A Roman man walks into a bar and extends his index and middle fingers and says...

"I'll have 5 beers please"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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you know... i’ve always hated my middle and index finger...

but i’m okay now, i’ve made peace with them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RollyPollyOli
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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I just accidentally super-glued my thumb and index finger together!! At first, I started to panic, but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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You know, I’ve never really liked my middle finger or my index finger

It’s okay though, I’ve made peace with them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gods-fav-failure
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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I just checked my body mass index. It says I'm a beast

Oh wait. I'm obese

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What is the name of the most famous stock index in the world?

Down Jones

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dashee87
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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UV Index is "Too Low"?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PokemonGollum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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More and more people are sticking cheese on the tips of their fingers. Jane, who puts Camembert on her index finger, is a casein point.
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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My friend told me this long story on how he lost the tip of his index finger in an accident.

It was a bit pointless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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I use my index finger as a rule of thumb.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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*holds up index finger*

Dad: What do you see?

Me: A finger

Dad: Good, then I've hid well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shurdi3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aakshaj
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Need Help Identifying a Dad Joke

When going through some of my deceased father's things, I found a card that says "Gold Mouse Story" and "Do you have a little gold Mexican?". This is sort of a shorthand he used to jot down jokes on index cards - a short description and the punchline.

I have no idea what this might refer to so I am asking here. Does this sound familiar? I apologize in advance if it turns out to be racist!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fleurreddit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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As a programmer, waking up is the 0th thing I do every morning
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nh-278
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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there's literally three sets of twins in my math class.

guess this year is gonna be their year- its twinny twinny after all.

*twinny twinny sounds like twenty twenty (2020)*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/downtothechateau
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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What starts with an E and ends with an E, but often only has one letter?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sacca7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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Why don't cows wear flip flops?

They lactose.

Edit test.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/derawin07
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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β€œWhat day is today, Adam?”

β€œFor the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve.”

Edit: Thanks for so much love. Merry Xmas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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Best Golf Pun contest has started

Our Golf Pun contest is starting tonight at 5PM EST. It's free to enter. Winner gets $150 Amazon eGift Card .........

Please invite all the punsters you'd like .......... https://golfpuns.com/index.php

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πŸ‘€︎ u/golfpuns
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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True story: We we’re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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A struggling young news reporter was having trouble getting good sound bites from the politicians she was sent out to interview, so she invited an experienced colleague out to dinner to ask for advice.

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the g

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/podgress
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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[REQUEST] Star Wars Bird Puns

Working on a little something. Give me your best and I will include you in the credits.

So far I only have: Coo Skywalker

Edit: thanks for all the replies! I will post game here soon, and pm those whose puns I end up using.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wickjest
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
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Boy wants a car from his Dad

Boy wants a car from his dad
Dad says, "First you got to cut that hair"
Boy says, "Hey dad, Jesus had long hair"
And dad says, "That's right son, Jesus walked everywhere"

(From "The Frontier Index" by The Silver Jews)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rileyk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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What kind of light bulbs do they use in Machu Picchu?

Incandescent.

Edit: Sorry you guys got downvoted to oblivion for loling.
This sub isn't listed as being for or against dogecoin tips, so here are some to make up for the downvotes. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLobstrosity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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I was polled: β€œWhen counting to five on your fingers, where do you start?”

Me: β€œOne”

(He was interested in thumb, or index finger. Apparently he had a write-in for pinky. Weird)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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The apple asked the orange if he knew Chinese.

The orange said, "no, but I can speak mandarin."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirROFLot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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Haven't seen this one here yet...

When I was 6-7, my dad would touch his thumb and index finger together in a circle and ask "can you poke your head through this hole?" I would honestly try to figure out a way to fit my head through the circle, or, at least how he managed to do it.

When I gave up, he'd put the circle up to his forehead and poke himself with his other hand's index finger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozenminutes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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The first luxury hotel in space has been announced

I hear the service is going to be out of this world.

https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/aurora-station-luxury-space-hotel/index.html

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maerdnacirema
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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Trial by Ordeal

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=3473

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drafterman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Calvin's Father is my role model

I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose.

It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTigerFan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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Sign Language dadjoke! (is this a first?)

So my wife is learning sign language in college and will come home excited about all the stuff she has learned and will try to teach me. The only thing I've retained so far is yes and no. So when I ask her something that she wants to say no to, she'll sign it (thumb, index, and middle finger spread out, and then closing, like squishing a bug). I'll reply to this with just the opposite, opening those three fingers. That is not the correct sign for yes, the correct sign is like knocking on a door. Well when she does that to correct me, I yell "Who's there?!"

She's going to divorce, I just know it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/my_name_is_Camp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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How to do the stud finder joke - a step by step guide (may not work for all models of stud finder)

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsgunn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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Came across this web-comic that was too good not to share.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMS_Jonesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2015
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Today's SMBC: "So I said 2 gongs don't make a right..."

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3959

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atticusalien
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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DadJoke comic by the great Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirtyseven1337
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
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She set me up perfectly...

While chewing something particularly chewy I thought of something I needed to ask my wife. The following conversation ensued:

Me: Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?

Wife: What the hell did you just say?

Me: Muffled sigh Chewing Chewing Chewing Hold up index finger to indicate almost done Chewing I said, 'Drrd ooo rmmbrr oo ak oww drr trrsh?'

Wife: Loses will to live.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
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The "Philogelos" is a collection of ancient Roman dad jokes

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

  • A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

  • When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

  • A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

  • A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intell

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AttalusPius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2016
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Had an appendectomy yesterday

Uncle asked me if I would still have my table of contents and index.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aggiegecko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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The consequences of the earnest appreciation of dad jokes

http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3959

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irpah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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My dad loves it when people yawn...

He sticks his index finger right in their mouth and pulls out before they finish.

It makes little kids and grown-ups alike laugh. He still gets me from time to time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmConquistador
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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Smbc Comic

http://smbc-comics.com/index.php?id=3473

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rainfawkes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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Dad joke made during a band performance.

My band had a performance yesterday. We have three saxophone players. One of plays only Alto saxophone, one of them alternates between playing Alto, Tenor and Baritone saxophone and the last plays both Tenor and Baritone saxophone.

The second two kept swapping each other's instruments or one of the other saxophones they had in the background. So at one point we had to wait for them to change while the rest of us were all ready to start playing the next song.

So, trying to make it less awkward for the audience I turn to them and I says 'I'm sorry, they're just playing ... Musical Instruments'

There was a collective groan/laugh from the audience and the drummer went ba-dum-tish And the trumpeter gave me a little wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm still giggling about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gonnnondorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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Simon Says

I came home from work and my 3 and 4 year old kids told me they learned how to play Simon Says. I thought a test was in order.

Me: "Simon Says, clap your hands!"

Kids: [clap clap clap]

Me: "Simon Says, touch your nose!"

Kids: [touch their nose]

Me: "Simon Says, lick your finger!"

Kids: [lick their index finger]

Me: "Put your finger in your ear!"

Kids: [put their index fingers in their ears]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boyfly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2014
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I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together, and at first I started to panic…

But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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I just accidentally superglued my thumb & index finger together, and at first I started to panic...

but then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inquisitor1965
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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