When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Coronavirus is now all over the world
But China got it right off the bat.
I tripped over my wife’s bra...
My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.
She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.
We always finish each others sentences.
In Illinois, it's illegal to have legal possesion over fecal matter of any sort.
Can't have shit in Detroit.
Dad dropped this one on me over the phone today
Dad: Have I ever told you that story about my dad?
Me: Which one?
Dad: The only dad I have!
My neighbor just asked what I do with “left over” bacon.
I consider myself a bacon connoisseur but I’ve never heard of that kind before, can anyone help me out on this?
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
My wife told me she saw two EMTs walking over by the hospital. “Two EMTs?” I asked her...
...don’t you mean “pair o’ medics”?
Why did the bike fall over?
In the French Court of Louis XIV, going to the bathroom happened all over the place, but loud farting was really stigmatized. So people experiencing gas had to rush to a specifically appointed room called the...
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew of the bay, they'd be bagles.
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
Butcher of "Baa"viken: Killer of over hundred innocent sheep.
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
What do you call it when you feel like your hearing the same song over and over again
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Did you know Aaron Burr had a brother who was always falling over?
What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
If police pull over a U-Haul van
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
GF- “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”
BF- “ Our relationship is what? Over.”
Old Jed Clampett (Beverly Hillbillies) got in an accident that left him with a glass eye. It was uncomfortable to sleep in over night so he took it out and hired a servant to watch it.
It was his Jed Eye Master.
"Huh, why are those big cats over there *blue*?"
"Oh, they're just a hyper-lynx."
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
I wish my family wouldn't make such a big deal over not picking up dropped ice cubes.
It's just water under the fridge.
Can't believe 2020 is already over.
I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...
Dad, what's that big flat hill over there?
Son that's called a Plateau, it's the highest form of flattery known to man.
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
A guy walks into a bar holding a hammer over his head.
"Ladies and Gentlemen" he yells!! "This is not a drill."
I went to see a psychiatrist to get over my crippling fear of palindromes.
The bastard put me on Xanax!
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
I brought over the wrong pastries to my relatives' house for Christmas brunch
Now I'm stuck with a bunch of cross-aunts
There are 2 types of people: 1) people who make inferences over low amounts of information
I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
I told my dad that I always felt a deep sense of foreboding when we drive on the bridge over the canal
He said "That's because the canal IS for boating."
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
One day the Canadians will take over the world....
Then you'll all be sorry.
A friend decided to gift me the boots I’ve been drooling over
They weren’t the color I wanted, but beggars can’t be shoes-y.
Why did the bike fall over?