I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
There were no stools.
I dunno, maybe I'm just seeing Things
He was just Czeching
so I shaved my head and got tattoos. I still can’t find him!
Because you will find these hill areas.
I'm tired of being taken for granite
The chemistry teacher looked down at the chalk and then back at the math teacher and said, "that's a salt."
"Sir, that's a mirror."
Book, book, book, book, book
Because all last night I was subjected to her tutelage.
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
It was jarring.
Between you and me, something smells.
I'm planning to dedicate the hole day to it.
This is, in fact, a mom joke: my dad just sent an email to our family about National Donut Day, and this is what my 77-year-old mother replied!
Today I learned what a group of pandas is called . Now if I could only figure out why my dad always called me that I could make him proud.
But it's up there.
He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. A moment later, the voice says, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. He believes the voice is gone, when he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
The bartender says “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary”.
Because he was a ruler!
We see a flock of geese flying in a “V” formation and my dad asks, “Do you know why when geese fly in a ‘V’ it’s never even, there’s always more on one side of the ‘V’ than the other?”
Intrigued, I ask, “Why?”
He says, “Because they always fly in odd numbers..”
True story: the wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? Nothing. So I am posting here in the hopes that my genius will be appreciated. Keep getting those dad jokes in the wild, folks.
I asked them "Are you alright?" The groom answers: We're just trying to get our bear rings.
I've got to say I feel I have officially become at one with dad jokes. I have 5 kids, had to take one to hospital today for blood tests. Sat in the waiting room a nurse walks out and looks at me and the wife and says "are you here for the incontinence team" my wife says no, and the nurse turns and starts to walk away, at which point the spirit of the dad jokes takes over and I shout "ooooh....I am now" The nurse turns around and says"you are?" And my wife starts apologising for my bad humour. This is only a week after we were at the till and the cashier asked if I'd like a bag for life, to which I responded "no thanks love, I'm not ready for that sort of commitment yet" My wife really hates taking me out in public.
The Captain’s Log.
I said in that case I’ll convert.
Without any hesitation, the homeless man pounces into the water to save him. After doing CPR on the well dressed man he coughs the water from his lungs, the business man gratefully thanks the homeless man.
The business man says "Is there anything I can do for you? Money is something not out of the question."
The homeless man responds "I'd honestly just be grateful for a job, sir."
So the business man nods "That is something I can definitely help you out with, have you ever had an opportunity to work on a cruise ship?"
A few days later, the homeless man is hooked up with working a job as a janitor for the night shift. The captain of the ship tells the homeless "We just need you working night shift, and since this is a provide entertainment for higher classed individuals, we can't have you wondering around during the day. On the off hand you're pleased to do whatever you please after your shift." The homeless man then nods understanding the situation.
Later during that night the captain is casual watching over the homeless man in his free time, and he's absolutely baffled by this dive he's witnessed. He rushes down to him and explains
"Do you have any idea how insane that dive was?"
The man just mutters to the captain "No? It's was just a simple dive, right?"
The captain examines "In my entire life I have never seen some dive without making a simple SPLASH! There has never been a human alive to this date that was able to accomplish what you just did!"
The man is taken aback for a second and says "So what are you saying to me?"
The captain rambles on more "I'll make a deal with you, every night we're going to take the diving board up, and we're going to put on a show for every single passenger."
So every night they're training, taking the diving board higher and higher, and every singletime he hit the water there isnt a single splash. Then the day finally came and all the passengers flood around the boat to see the dive. So the man approaches the ladder and he just starts climbing and climbing. He climbed till he couldn't see the boat anymore, and he climbed till he could see curvature of the Earth.
And finally he jumps. He's just falling and falling till he passed the clouds then can finally see the boat. His formation falls into perfection. He finally hits the pool and like ever other night there wasn't singular splash. But he keeps going and smashes through the ENTIRE ship. So the man swims around to the side of the sinking ship.
The captain
... keep reading on reddit ➡Picture myself and sister as young kids running around my grandparents house. My sister stubs her toe and begins to cry. My grandfather approaches and says “come here let me take a look at it” My sister crawls over, trying to calm down. “Oh man, you’ve really done it this time. Looks like we’re gonna have to call a … toe truck” Cue raging screams from my sister. Still makes me smile to this day
As he got closer, it became clear that the sign was attached to a beehive.
He moved closer still, and discovered that it was an active hive, and there were a ton of bees flying in and out of it. But the sign was still too small to read.
He slowed down his approach. So slow, that it was hard to tell if he was moving at all. Finally, when his unstung face was about a foot away from the hive, he could read the sign. And it said…
"Comb Sweet Comb"
I’ve said it before
Without skipping a beat, my sibling said 'It's not a lot, it's just one'
Apparently there's nun.
Because he wasn't a chicken.
You could say it's delighted.
"Guys, that's our last resort."
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
... keep reading on reddit ➡They keep their friends close and their anemones closer
I guess I'll just have to look even father
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ..
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
I can’t find the punchline.
I can see Claire Lee now, Lorraine has gone...
