so she wrote down everything
Because they're naughty-cal
I call it the flip charts.
It’s for a discord bot I’m going to put in a server full of people who could use some dad jokes
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
I thought to myself, "Boy this looks like a real recipe for disaster!"
Me: “Chamorro? It’s Chursday.”
An absolute cracker
He was named Justin Case.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He broug... keep reading on reddit ➡
So far for States I have: Catifornia North and South Catolina Oklahomeow Oregato Furorida Mew York, Jersey, Hampshire, Mexico Connectikitty
For cities I have: Mew York Kitty Felinedelphia San Digato Mewmphis Chigato San Furanciso Indianapawlis Clawmbus
It's a legend.
The date you wrote the bucket list.
Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)
We really need a faster wife-eye provider.
######Me: [looking thru the grocery bags] I definitely got it
Wife: don't you dare
Me: it must've evaporated
Lettuce know if you have any
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
(In chronological order)
2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
Amelia Bedelia looked over the list. "Okey-dokey!" Said Amelia Bedelia.
When Mr. Rogers came home, he saw Amelia Bedelia stuffing sawdust into his secret marijuana stash.
Mr. Rogers was furious. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, AMELIA BEDELIA?!"
"You said to cut the grass."
"Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.
She said: "You never list ten to me."
Car washing bucket
Nest of buckets
I don't know why since now I can't read what it says…
Me: You got the goods?
Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.
Me: My, what a steel!
Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?
Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.
Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?
Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--
Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?
Student: I got I got I got I got...
Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.
Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.
Me: Which other places?
Friend: The Galactic Empire.
Guy: I hate spam.
Me: I like sushi.
Me: I like sushi.
Me: I like sushi.
Someone: Son of a gun...
Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!
Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:
Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which... keep reading on reddit ➡
[from NPR-- this sub doesn't allow link posts]
The annual turkey pardon is a silly tradition, and President Obama knows it. On Wednesday, before pardoning turkeys named Tater and Tot, Obama summed up his feelings about this particular duty.
"It is my great privilege — well, it's my privilege — actually, let's just say it's my job to grant them clemency this afternoon," Obama said.
Not in attendance for the president's final turkey pardoning ceremony were first daughters Sasha and Malia Obama, who gamely laughed alongside their father last year. So instead, the president's nephews Austin and Aaron Robinson stood by for what Obama called his "corny-copia of dad jokes about turkeys."
And thus began a pun-fest for the ages. Here's a list of President Obama's groaners from this year's pardoning ceremony:
"Actually [Sasha and Malia] just couldn't take my jokes anymore. They were fed up."
"What I haven't told them yet is we are going to do this every year from now on. No cameras, just u... keep reading on reddit ➡
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh
What do you call bears with no ears? b
What do you call a human with no hum? someone who isn't annoying
what do you call a dear with no eyes? no eye dear
Why does Johannesburg have no vampires? Because the rain is blessed in Africa
Why did the storm trooper buy an Iphone? because he couldn't find a good droid
Did you hear about the kidnapping? It's ok, he woke up
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I said “no way can we do all of that in 30 seconds”
No rush, no Rush.
It's my Czech-list
Which is no small feet
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
To do To do To do To do To do To to to to dooooooo
No pun in ten did.
Mine is just a pail in comparison.
The pedo files
Now that I have met Juan, I have met them all
It's a kind of magic.
Mine is a little pail in comparison.
Doctor: wow. Looks very organized!
It’s good exercise for the colon.
Her: So how are we doing with Toilet Paper?
Me: I've been practicing for 30 years, i think i got a good technique going.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians in America first? They... keep reading on reddit ➡
So at work recently theres this vegan burger called the impossible burger. when we pack them up we have to label the number of burgers and the name of them. Typically I wouldn't mess with that stuff since it might throw off the person restocking but the containers they put it all in makes it all quite apparent which ones are which burger. Anywho I began making puns on the labels starting with "kim-possible burger" and I wanted to see what you all could come up with. (I also did the small pee-pee burger but that wasn't really a pun). Anyways plz comment what you can think of that would be a pretty cool pun for the list and I will compile it all together. Thanks and regards, Thomas
Now my phone is Hans free.
Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.
50 shades of grain
Uno is number one
obviously you can't kill one, but you also can't relocate one from where it's living, cause an eagle nest to come to any harm, and the oddest part, as i'm not sure how they'd even track this, is there's even a bit in the law about infecting them with any communicable diseases?
but i suppose there's really no way around that being ill eagle
A Heath Ledger.
Shoebaru , Subaru Mitsufeetshi , Mitsubishi Legsus, lexus Merceknees bends, Mercedes Benz.
Bloody Mary, Bulgogi
Corned beef, Crab Salad, Clams, Creamcicle
Pigs in Blanket, Pot Stickers, Pulled Pork
Spotted dick, Stuffed Peppers
Tuna Melt, Twizzlers
I was really surprised that "scream for help" was nowhere in there.
Did you hear about that black hole? Nvm. It doesn't matter anyway
This is a pretty OAKay sentence, it may need some SPRUCEing up tho. Dang I need to start branching out with this stuff
I need a really long list!plz
But mine is a little pail into comparison.