A mass murder
I forgot.
https://preview.redd.it/el0b8g5ppsd51.png?width=532&format=png&auto=webp&s=ab5dcea74bed5f718e2302d61dee111ec7fda5ee
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
The doctor called in the womanβs brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.
When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said βOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?β The doctors replied βWell, the girlβs name is Denise!β βOh, thatβs not so bad! And the boy?β βDenephewβ
Me: Is it contagious?
Doctor: Is what contagious?
They taught me periscoping techniques.
He ALAMO'st forgot.
I said, βMark, my words!β
Or at least that what page 137 figure II part B of my middle school science textbook said.
It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.
"That means a lot."
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorβs love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevorsβs degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevorβs front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnβt keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
βWellβ said Jeff, βAs Iβm sure you know the convention comes to town laterβ.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
βYes of courseβ replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit β‘I honestly canβt remember a single time Iβve ever forgotten anything.
I handed her the dictionary.
I told her it was important to do self checks for the loss of smell in the time of the pandemic.
Mostly because it would apply to a wide audience.
But she couldn't put it pasture.
The Nile.
Thatβs nonsense,next thing theyβll say is that weed causes memory loss
The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."
The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.
"How??" Demands the first one.
"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."
"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.
"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"
His next trip outside could spell disaster
Oh and by the way, did I mention that I also have short term memory loss?
But I just couldn't get the message across.
Edit: I wish I knew more about networking so I could understand all these jokes.
Fat chants!
But I can't remember it
I forgot the punchline.
I feel like there should be a pun for what the dog tooth fairy brings, but i'm at a loss. anyone have any good puns?
Called own the lbs
Ubisoft
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Itβs o-fish-al
So I saw this crazy salesman trying to convince every passer-by that you can lose weight just by repeating a special series of weight loss mantras every day.
"Fat chance!" I called out, rolling my eyes.
"EXACTLY!!!" he replied.
You'll have nothing to gain.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.
I hope it doesn't run in the family, as my dad has it.
It's tearable news
Are Nectarines Alo-peaches?
I hope this is the right sub.... I'll never forget the day we lost my grandmother. It was a deeply difficult time. But it turns out she had just slipped between the couch cushions.
Itβs not a mane problem for them.
My girlfriend left me because I have Alopecia.......
Nevermind, Hair loss
I forgot
He replied no, now I'm afternooning her loss.
What do they call the best salesman at a funeral home?
The Top Urner
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
but a string of words in sign-language is a deaf sentence.
Edit: please don't thank me, just pay it forward.
They say the business is toast.
I couldn't find my voice, I stuttered, " I, I-i, IβI, I'L" I was at a loss for words
...all the pages fell out...
Ent-trophy.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
It's a dyet.
His loss has been a real birden
All you have to do is eat the doughnut whole
...you made my day bad.
I hope bad things happen to you.
You're a bad person.
I'm not bothered, it's hair loss.
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
It was the clearest loss i've ever seen
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
I found out yesterday that I have nerve damage in my right ear, and have lost a substantial amount of my hearing in that ear. I was discussing it with my father over lunch when I told him "Well, its a shame that now I can't hear RIGHT!"
I was probably more proud of myself than I should have been.
Seriously though, terrible loss.
"I just eat everything I see."
God damn it, Dad.
Itβs his worst fear - hare loss.
So my students would call me Miss Conception
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:
No Offense, Nun Taken
I think I have short term meme-ory loss
Dad: "Well, now that you've started your diet, I guess we'll be seeing a lot less of you!"
H2hoe
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
...it was awful.
GF: Gonna make nuggets for dinner can you preheat the oven for me?
Me: Sure what temp?
GF: Whatever the nuggets say.
Me: Holding the bag of frozen nuggets to my ear for a moment. Babe they aren't saying anything. I think they might be dead.
GF: I'm leaving you.
My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.
Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.
Me: Meh, I don't like it.
Dad: You don't like the Audi?
Me: Nope.
Dad: Get out.
Me: You want me to get Audi your car?
Dad: ΰ² _ΰ²
The groan he emitted was magnificent.
Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!
He goes up to the widow and says, βIβm so sorry for your loss, may I say a word?β
The widow says, βYes, go aheadβ
The man goes up to the stand and says, βPlethoraβ
The widow then says, βThank you, that means a lotβ
She said no.
her loss itβs a nice shower.
He said to his sons βYou two take the north and south side propertiesβ . And to his daughters he said β you two can have the downtown and riverfront propertiesβ. He then suddenly died. The nurse said to the children βIβm so sorry for your loss, I had no idea your father was such a wealthy man!β His son said βwealthy?! Thatβs his paper route!β
They both sit and start chatting
Son : how was your doctors appointment?
Dad: good!the doctor gave me different medication for my memory loss
Son : oh really ? What are the name of the pills?
Dad : ( struggling to remember ) oohh...uhhh.... something to do with flowers but I canβt remember
Son: tulips ?
Dad: no , theyβre very popular and everyone loves them .
Son : daisies?
Dad : no! They are bright red and romantic
Son : rose ?
Dad: YES. He loudly yells ROSE, WHAT ARE THE PILLS CALLED THAT THE DOCTOR GAVE ME?
But I forgot it.
But then I forgot what it was.
A trophy
Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read:
No Offense, Nun Taken
