Last week, I tried out ten new puns

To see if they’d make people laugh... but no pun intended!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoenixrejoicez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Looking for a new pun tat

I already have a bee on my butt-cuz when I do the sizzle finger thing I say it stings beeing this hot

A pacifier on my middle finger- for the suckers

I am hoping to get a fly in a suit soon holding some jars of honey- cuz you can catch a fly with honey but you can catch more hunnys being fly

Any other ideas would be appreciated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drippinsteezsam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My new pun...

If you're a Muslim scholar on the side, would that be Allah carte?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goone_unit
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Comment with any new puns below
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eelsnstuff
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you see the new puns subthread?

Reddit already.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ContentDoctor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife asked if I was going to get new puns now that I'm a dad.

I told her the old ones just get grandfathered in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthlythari
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
New Pun-centric Podcast "The Punnery" is Great! punnery.libsyn.com/
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icewolf1990
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: In the Atlantic Ocean a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint

It’s believed both crews have been marooned

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simfy44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards..

We will update you as the situation unfolds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane

We're currently filming the pilot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
Breaking news
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerb99meister
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
🚨︎ report
What kind of news does a helicopter read?

Uplifting ones.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oofsoof
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
The news always reports on violations of human rights

But what about their lefts?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board

Whoops, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
Finally some good fucking news.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
Our local HS music dept was in the news
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyNow646
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...

To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
I bought a new pair of gloves today...

...but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_oddballwoofwoof_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
BRAKING NEWS

Has gotta stop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirLucky
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
A confectioner just couldn’t break bad news to anyone

He kept sugarcoating everything

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redbanditttttttt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
On the news: β€œnearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”

Me, to my wife: β€œthat’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the news about the Art club going missing.

They disappeared without a trace.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alike01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
How do italians get their news?

The Panini Press

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
A guy was watching the news and saw that a famous celebrity had died. He called his friend to let him know.

Jim: Did you hear that Reece Whats-her-name died while eating a bowl of soup?

Joe: No way! Witherspoon???

Jim: Yes, of course.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
The good news about making defective fireworks...

...is that nobody points the finger at you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supercman99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
I bought my wife one of them new wireless mouse chargers.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ErockLobster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
New dating service launched in Prague!

It's called Czech-Mate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/t44s
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.

He said, β€œI hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The bad news is: theres no good news.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
A news report claims terrorists have begun putting explosives inside cans of Alphabetti Soup.

If one goes off it could spell disaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
Why did the news anchor get his windows tinted?

To prevent others from Seein’ In.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noreason13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
Sad news today in Germany. The inventor of the lozenge has died.

They service will be held on Monday. They'll be no coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrightinglyPunny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
πŸ˜”πŸ˜” we’ve hit a new low
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jstalii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?!

They're making headlines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WulliesTime
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
🚨︎ report
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.

You just have to have a feel for it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Someone just took a picture.

More on this story as it develops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashie1985
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
Breaking news! Wineries across the country are forced to temporarily layoff employees.

It's being called the great Merlot furlough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LunOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
🚨︎ report
I told my wife β€œHoney, there’s a chip in our new bowls!” She was not as impressed.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kekesupreme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?

Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the new movie 'Constipation'?

Yeah it hasn't come out yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meme_ilike
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
My friend asked if the new Ghostbusters movie was any good

I told him it captures the spirit of the original

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niyi_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
Some good news for a change.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PachaFerrera
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
My neighbor asked why i bought a new lawn mower...

..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.

(Neighbor approved)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorVinderman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
Hot news
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShowersALot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Good Morning!! Hot news coming in but before that let’s look at
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikintp
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane...

I’m currently filming the pilot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees

They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizmo734
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
What did the chemist say when they found two new isotopes of helium?

HeHe

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashwynee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
New Dog

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. We were not home ten minutes and he made a bolt for the door!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smsgojets
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
Forget about "fake news"...

It should be called "infaux".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGregSputnik
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
I'm raising money for a new row of shrubs by selling stock...

Would you like a few shares of my hedge fund?

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
There has been some good news today as a plus-size clairvoyant announces they are releasing a charity calendar, with pictures of them in their underwear.

Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megamouth2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
Have any of you that seen that new movie β€œConstipation”?

Oh never mind.... it hasn’t come out yet

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adhdandwingingit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed

I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.

πŸ‘︎ 438
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LuitenantElo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
My friend Richard bought a new house only to rebuild as ugly as he could. All his new neighbors hate him.

It was a Dick move.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodegen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Hooters’ new contactless delivery service?

For a while it was knockers, but now it’s just honkers

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadzoned3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Why did the elevator repair tech want to get a new job?

He was tired of all the ups and downs.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono_bound20xx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the new broom?

It's sweeping the world.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nikwr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
I'll just get new ones I guess
πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
Sneak preview of new atar wars plot

an army of clones of the most hated celebrities attack hollywood.

Remaking due to spelling error.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
Breaking news, plice van crashes into cement mixer

A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer.

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

πŸ‘︎ 836
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.

It was great, but the bill was enormous.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.

So far I'm sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdollard333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
I tried to create a new lifeform out of dessicated sourdough

But I only bred crumbs

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombumblebee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
You hear about the new bomb made out of horses?

It’s called neigh-palm

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
Have you seen that new Chinese/Mediterranean restaurant started by that guy from Cairo?

It's called Wok like an Egyptian.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paladin_Aranaos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ghostwriter623
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
When I saw my son playing with his new scientist play kit...

I just knew there was trouble brewing

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshunzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.

... for breakfast.

πŸ‘︎ 232
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
I am awaiting news from my doctor to see if I have athlete's foot.

I'm on my toes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TickLikesBombs
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...

I just have to take shelfies!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chick3nwin9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
Bill and Ted have a new cookbook coming out

It’s called Wyld Scallions

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adamhoolhorst
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
The bad news is I broke my leg

The good news is I aced my IHOP interview

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scooby_dyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
I knew this new pandemic was popular but

I had no idea it was viral.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...

...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ih8YourCat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
My nan died in a freak bulldozer accident during the building of my new house.

I only wanted one granny flat :(

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ijbgtrdzaq
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
I see Sky News saying this whole Boris Johnson thing is unpresidented...

don’t they mean unprimeministered ?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
I got pizza for everyone the day I started my new job as manager...

It was my first order of business

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
New stairs!
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSecretpolice
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
I caught my son tying a half hitch on my new Rolex.

I thought β€˜knot on my watch’

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CYBERSson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago ?

Because he's still alive

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the new restaurant the Mafia just opened up?

Foot traffic for indoor dining is a little slow, but they do a great TAKEOUT business

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MynameisMatlock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
They say that 40 is the new 30

Kent traffic police beg to differ...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Londoner1982
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
Amazon has started a new service where you will get custom made shirts delivered within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
What is the new name of American Idol this year?

The Masked Singer.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrimeMvr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06
🚨︎ report
Where does Tinkerbell go for new shoes?

A fairyer

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
Our local flying school is trialling a new programme to teach blind people how to fly.

Can’t see it taking off

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4wwn4h
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
Apple just released their brand new round-shaped product

It's called the apple Ο€

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/19olo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.

He said, β€œYou’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMikeLeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18
🚨︎ report
Daughter, 6, getting her hair brushed this morning: β€œDad, I need a new bum”

Me, eyebrow raised: β€œAnd why is that sweetheart?”

Her: β€œBecause mine has a crack in it!”

I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.

Proud dad moment.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29
🚨︎ report
Corduroy pillow cases are back in the news.

They’re making all the headlines.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
The news always reports on violations of human rights

But what about their lefts?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report

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