My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 357
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sm-aug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks β€œWhat are you counting?”

And the guy says β€œhow many tattoos I have now”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deepsea333
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs

Number 3 will shock you

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Top Dad Jokes list, some of the best ones:

One, ein, un, bat, ekab, moja, wahed, odin, yski

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ice-_-Bear
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a five year old's to do list?

A playlist.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/heyadoraX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweepi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Santa organize his list?

He puts it in elf-abetical order.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorMasterBates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a list of puns/bad jokes for every U.S. President reddit.com/gallery/jw48pr
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThackerOpinions
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.

Now I can't read it.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so it’s Schindler’s Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindler’s List? My head is spinning
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackaldo7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did some tasks on the wife’s β€œto do” list;

Wife: (being sweet) thank you! What am I ever gonna do without you?

Me: Everything! Without me, you’re gonna have to do everything on that list.

Wife: groans and rolls eyes

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dasherjim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
"Cowbells rinnnng; are ya list'nin..."

-excerpt from my upcoming song "Walken in a Winter Wonderland"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I went shopping for my son’s back to school clothes. We went over the list when I got back home.

Shirts? Yup. Pants? Yup. Sweatpants? Yup. Nikes? CHECK!

Edit: Grammar

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WavesNVibrations
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Teacher : β€œCan you list the 10 Commandments in any order”

Johnny: β€œ3, 5, 6, 1, 8, 9, 2, 4, 10 and 7”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine was in the band mood but I had a list of 10 puns to try to cheer him up.

But No pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterDragonIron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.

I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iambaney
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Painting my ceiling isn't exactly #1 on my priority list.

But it's up there.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just pail in comparison.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list

so she wrote down everything

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klaymens
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I can list every single number that's in Pi.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OvertCinnamon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
(Not a Dad Joke) I need a good list of the best dad jokes you guys have

It’s for a discord bot I’m going to put in a server full of people who could use some dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Defineoutdoors
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
People in the Navy must be on Santa's OTHER list

Because they're naughty-cal

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
So I made this list of people ranked by their interest in paper based drawing boards.

I call it the flip charts.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrowningStructure
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
All my friends have really expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I came across a list of ingredients to make plastic explosives.

I thought to myself, "Boy this looks like a real recipe for disaster!"

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
  1. great

  2. great

  3. great

  4. great

  5. great

  6. great

  7. great

  8. great

  9. great

  10. An absolute cracker

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
There couldn't be a tier list for knots because they would all be tied
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A long list
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ravasha1
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A List of My Favorite Dad Jokes
  1. My
  2. Favorite
  3. Dad
  4. Jokes
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasAllenSimms
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Literally just happened: Wife completing our 2020 census reading off list of ethnicities. β€œWait... what is... Chamorro?”

Me: β€œChamorro? It’s Chursday.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nickfree
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
To-Do List
πŸ‘︎ 124
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trinerr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
[Pun request] Need a List of Cat Puns For US Cities and States

So far for States I have: Catifornia North and South Catolina Oklahomeow Oregato Furorida Mew York, Jersey, Hampshire, Mexico Connectikitty ​

For cities I have: Mew York Kitty Felinedelphia San Digato Mewmphis Chigato San Furanciso Indianapawlis Clawmbus​

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/namtag24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My bucket list
  1. Set myself more goals.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A hand-y list.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/babydoll_bd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He broug

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Nurse: Okay doc, here's the list of heart and kidney donors in alphabetical order

Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/that-rad-kid
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 276
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I once put a list of symbols on a map and everyone still talks about it.

It's a legend.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just working on my bucket list
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toku-Nation
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die" and I was quite surprised that...

"Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..

But now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List

Now I can't read any of it

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesiePig22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

But mine is a little pail into comparison.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.