Fresh puns
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BEASTXDG
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Farm fresh puns
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snowed-Inn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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One time on a road trip we drove through Iowa and stopped at a farm around harvest time. I tried to speak to the farmer about buying some fresh corn 🌽 but he had no time for me.

β€œSorry, mister,” he said. β€œI’m up to my ears in work.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fladavpam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.

My 4 year old said β€œmummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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Eating more fresh vegetables makes you an expert pooper. It's right in the name.

Pro deuce

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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I gave my son a fresh fish for Christmas

I don't understand why he was so disappointed. He told me he wanted the new cod

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChefRagnarok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Why do people from the alt right only eat fresh food?

- Because they hate left overs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubenmiq
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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I just baked some fresh chocolate chip cookies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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We made a dill potato salad last night, and man, was it delicious. So fresh and herby...

It was some baller baller dill, y’all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HyruleanHyroe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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The fresh prince
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwwafwl6
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Fresh from our fellow r/meme-rs
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpazioCreativity
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Fresh from r/softwaregore
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpazioCreativity
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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Even if you use fresh water in a water gun...

It's still assault water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindolintoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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β€ͺMy cat really seemed to enjoy her fresh meal today...‬

It was mousewatering‬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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My fresh herbs will go bad soon

I want to make pesto but I’m running out of thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/animel4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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My new spice merchant can be a little sassy. I asked her for some fresh, high-quality thyme.

She told me, "If you got the money, honey, I got the thyme."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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He can provide you with fresh prints.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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A man makes fresh coffee and takes it to his wife in bed....

She drinks it and goes: β€œUgh, this tastes like dirt.”

He responds: β€œWell, honey, it was just ground.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errorFohOhFoh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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Dad always loves some fresh root beer in the afternoon. v.redd.it/794w2gaknmk11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mechanicalmind
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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Fresh off the oven
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theEndWasShit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Last night, in bed, my wife asked me to put fresh fish and herbs on her.

I said, "There's a thyme and a plaice for that sort of thing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MRyeti18
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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I keep being awakened by dreams of Indian dishes that use a complex combination of spices or herbs, usually including ground turmeric, cumin, coriander, ginger, and fresh or dried chilies...

It's a re-curry-ing nightmare.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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What do cannibals eat for a fresh breath?

Men-toes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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How can you tell if your eggs are fresh?

Check the eggspiration date

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobGrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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Ok fresh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hmmmmmmble_trauma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Wife is cooking "Im going to add this sage sparingly, because it's fresh sage, and the recipie calls for dried, so I don't how much to use."

So you're saying you need some sage advice?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/department_g33k
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
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Hot and fresh, made to order puns!

Do you need a pun? Just ask!

I can do puns with just one subject, puns that connect two subjects, pun pickup lines, and pun-chlines for jokes of the form "____ walks into a bar."

Just comment on this post with the subject you need a pun on, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrAcurite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Brining pickles makes them last much longer than fresh cucumbers, but packing them in air-tight containers…

That's what really seals the dill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Who_GNU
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Autocorrect screws up so much, I'm just fresh out of ducks to give.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robuttocks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Fresh bucket of Springwater appeared in my yard today
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoreMorale
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Why do hospitals have AC?...to keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeffthecreeper1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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My kids and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.

Lettuce know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Designed_To
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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Fresh Thyme blackberries linked to hepatitis A outbreak in three states.

This is berry bad news

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaceInTheCloudz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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I've had a fresh coconut once...

It's a tough nut to crack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lymer555
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Which knight kept King Arthur’s food fresh at the Round Table?

Sir Anrapp

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wes_Rivermaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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Where can you get fresh, holy grapes?

Off Devine.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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I just wanted fresh beef from the mountains.

But the steaks were too high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tadbitcrazy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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If you let the air out of tires, is it fresh air or tired air?

From my friend and former coworker Jim. The "king" of dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MegaVortex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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Two fresh grapes decided to sit together out in the sun one day...

Pretty soon they were raisin kids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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