9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
Just seen that there's a nudist convention on in town next week....
...I might go if I've got nothing on
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Me: Hey, Dad, is that a man standing next to an igloo over there?
Dad: It's just an Aleutian.
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
Whats the last thing a serial killer hears before he kills his next victim
My 11 year old and I were coming out of a store and someone just parked right next to our car.
She said. Our cars aren’t social distancing! You don’t want them to get ...CARona virus do you?
Proud moment.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
What are the chances of seeing a skinny man next to a catholic woman?
For my next car, I’m going to buy a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
The cannibal living next to me caught and killed a clairvoyant...
He only put her in the oven for only half an hour though.
Apparently he likes his medium rare.
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked “what happens if the ball lands in the house”
The dad said “it’s a home-in-one”
A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.
The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
I once sat next to a baby on a 10 hour flight. I had no idea that it was possible for someone to cry for 10 hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed.
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
There’s a horse that lives next door to me.
What do you call a horse in the pasture next door?
I was supposed to go to a salt n pepa concert next week
Unfortunately, due to the coronavirus they had to push it
I sat next to a guy that looked identical to me.
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
The next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
I saw a baguette in a cage, there was a sign next to it.
It reads “Bread in Captivity”
The old lady who lives next door keeps talking about a small deep-ground reservoir...
Two cows are standing next to each other in a pasture...
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artifically inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Next time you see a packet of salt at a restaurant, throw it at your friend.
Then say, “That’s a salt!”
A pole to help with your next debate
Two snails pulled up next to me at a red light.
When the light turned green they sped away.
I looked to my friend and said, “look at that S car go!”
So it turned out the woman next door is a nudist.
I’m on the fence about it.
I love living next to a cemetery
I have three different levels of tan on me. One level is my arms and legs from wearing a shirt and shorts. The next level is from not wearing a shirt at the beach. And the last is under my shorts.
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I once had a relationship with a woman who lived on the houseboat next to mine
but sadly we drifted apart.
After a procedure... Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano?
Doctor: Yes you can.
Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.
The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.
Next Summer I'm applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
For my next car, I’m thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand new Rolex."
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
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