Doc, it hurts when I poke myself on the shoulder and when I poke myself on the forehead and when I poke myself in the thigh.

Doc: Your finger is broken.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Bought these new pants that scratched up the top of my thighs.

They were made from burlap.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redsteelgonnawin
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Whenever a book publisher refuses to accept my hand-delivered unsolicited autobiography, I usually just squeeze it as hard as I can with my thighs...

so that it's easier to walk away with my tale between my legs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked a few cannibals where they got their thighs

One of them said "Thailand"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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a wise man once said "thick thighs saves lives"

https://preview.redd.it/m5ilmigjv4v51.png?width=640&format=png&auto=webp&s=ce48ec5cbcddbacbbaf121aed97c0585e6467cda

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drakenozzypage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh. /r/Jokes/comments/fu4m13/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kookykau
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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Thic thigh
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haxacolipse
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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When you're just swimming by, and an eel bites your thigh, that's

a moray.

(I sang this to my kids when they were young.)

(They're in their 20s now, which I consider young.)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
At my job as a paleontologist, I was searching for the thigh bone of a Neanderthal.

I thought I had found it, but it was a fossil arm. Then upon searching the site further, I found a petrified sausage. It was the missing link.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My mom accidentally kneed my step-dad in his thigh.

She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.

He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.

-_-

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
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What did the chicken thigh say to the chicken leg?

Actually, sorry. I can't repeat it. It was far too dark.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxSaint_JimmyxX
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs

I guess I'll just wing it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wawoodworth
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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If they make ham from pig thigh, what do they make from the rest of the leg?

bologna

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaquarius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Do you know why black guys like thick thighs?

They hate apart thighs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/licktapus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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Screw thigh gaps, I want some Spacey between my thighs...
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/z033
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2014
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My Dad said he wanted to make a fraternity, asked him what he'd call it: "Felta Thigh Delta, or Tappa Kegga Beera"
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalcyonEyes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2015
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My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate_hawwk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I own disney

DisKnee, disLeg, disToe, disThigh and disAnkle

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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If I could be in any fraternity it’d be

I felta thigh

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EJFP
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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When a chicken's egg is being layed, I wonder...

Does it have a bird's thigh view?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Risky Dad Joke: My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...

So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EricTheReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
🚨︎ report
A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say β€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say β€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say β€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I've had a lispth my entire life. Plusth I can't remember the name of the upper musthcle of the leg.

Thigh...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the paraplegic pilot?

Yeah he's Wheely good at flying.

Thigh slaps

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNotAFuckingPedo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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TIL, Plato never had sex...

all his relationships were platonic.

πŸ‘︎ 301
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksdesh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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I went to a seafood party last night

I had so much fun I pulled a muscle

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattpudzilla
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I spend too much time obsessing over my wife's hips

What a waist

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED

API - Clearwater Florida - Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition. Luella has been charged with one count of a misdewiener.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrabbieMike
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
What is the favorite cuisine of a cannibal?

Thigh Food

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I was looking into my neighbor's yard when my brain started channeling Rick Springfield.
Jessie is a friend,
Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
It ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a grill and I want to make it mine

And he's grilling chicken thighs,
And he's smokin' racks of ribs, I just know it!
And he's holding pool parties late, late at night...

You know I wish that I had Jessie's grill...
I wish that I had Jessie's grill...

Where can I find a burger like that?
πŸ‘︎ 213
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
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Staying dry

While visiting my school program for a multi-night trip, teachers asked how we would keep students dry in the rain. I talked about our classrooms and other indoor areas, and said they can easily make time to change clothes midday.

"I like to have my students change socks at lunch, hang them to dry, and then use them again the next morning. The socks still get worn 24 hours, but they have morning and afternoon socks."

One teacher got excited and agreed, pointed at her thigh, and said "These are my day jeans!"

I slowly looked around the room, making eye contact with all the teachers. "Does that make you a-" pause for effect "-day jean believer?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mt_n_man
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Colonel Sanders cross the road?

To get to other other thighs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
The fast-food chicken place down the block is having a Hillary Clinton special - 5-piece meal for $5...

...two small breasts, two large thighs, and a left wing.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kempff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2015
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One day I was driving while eating goldfish crackers

And as I was driving, I accidentally dropped a cracker into my lap. Without even thinking I said, "Darn it, I knew these were going to go straight to my thighs!"

πŸ‘︎ 103
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juco818
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2015
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Doing yoga with the fiancΓ©...

and I've done a bit of research so I was describing how to begin:

I said, "sit in a comfortable position, pay attention to breathing. Relax your calves, then your thighs, then your feet..."

She said, "hold on, shouldn't we start with feet first then move up to calves, then thighs and so on? Why are you starting with calves?"

I said, "we start with the calves because they're sacred in India."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TapTapBam
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2017
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Man dad-joked newspaper

Source - Pic Abridged version:

A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off.

Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.

"After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.

"It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose."

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retro21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Sneeze.

Whenever I say a complicated sounding word my Dad, about 90% percent of the time, replies with "Bless you!". Usually followed with laughter to himself and a slap on the thigh.

Anyone else?

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fruzz92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2013
🚨︎ report
My father is a goldmine of 'dad-jokes' here's a taster.

My mum and dad had separated by this point and he was picking me up from the town centre where I was with a girl I was seeing, named Jenni. After introducing herself my father paused for a second, let out a slight smirk and replied "What, from the block?" slapped his thigh and let out a hearty dad-chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfernusConsurget
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
🚨︎ report
I got my wife but good with this one.

We got fried chicken take-out tonight, when:

Wife: Are thighs white or dark meat?

Me: Dark.

Wife: Then what's the other white meat?

Me: Pork.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Olivia_DAHLING
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Didn't see that one coming...

Dad: Did I tell you about the holiday party I went to last week?

Me: No...

Dad: I met a woman with a Merry Christmas tattoo on one thigh, and a Happy New Year tattoo on the other. She said that everyone was welcome to come up between the holidays.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrtitkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Never talk about the Greek system around my dad...

He will always chime in "When I was in college, the big fraternity on campus was 'I felt a thigh.'"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Housman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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Recurring Grandad joke

I only got to see my grandpa on my mom's side about once a year usually growing up, but there was always one common factor of each visit.

At some point during the catching up conversations, Pa (what we called him) would get a real dejected look on his face. Then he'd face my mom:

"Oh Vicky... guess who died?"-Pa

"Oh no... Who?"-Mom

"Elvis." -Pa

He'd then giggle, finger fun, and slap his thigh. Every. Single. Year.

I have a feeling he used that one for the better part of 40 years.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krerickson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad got me at the hockey game last night...

So we went to the Wild's preseason game against the Blues last night and there was a blues player who fell down after blocking a shot with his inner thigh. It reminded me of this goal (http://www.reddit.com/tb/2i8prv) I saw on r/hockey yesterday that JvR scored off his weiner, and told my dad about it.

His response: That's nuts! Good thing it wasn't in their own goal, that would've been a dick move.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grafiteballoon7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I sent my dad a text explaining how my day at school went. He always gives the best advice.

Me: So today in Acting class I managed to bruise my knee and cut my thigh.

Dad: Acting is dangerous. Perhaps you should do something less dangerous like football.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepretty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
🚨︎ report

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