Last week, I tried out ten new puns
To see if they’d make people laugh... but no pun intended!
Looking for a new pun tat
I already have a bee on my butt-cuz when I do the sizzle finger thing I say it stings beeing this hot
A pacifier on my middle finger- for the suckers
I am hoping to get a fly in a suit soon holding some jars of honey- cuz you can catch a fly with honey but you can catch more hunnys being fly
Any other ideas would be appreciated
My new pun...
If you're a Muslim scholar on the side, would that be Allah carte?
Comment with any new puns below
Did you see the new puns subthread?
My wife asked if I was going to get new puns now that I'm a dad.
I told her the old ones just get grandfathered in.
Breaking News: In the Atlantic Ocean a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint
It’s believed both crews have been marooned
My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...
"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"
Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards..
We will update you as the situation unfolds.
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
I'm making a new documentary series on how to fly an aeroplane
We're currently filming the pilot
What kind of news does a helicopter read?
The news always reports on violations of human rights
But what about their lefts?
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Finally some good fucking news.
Our local HS music dept was in the news
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
I bought a new pair of gloves today...
...but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
A confectioner just couldn’t break bad news to anyone
He kept sugarcoating everything
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
Have you heard the news about the Art club going missing.
They disappeared without a trace.
How do italians get their news?
A guy was watching the news and saw that a famous celebrity had died. He called his friend to let him know.
Jim: Did you hear that Reece Whats-her-name died while eating a bowl of soup?
Joe: No way! Witherspoon???
Jim: Yes, of course.
The good news about making defective fireworks...
...is that nobody points the finger at you.
I bought my wife one of them new wireless mouse chargers.
New dating service launched in Prague!
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
The bad news is: theres no good news.
A news report claims terrorists have begun putting explosives inside cans of Alphabetti Soup.
If one goes off it could spell disaster.
Why did the news anchor get his windows tinted?
To prevent others from Seein’ In.
Sad news today in Germany. The inventor of the lozenge has died.
They service will be held on Monday. They'll be no coffin.
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?!
They're making headlines.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
BREAKING NEWS: Someone just took a picture.
More on this story as it develops.
Breaking news! Wineries across the country are forced to temporarily layoff employees.
It's being called the great Merlot furlough.
I told my wife “Honey, there’s a chip in our new bowls!” She was not as impressed.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Have you heard about the new movie 'Constipation'?
Yeah it hasn't come out yet.
My friend asked if the new Ghostbusters movie was any good
I told him it captures the spirit of the original
Some good news for a change.
My neighbor asked why i bought a new lawn mower...
..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.
Good Morning!! Hot news coming in but before that let’s look at
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane...
I’m currently filming the pilot.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
What did the chemist say when they found two new isotopes of helium?
I bought a dog from a blacksmith. We were not home ten minutes and he made a bolt for the door!
Forget about "fake news"...
It should be called "infaux".
I'm raising money for a new row of shrubs by selling stock...
Would you like a few shares of my hedge fund?
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks “why should I hire you?” The applicant responded “I have a special talent!”
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
There has been some good news today as a plus-size clairvoyant announces they are releasing a charity calendar, with pictures of them in their underwear.
Fans of the psychic say that they are looking forward to seeing a large medium in smalls.
Have any of you that seen that new movie “Constipation”?
Oh never mind.... it hasn’t come out yet
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
My friend Richard bought a new house only to rebuild as ugly as he could. All his new neighbors hate him.
Did you hear about Hooters’ new contactless delivery service?
For a while it was knockers, but now it’s just honkers
Why did the elevator repair tech want to get a new job?
He was tired of all the ups and downs.
Have you heard about the new broom?
I'll just get new ones I guess
Sneak preview of new atar wars plot
an army of clones of the most hated celebrities attack hollywood.
Remaking due to spelling error.
Breaking news, plice van crashes into cement mixer
A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer.
Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.
It was great, but the bill was enormous.
My one new years resolution was to start to use my Velcro wall more.
So far I'm sticking to it.
I tried to create a new lifeform out of dessicated sourdough
You hear about the new bomb made out of horses?
Have you seen that new Chinese/Mediterranean restaurant started by that guy from Cairo?
It's called Wok like an Egyptian.
Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.
After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on. There were reaper cushions.
When I saw my son playing with his new scientist play kit...
I just knew there was trouble brewing
NEWS: Chuck Norris has coronavirus.
I am awaiting news from my doctor to see if I have athlete's foot.
Every time I travel to a new city, I like to take a picture of myself in front of the tomes of books...
I just have to take shelfies!
Courtesy of Have I Got News For You.
Bill and Ted have a new cookbook coming out
It’s called Wyld Scallions
The bad news is I broke my leg
The good news is I aced my IHOP interview
I knew this new pandemic was popular but
I had no idea it was viral.
My wife was just trying to convince me to spend $1k on a new king size bed...
...I told her I’d have to sleep on it.
My nan died in a freak bulldozer accident during the building of my new house.
I only wanted one granny flat :(
I see Sky News saying this whole Boris Johnson thing is unpresidented...
don’t they mean unprimeministered ?
I got pizza for everyone the day I started my new job as manager...
It was my first order of business
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.
To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....
I caught my son tying a half hitch on my new Rolex.
I thought ‘knot on my watch’
Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago ?
Have you heard about the new restaurant the Mafia just opened up?
Foot traffic for indoor dining is a little slow, but they do a great TAKEOUT business
They say that 40 is the new 30
Kent traffic police beg to differ...
Amazon has started a new service where you will get custom made shirts delivered within 48 hours.
It’s called Tailor Swift.
What is the new name of American Idol this year?
Where does Tinkerbell go for new shoes?
Our local flying school is trialling a new programme to teach blind people how to fly.
Apple just released their brand new round-shaped product
We went to a new market today for the first time. Dad was very impressed.
He said, “You’re telling me a flea runs this market?!”
Daughter, 6, getting her hair brushed this morning: “Dad, I need a new bum”
Me, eyebrow raised: “And why is that sweetheart?”
Her: “Because mine has a crack in it!”
I actually laughed. I don’t really know where she heard the joke or if she even knows why it’s funny, but it’s a good start to the day.
Proud dad moment.
Corduroy pillow cases are back in the news.
They’re making all the headlines.
The news always reports on violations of human rights
But what about their lefts?