When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 17 2021
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
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Coronavirus is now all over the world

But China got it right off the bat.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 331
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Said_It_in_Reddit
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
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I tripped over my wife’s bra...

It was a booby trap

πŸ‘οΈŽ 68
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/3cansofbeans
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 20 2021
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My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.

She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.

We always finish each others sentences.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 65
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.

Can't have shit in Detroit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Meini_Studios
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 30 2020
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Dad dropped this one on me over the phone today

Dad: Have I ever told you that story about my dad?

Me: Which one?

Dad: The only dad I have!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Firree
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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My neighbor just asked what I do with β€œleft over” bacon.

I consider myself a bacon connoisseur but I’ve never heard of that kind before, can anyone help me out on this?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Frindwamp
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.

He was charged with attempted murder.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 51
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 25 2020
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My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. β€œTwo EMTs?” I asked her...

...don’t you mean β€œpair o’ medics”?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 766
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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Why did the bike fall over?

It was two tired.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoeJoey2004
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...

Toot Suite

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/xrayhearing
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew of the bay, they'd be bagles.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 75
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/professorf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2020
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My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles

It was a protracted battle

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RatherBeSkiing
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 09 2021
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2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in

Hadn’t cleaned the house all year

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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Butcher of "Baa"viken: Killer of over hundred innocent sheep.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/D00M12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
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What do you call it when you feel like your hearing the same song over and over again

DJ vu

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KrazyKoen
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
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When my grandparents came over they said: β€œYou look like you’ve grown a foot!”

I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: β€œNo, I still have just two.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rallocks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2021
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Did you know Aaron Burr had a brother who was always falling over?

His name was Tim.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 118
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CanadianTrainFan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2020
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What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2021
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If police pull over a U-Haul van

did they bust a move?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/lucas_m15
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2020
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25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/sevohanian
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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GF- β€œWhy do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

BF- β€œ Our relationship is what? Over.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/syniss
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2020
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Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.

It was his Jed Eye Master.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/skycooper11
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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"Huh, why are those big cats over there *blue*?"

"Oh, they're just a hyper-lynx."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jorg2
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 14 2020
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I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.

It's just water under the fridge.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 54
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Snowdoggo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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Can't believe 2020 is already over.

Feels like yesterday.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TotoBabaDonk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
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I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...

Wrong post

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheKiwiBlitz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2021
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Dad, what's that big flat hill over there?

Son that's called a Plateau, it's the highest form of flattery known to man.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FlackJack3t
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2021
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Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?

Man....we were wild .

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar holding a hammer over his head.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2020
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I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.

The bastard put me on Xanax!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 29 2020
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Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?

Dad: It's just an Aleutian.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Rimfax
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 30 2020
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I brought over the wrong pastries to my relatives' house for Christmas brunch

Now I'm stuck with a bunch of cross-aunts

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Saltycook
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 26 2020
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There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information

Get it?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/LightningClone
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 33
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.

They're mouthbreathers.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ZilchIJK
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2021
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I told my dad that I always felt a deep sense of foreboding when we drive on the bridge over the canal

He said "That's because the canal IS for boating."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/strionic_resonator
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 07 2021
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It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 191
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One day the Canadians will take over the world....

Then you'll all be sorry.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 127
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/JoeFoShow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
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A friend decided to gift me the boots I’ve been drooling over

They weren’t the color I wanted, but beggars can’t be shoes-y.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the bike fall over?

It was two tired.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/goddred
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report

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