, 3PO says "this is such a drag"

Now as long as I can remember I've always HATED that line. I saw the movie for the first time in theaters when I was 16 years old and thought that little joke was the absolute dumbest and pointless part of the entire movie.

Now 13 years later I watched it again and when he said that line I just found myself laughing at it like it was actually really funny. I recognized that cringe in it but all kept laughing for like two minutes at it.

Does this mean I need to find someone to impregnate immediately?

Same thing goes with most dad jokes. Especially puns. Always hated them but have really been enjoying the posts on this sub lately.

This is the story of a dad joke gone horribly (wonderfully) awry.

Early last week, I posted a status about my morning misadventures, which involved me accidentally putting face moisturizer on my toothbrush. This morning, my father reads this and decides to comment, "That's why I keep prep h in the cupboard." But he doesn't comment on my status. He writes this on my wall, without any context at all for innocent bystanders.

My wife was prepping to bake some bread. I yell down to her in the kitchen "what are you 'doughing' down there?"

As we're enjoying the bread she asked me to call our dog Charlie down from upstairs. I grabbed my cell phone and asked her "what's his number?"

Wife: Honey, can you please spray Pam on the baking sheet for me so I can finish prepping?

Me: I can't do that, honey.

Wife: Why not?

Me: Pam moved out after we sprayed her the last time.

Three Year Old Daughter: Oh, brother...

me: just finished the presentation dad: kk how did it go? me: it went well, it was difficult because it was only a 10 minute presentation when we are used to 20 minute long ones dad: dijon dad: should be two hours of prep for each minute or presentation me: we pulled it off quite well and prepared for a while too dad: dijon and relish me: what does that mean? dad: dijon and relish... kidding you'll ketchup

My girlfriend was in the kitchen prepping some leftovers. I leaned in and asked her what she was making.

To which she replied "Naan your business."

I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)

• Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.

• When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"

• While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"

• He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"

• Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.

I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.

I was building a new deck at the back of my house for a grill. Then I decided that it needed a counter for food prep, holding beers, etc. Well now that I have a counter, wouldn't it be great to have an outdoor fridge? Yes, yes it would. Needless to say, the size of the deck got a little out of control.

My wife sees the framing going up and says, "What do you need all this space for?"

I say, "Grilling meat and relaxation."

She responds, "Are you planning to do yoga while you grill?"

I say, "Yes. Downward Hot Dog."

She quips, "Careful, you wouldn't want to burn your little Warrior."

I work at a fast food place so today we were prepping onions for burgers.

Me: chopping all these onions makes me cry so much.

Him: the key is to not get so Emotionally attached to them

While prepping some pork for tomorrow's dinner, my dad dropped this beauty.

"I'm going to contact the 'Nade' family and ask them if they have ever named one of their daughters 'Mary'."

It's the dad joke singularity of facepalm concept and horrendous execution.