Pasture bedtime
Then I realised. Where the f*** is my roof?
He’s outside now, looking forlorn…
And suddenly I’m the idiot....
“Mary, my wife, are you here with me?” “Yes, I am, dearest.”
“And Louise, my mother in law, are you here with me?” “Yes, I am, Paul, I’m here with you.”
“And you, children, are you here, Karen and Henry?” “Yes, yes we are, daddy!” “Then how the hell is the living room light left on?!”
Son, that’s ground beef
Too many dad yolks
Henopause
You never know when someone might jack it.
All nun essential staff are gone.
My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.
Ground beef
It's not right to Kikkoman when he's down
Because my old man always said I needed some cents, and a dime like you could be the change I need.
-this line has only ever gotten me chuckles :,)
I said uh oh casual-teas
he's out standing
They were paving the way for our youth.
Bro, sure
That was a fantastick sight to see
It’s going through Henopause.
Would ya just look at the ground beef
Sandy eggo.
A Goprone
To which he replied, “good thing you’re laying down”. Ugh.
Me: (Sits straight up) Arrgh Mateys!! Are you ready to sail the ocean blue!?
Just finished getting an electrocardiogram when my dad and I had this conversation.
Dad: "What did they do to you?"
Me: "E-C-G, Electrocardiogram."
Dad: "Isn't that an E-K-G?"
Me: "I don't know, I thought it was an E-C-G."
Dad: "So, if E-C-G and E-K-G are both for electrocardiogram, what the hell is an E-G-G?"
Me: "I have no idea."
Dad: "It's an egg, you idiot."
Russell
Edit: correct name spelling
That's what I call "Litter-ature"
A Sorbet
Matt
"can you hand me my water, it's clear over there (pointing to my water glass on kitchen counter). My wife responded "I'll get it for you, but it'll be clear over there too."
Unfortunaly I was very confused when she started to laugh her ass off, then it hit me and we both had a good long laugh.
and spooning lead to forking. Afterwards, I asked her why the teeth on sporks are so small. She said she didn't know so I said it is because they are tine-y.
Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.
As title says, we were laying in bed, my left arm hurt a bit, so I said "my left arm doesn't feel right." She replied "so does it feel left?" and proceeded to laugh hysterically for about 10 minutes.
I said I guess that they are not horsing around. She said that I am not funny.
Me: You're being rather affectionate tonight. What's gotten into you?
Her: I don't know. Maybe I'm seeing a different side of you!
Her: Sometimes I feel like your holding back when telling me things.
Me: [slides hand under covers to her chest] No I would never hold back, I prefer to be holding boob.
Responded with "That's my favorite dinosaur."
And suddenly I’m the idiot.....
