I have a problem with lying.

I just made that up

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marinmarge
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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He wasn't lying.
πŸ‘︎ 139
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ehnoscentteaya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they're standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Why was the nose lying in the gutter?

It was off its face

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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A man was walking down the beach when he saw someone lying on the sand with a banana shoved in the ear.

Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".

The person replied "what?"

> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"

> "WHAT??"

> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"

> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/defaultorpattern
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?

Sealion

πŸ‘︎ 220
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Passw0rdSUCKS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Well he wasn’t lying
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natnat301
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My blind friend kept lying to me...

It was hard for him to see the truth

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brady01234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
He wasn't lying, just saying
πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackBleedingGray
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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How can you catch on if somebody is lying?

They’re neither sitting nor standing!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/throwaway66878
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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How can you tell if ghosts are lying?

It’s easy. You can see right through them.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/battycoati
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend denied that he was a ghost, but I knew he was lying.

I could see right through him.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I once saw two men quarreling because both claimed that his family name is Fuck and the other is lying. After seeing their IDs, I found out that only one man was telling the truth, the one with the first name What.

What, the actual Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the carpet lying around?

It was feeling a bit ruggish

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FurriesRGay14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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My boyfriend’s cat, Jack, recently discovered the Amazon box lying on the floor. He jumped in and started playing in it. I guess you can say....

He’s Jack in the box.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsmeeeskai
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 252
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I walked in on my wife yelling that she hated low lying clouds...

I hadn’t the foggiest idea what I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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My mom told me I would never accomplish anything lying around in bed..

Look at me now, saving lives!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.

She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.

We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.

I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.

But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.

The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...

She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/filiprogic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
He be lying tho
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kendricklemak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
         One says, β€œWe’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
          β€œDoesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
          β€œWhat do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
          β€œI mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Lights out lying in bed. My wife just made this up: Which jokes are historians allergic to?

AntiHistoryMemes

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Today on the bus, I caught an absolutely disgusting low lying old pervert watching Porn..........

.......Over my shoulder!!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was lying beneath a tree pondering gravity, when suddenly an apple came tumbling down

. . . and then it struck me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/l94xxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are gay people bad at lying?

They can never make a straight face.

πŸ‘︎ 420
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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I can't stand when people are lying

I have to level with them

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?

Russle.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glassishalfull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
They aren't lying though
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/litboi2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, β€œOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”

The man says, β€œIt’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomsonc014
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Just lying on floor..
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamer1906
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Once a Bank of America Bank cheque was lying next to a Wells Fargo Bank cheque, they started talking to each other and became friends....eventually, they became so close that they became

chequemates ;)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RajdorUzu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

πŸ‘︎ 640
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I can always tell a person when they are lying, just by looking at them.

I can also tell when they are standing or sitting too.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they’re standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I can tell just by looking when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

πŸ‘︎ 797
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faiz_Clan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell if they’re standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peachyfluf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I can always tell when my ghost friend is lying

i can see through him

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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