She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
It really means a lot.
It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Now she can fart on my wife's pillow
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
"No, he's in college."
"Red stop, Gringo."
She became a reagent.
"there are either predators or prey in the circle of life" explained the nun. "whatever an animal eats, it is called that animal's prey. for instance, rabbits eat lettuce - thus lettuce is rabbit prey."
"Sister, what is sunlight then?" asked a quizzical child.
smiling, the nun put her hands together and said, "lettuce prey".
Waste of time turns out hes got two left feet.
It just goes over everyone’s head.
He’s a great tooter.
But after the first two letters, it seemed a little “seedy”
It was ACE!
It means a lot
It means a lot.
It really means a lot!
You could say they're under my "tootelage".
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
It was a pretty funny tangent, though
But he wasn’t grasping the concept.
It means the world to me
Especially when they can’t use cowculators
He said 'no son of mine is going to be assisi!'
Don't Menschen it
It truly was a gripping story.
What letter is this?
Because I'm asking you! What letter is it??
How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this??
I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke
Those jailbirds were always behind a few bars.
My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.
"Thank you daddy, in spanish"
I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned. I have never been prouder.
"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."
Picks an egg
"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"
The itching in my eye was really out of control.
My son successfully took a bite by himself and I said, "Good forking job!" My wife groaned.
It means the world to me.
Because he is a coach.
but I guess it could be chalked up to freedom of expression...
"Okay, so this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench, and this, well, you know the drill."
Se habla Espan y’all.
Then the next 18 telling them to sit down & shut up!
I was giving her a toot-orial
He couldn't learn how to properly play in low key.
A plane takes off from an airport in a diagonal ascent for 8km. 5km from the liftoff point a passenger flushes a turd down the toilet. Right then a farmer with a pair if binoculars watching the plane from directly underneath the aircraft sees the turd jettisoned, and exclaims. That's a high pot in use!
Professor: So one method of dating the earth is Radiometric Dating. What are some other methods that can be used to date the earth?
Student: How about courtship?
"Will that make you a traitor or a trader?"
He texted my wife the following (my name's Hoss)
Do you know what that motion is called when Hoss walks his Harley backwards out of the garage without starting it?
Reverse Hossmosis! :D
And when my dad learned what nickname means, he went like, 'Nick have name and it's nickname!' And chuckled.
It isn't funny but I thought I should post it here.
Our professor told us he had a lame excuse
We had a door to door pest control salesman that wouldn't leave our front porch. When he finally left, my 10 year old son says, "Man, that guy was bugging!"
I've been China get a job to pursue my teaching Korea but I'm willing Tibet the pay is Laos-y and I don't wan't money Thai-ing me down.
Him: I have no clue which sausage to buy. What do you recommend?
Me: Well, I don't know which one is the best, but I can tell you which one is the wurst!
Her: Once, a prince tried to overthrow his father, the Shah. So his father killed all his son's men in front of him, then gouged out his eyes
Me: I guess he...
...didn't see that one coming.
"You just press this button ... IT'S GUNNA BLOW!!"
Followed by embarrassed teen noises.
"...and of course you know why you have to bake jalapeño" "No why?" "Because it's a little chilly" "..."
Similarly, if you build a man a fire, he'll be warm for an hour. But if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
I asked the class if they knew which was the last war the U.S. officially had declared as a war.
Students threw out a few wrong answers, none more egregious than when I hear
Me: Syria?! Are you Ser-i-ous?!
I roared with laughter. I got a couple giggles from the students.
I said, it depends on what she's trying to learn
I said "Put your finger on the icon thing and hold it there until it wiggles.... Is it wiggling?"
Dad - "The little icon is but not my finger."
Arriving at a red light Dad: Don't make this stop abrupt, ohp ohp... That was an abrupt stop. Me: (laughing) Shut up, dad! I knew it would be... Dad: You didn't start stopping early enough. Get it? Start stopping? Stop starting? (Dad laugh)
A group of fifth graders are visiting our school he asks the kids "Hey did Mr. O(5th grade music teacher) ever tell you we went to college. It was me him and Abraham Lincoln in class"
One of his favorites "What side of the dog has the most fur?" "The Outside"
Whenever a kid asks "Can I go to the bathroom?" He always answers with "Only a Dr. Can tell you that." He does is so much that when A child says may I go to the bathroom he still does it without thinking. Most students stopped asking to go to the bathroom or ask me.
Its been a great few months of these, I'll add more to the comments as I think of them.
Years ago my parents sent my sister to England for a summer camp/study trip. Whenever we would call her we'd all gather around the speakerphone and talk briefly since international phone calls were expensive back then. One day we call her and my sister tells my dad that she has 6 more days of camp left and she is down to her last pound (dollar). There is a long awkward pause. Then my sister ask: Dad, what should I do? To which my dad responds: Spend it wisely...