I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.

Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?

Me: Piggy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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When you open a bank account it's paused

That's why you gotta de-pause it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arm3tt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Don't ever open a joint bank account with a cowgirl.

She might beat you to the draw.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Got my girlfriend with a couple while trying to open up an online bank account.

Her: We should get going.

Me: Hold on, I want to open this online bank account before they close.

Her: <sarcastic> Oh yeah, cause they close early on Saturday

Me: Yeah, they have to head out early to beat the internet traffic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neonoodle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
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Hey son, your mom is going back to tax accounting and I’m going to open a mortuary, know what we are going to call it?

β€œDeath & Taxes”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aph603
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2021
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Me and my friend opened a bank account to save up for drugs

Is it a 'joint' account.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinanthbharadwaj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Today I opened a new bank account on the phone. Everything was done by protocall.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atanasA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Me and my friend opened a shared bank account for buying weed

It'll be our joint account.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/airlancelot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
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I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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Why did the blonde walk into a bank with a bag full of shredded wood?

She wanted to open a shavings account.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Today at the lake...

My daughter dropped her phone in the water and jumped in after it.

I told her she just open an InstaSwam account.

Somehow I'm the bad guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CainnicOrel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Slightly offensive dadjoke at work

This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this.

I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town.

There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area.

Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said "yeah, I know," and carried on.

Then I raised my hand.

He called on me, and I began: "So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying? A church accountant or one of the clergy or something?"

"Yes, whoever owns the account itself."

"Would that be considered a 'holy chit?'"

The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears.

Probably my finest moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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