“...don’t go with anything.”
My dad never makes “dad jokes” but, he actually said this yesterday and I’m so proud.
"I killed these ten Dons..."
This condition is caused by inflammation of the plantar fascia along the bottom of your foot, and it can cause pretty intense heel pain.
After I got home from work last night I tried to soak my foot in some hot water. My wife saw me and said, "That isn't going to work..."
I said, "Hey! I am allowed to have my ache and heat it, too!"
She just stared at me for a moment, shook her head, and walked out of the room...
She’s reached new heights
I call it drag racing.
...and since I directly fell in love with them, I had to send a photo of me wearing them to some friends and somehow also my to dad.
I got responses like "You look hot" or "So sexy!".
My dad's response: "You must be so tall wearing them. I guess I know who's getting a helmet for christmas!"
Her: "she's too young for heels, like where's she going to wear them?" Me: "on her feet"
Dairy Queen...
A shoe horn
Me: are you stomping?
Her: no, my shoes are hollow so they make a lot of noise.
Me: all shoes are hollow, IT'S HOW WE GET OUR FEET IN!
Her: <rolls eyes>
I was wearing high heels, which is unusual for me, and talking with two friends when I said, "Hey [Friend 1], I'm almost taller than you!" (I'm a shorty, 5'2")
Friend 2, "Nah Brunchy you still have a lot to go"
Me, "Well then these heels are pointless."
Friend 1, "Yeah they have a rounded front."
She's going to be a fantastic dad one day.
Don't often think about my feet. They are usually the furthest thing from my mind.
A shoe.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Did you hear about the shoemaker? He was heeling from a broken heart when he ran into his solemate! They started off on the wrong foot, but they really are a perfect pair!
Me, playing darts: Ah, that's a prime target
My friend: What?
Me: *throws dart* heel yeah, 13 pts!
It’s almost all heeled
Then she told me to take off her heels and bra, then she told me to take her panties off. And then she told me to stop wearing her clothes
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
I still can't believe the guy in high heels won.
Thankfully there were no soles lost.
I tell them: it’s in my sole
She said, "what the heel!"
They were sole mates
That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
He said it could be months until it heels.
I'll reboot you
I was head over heels...
It was his Achilles heel.
... because they take so long to heel.
My girlfriend just walked out on me and on now my injuries won’t heel
It was sole destroying.
...is my Achille’s knee.
He only knows how to heel
Really? I have feet in mine.
No dad! It really hurts.
That's called agony of defeat.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡It is my Achilles heel.
When behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER
FASTER
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him.
However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
Clapity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him
A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and...
The coffin stops.
I was head over heels
It heels.
