I responded, "Who the hell is Oliver B.??"
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!!!” The husband, being a non-romantic sort, replied... “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”
Suddenly, the wife pointed out that it was snowing. The husband shook his head and exclaimed that it was just raining. After disagreeing for quite some time, they decided to ask their communist friend, Rudolph. He also exclaimed that it was raining. The husband then said to his wife,
“See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”
Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"
A few minutes later she came back and my husband wasn’t paying attention so I said “give her another, dad.” And he responded with “what’s wrong with the dad she’s got?”
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
A brad pitture
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:
This has to stop
I'm fed up
...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.
She asks: "What are you doing?"
He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."
"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"
"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"
and he did so on our dog’s paws
The husband replys: "Debra whoever receives your clothes surely won't be starving."
(I apologise if this has already been posted, I just heard my dad say it to me today.)
He thought it was a fine joke.
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
Then proceeded to say "well, if it wasn't ground beef before, it is now."
He freaked out when he found out my boyfriend is Black.
My dad: I tried to smoke a chicken once, but it wouldn't light.
He doesn't have a Reddit account old enough to post this one!
In his words:
Not sure if I've heard this one before somewhere, but it made me laugh when it popped in my head when I was waking up. The kids, however, thought it was lame! Here goes:
Why did the baker feel crap?...
Because he kneaded one.
This is my baby, and this is my bae-bee.
So he became 90
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
The husband says that he didn’t know she sold flowers
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
Such a random way to start a conversation.
“I think you mean Toe-laf”.
“Sure,” she replies. “Plethora,” the guys says. The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
>Here comes the plane!
The funeral director asked, “Can I say a quick word?” “Sure,” replied the widow. “Thank you,” the funeral director responded, “Plethora” “Thanks, means a lot” replied the widow
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
He replied “Yes, the others were all nines or tens”.
http://imgur.com/gallery/LVgGlW7
My eyes nearly rolled out of my head.
Another male in the coffin.
Anna I. Anna II. Anna I, II, III.
Scat
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
She still treats me like number two.
It was a booby trap.
I told him, "the baby...is resisting a-rest."
The pan was pretty hot.
She insists they stop by at a store to look at all the toiletries. On their way home, the woman stops to go to the bathroom because her stomach feels unsettled. When she returns from the bathroom, she tells her husband that nothing came out.
To that, he replies, “You must really like shampoos.”
“Don’t worry, they’re only contractions.”
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
"Hear here," she sobbed, asking, "who's there?"
"No," I said soothingly. "Who's on first. They're there."
"Oh." She said, seeing that I pointed to the flowers I had found in the cemetery on the way to the showing. "Thanks for coming by."
I guess you could call him my branch manager.
I asked him if he was a mushroom?
"No??"
"Because you're being really shit-talky right now"
One of my proudest moments
Husband: You have perfect eyesight
Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah
Wife: No, I mean at the store.
Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...
Husband: emphatic no, five letters Wife: never H: pistol, three letters W: gun H: disgust, three letters W: ugh H: charity, four letters W: give H: female sheep, three letters W: ewe H: Pixar movie, two letters W: Up
Wife: Would you please call our children by their name?
Wife: Michael, I’m over here!
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”
You stop pretending.
They were already stuffed!
her husband named him "Carson"
Get out of bed right meow
“No I’m a goose. My husband is a gander”
ESPN.
(Credit to my husband who just laid this one on our kids and I)
My husband: I know, this trebuchet is amazing. Let's get our son!
She tried to get Nick off her man.
Kids: Why?
Dad: So you can put your glasses on at midnight and hear her say 'I'm Barbara Walters, and this is 20/20!'
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Me, to dog: "It's cold out, I don't want to walk you, just go do your business in the yard."
Husband (providing dog's voice): "I'm not incorporated."
Criss Angle.
The Medium started a seance and said, in a sing-song voice, "John, if you are with us, please say something".
The Ouija board immediately started spelling out: S-O-M-E-T-H-...
Wife: THAT'S HIM!!!
He is my stepfather
"She was a great-grandma and a grandma."
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
My husband asked me when would be a good time to schedule his dentist appointment. Before I could reply, our 10 year old daughter replied, "Tooth-hurty, of course."
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
I said, "Marilyn Monroe was never a boy."
Me: "I need to call your insurance about breast pumps... see what they cover."
Husband: "Probably the boob."
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse...
They really loved that guinea pig.
The judge asks her, "First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six." A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks. He replies, "They had avocados!"
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
