A hematophagous Arachnid Acari showed up wearing sturdy leather leggings with a belt.

Questioned by his friend why he was dressed like that he responded "Im a Chaps-tick"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NetScr1be
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Whenever I wear leggings,

my dad mocks me by saying, "I loves my new stretch pants. But when I farts, I blows my tennis shoes off."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/netfilx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
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I asked my dad if I could borrow the car

He threw my shoes at me and said the ol' Chevrolegs will get you there.

(Does anyone know more of these shoe/leg puns?)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on your front porch?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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I was engaged to a girl once with a wooden leg

But I had to break it off

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpahpa256
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bootlebat
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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My friend broke his leg, so I wrote, "You're stupid " on his cast.

I was adding insult to injury

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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Did you hear about the guy with five legs?

His pants fit like a glove.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kissthekooks
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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I once dated a girl missing 1 leg, it didn't work out though...

I'm lack toes intolerant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveM06
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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A pirate walks in a bar with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch

The bar tender says β€œwow how’d you get that peg leg?” The pirate says one day I was out sailing and a shark jumped aboard and tore it clean off” next the bartender asks β€œand the hook? How’d you get that?” The pirate responds β€œwell we were out whaling and one leapt out of the water and bit my hand clean off” the bartender then asks, β€œok so what about the eyepatch??” The pirate responds β€œI was out walking on the deck of my ship when I looked up and a seagull shit right in my eye” the bartender is a bit confused and says β€œthat made you lose your eye?” β€œNo” says the pirate β€œit was my first day with the hook!”

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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I wanted to get tickets to a comedy club until I found out they cost an arm and a leg.

When I found out why I’m glad I didn’t go - the show wasn’t that humerus and the staff was short handed.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fladavpam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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A coworker of mine spilled boiling hot coffee on my leg and had the nerve to ask where it hurts

I said decaf.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhhokanything
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in a pool of blood?

An ambulance.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happy_Each_Day
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a two legged cow?

Lean beef.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfdx74
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to breed 3-legged horses

I kept them in the unstable

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyOnABison
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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What do you call a dog without legs?

It doesn't matter what you call it, he's not coming.

πŸ‘︎ 335
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimSk8r
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I manage to cut off my enemies leg during a sword fight

The enemy: aww, you de-feeted me

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pzwang4
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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I recently met a man with one leg named John.

He never told me the name of his other leg.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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What is grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf...

I just added the cement to make it hard.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs?

A rookie!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyOnABison
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
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No arms no legs

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs .....at your front door? Matt

...in your swimming pool? Bob

....in your mailbox? Bill

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who is popular with the boys? Hedy

What do you call a woman with no arms and 1 leg? Eileen

What do you call a Chinese woman with no arms and 1 leg? Irene

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaterBoarder1969
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Archaeologists gathered to find the leg bones of ancient men

It was a real shindig

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy-Stoofa
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I just fell fell out of a window and broke my leg

It’s not going tibia ok for a while

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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A three-legged dog walks into a bar...

He looks at the bartender and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoogeMuffin
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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I got bit by a Japanese mosquito on the leg, now I got a Japanese one and two

Itchy knee

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

And a cow that plays with himself?

Beef stroganoff

Edited (h/t Hour_Radio1328 & logixdude)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
have you heard of the guy who broke his legs on purpose?

total legend

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NearDead-Star
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Why don't the Chinese understand the human leg?

Because they constantly ask "Knee-How?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanya_124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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A physician broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Luckily he still made the cast.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What has six legs and feathers?

the Three Musketeers!

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChangeNew389
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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What do you call a world class athlete who injuries their leg?

An O-limp-ian

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrusaderTbone
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

If they lifted up the other one, they’d fall over.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B1RDS-ARENT-REAL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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My hand slipped off the handle of the casket while carrying it to the hearse and left a deep bruise on my leg.

I was appalled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What has four legs and goes β€œoom, oom”?

A cow walking backwards

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Tried stealing a leg of lamb from the store

A staff asked me what I am doing with that. I replied, "Roasted with potatoes, vegetables and a lamb sauce would be great."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I once dated a girl with a wooden leg.

But then I broke it off.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Spanish donkey with no legs??

Grasias...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HazyDayZ420
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do you find a cow with no legs ?

Exactly where you left it.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dog that can do magic?

Labracadabrador

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Music puns sometimes hit the high notes
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/589ca35e1590b
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My mate broke his leg, so I wrote "You are stupid" on his cast.

I was just adding insult to injury.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kassinboots
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, it's not coming.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleetus12
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nogudyousirnaym
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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I was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg once...

....sadly, she broke it off."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms or legs?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Simp_For_WAHHH
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do you find a dog without legs?

Right where you left him.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssr0203
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report

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