I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Because I always take my shit to the next level
As a patriot, I have decided to buy my next Honda directly from Japan and pay the necessary tariffs.
It will...be my Civic duty.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
Prince Phillip is standing next to DMX in line for St. Peter, he's says "50?"
DMX respond "naw dawg that's a different rapper"
A comprehensive guide to take your Dad joke to the next level...
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
My dog just lazes around all day waiting for his next meal to be delivered.
Me: reading the “No Fences” sign next to the road
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef
A meat-loving king has a contest to find the next royal chef. He invites 3 renowned chefs from all over the kingdom to serve him and the favorite will become the new royal chef!
The first chef serves the king an enormous rack of ribs. "Very impressive," said the king.
The second chef serves a huge steak, cooked to perfection. "So satisfying," said the king.
The third chef gives the king a plate with small rocks on a bed of shredded cabbage. "What the hell is this," the king asks.
The third chef says, "These rocks fell from the sky into my back yard. Indeed, ribs and steak are very meaty, but asteroids are meteor!"
The mad scientist awoke, thrilled to see his clone right next to him.
He was beside himself with excitement.
What do you call two horses that live next to eachother?
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
I asked my friend to come to the gym with me. He said he was busy for the next 7 days....
Bit of a week excuse if you ask me.
We live next door to the Pullovers.
They're a tight knit family.
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
I looked into taking a trip to Norway in the next ten years...
A small rodent lives in a apartment next to my computer keyboard.
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
What planet is next to Uranus?
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
In our next Dnd campaign, the 4 heroes are all going to be singing wizards.
A regular bard-ershop quartet.
My 11 year old and I were coming out of a store and someone just parked right next to our car.
She said. Our cars aren’t social distancing! You don’t want them to get ...CARona virus do you?
Proud moment.
Why don’t blueberries want to be planted next to the corn?
Because the corn was a stalker.
New microbrewery opened up next door to me, but I'm getting an itchy feeling about it
It's run by bearded artisants.
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
Craig David has volunteered to help out at the next Olympics, he has been assigned to Archery...
He said “He’s delighted to be the bo selecta”
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
My next door neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
What are the chances of seeing a skinny man next to a catholic woman?
I'm going to Prague next year.
I can't wait to Czech it out.
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
Next month, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.
My wife said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
The cannibal living next to me caught and killed a clairvoyant...
He only put her in the oven for only half an hour though.
Apparently he likes his medium rare.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
I once sat next to a baby on a 10 hour flight. I had no idea that it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
My next joke is going to be about helium.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
For my next car, I’m going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
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