Losing Weight Puns

But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!

Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!

But when morning came I had to break fast

I've won a Nobellly Prize.

Every hole's a goal

I thought they wanted me to be well rounded

He'd hit a Plato.

And I said "ya and Iraq and Syria too. Stress can definitely make you lose weight"

She wasn't impressed.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

He goes on a DIE-et!

Too many cowlories.

But I always end up skipping it.

last week I jumped in the air and got stuck.

It got its appendix removed.

but it keeps finding me

He becomes a lifter.

It made bud light

Hey switched to a byte sized diet.

I lost 10 pounds

They said “It’s the keto my success!”

You must get struck by lightening.

Because they watch what they eat.

Should win the Nobelly Prize.

You can always get thinner there.

It was a wife-altering decision.

"Yes. Help me find it!"

You'd lose a skeleTON!

Cut off your head!

Bonus: my mom hates it when my dad tells this joke.

Dad: You are starting to gain weight. You need to need to start exercising.

Mom: Well where is the treadmill we used to own?

Dad: It went for a walk.

Dad: You know, I might start doing bodybuilding

Me: Yeah?

Dad: Yeah! Do you know where I can buy the parts?

How do you expect me to lose weight, when all the pills you prescribe me, must be taken with food?

That it's impossible to lose weight by simply eating green grass and salads, and walking.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

But it keeps catching up to me.

I lost 10 pounds.

But it always finds me

It made bud light.

but weight keeps trying to find me

He was taking steps to lose weight