A list of puns related to "Head Home"
It was a bust.
Because they were in the living room.
“That’s not very mature!”
Reverse cyclology.
That’s how I roll
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
"So how did your maths exam go? Did it all add up?"
because they know what they saw
I work in the investigations section of a military police department, and aside from our normal office hours, we have 24hr shifts that cycle through the office, so that there's an investigator present and on-duty 24/7/365.
My co-worker was wrapping up some paperwork this morning, and coming off of his 24 hr shift, and almost dead to the world. At the time, a pair of other investigators in my office were discussing some case that had happened a day or two prior that involved an emancipated juvenile.
I was just logging into my workstation to check my e-mail and I turned to my co-worker and asked, "Hey, so when a juvenile gets emancipated, and he announces it - proclaims it, if you will - what would they call that?"
He stares at me with a blank, uncomprehending expression and I continue, "An emancipation...proclamation? Maybe?"
The annoyed groans of someone who's been up for 24 hours are so satisfying.
I just couldn’t handle it.
When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"
The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."
Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"
"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."
Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"
The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."
"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"
The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...
"Denephew."
Me: confused that we aren't heading home Where are we going?
Dad: keeps staring straight ahead with a blank face Left....
Vonn Voyage!!
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa. He asks her - why did you say that? I don't know, I just felt like saying it. The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence. A month later at bedtime, the daughter says - God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma. Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath. The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime - God bless mommy....she turns her head and looks straight at him - and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night. The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled. His wife is up and waiting for him - Where the hell were you today??! He replies - Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says - You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...
I'm putting a rear end in my recliner.
This is more dad humor than a dad joke.
Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old.
I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained.
“When I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age.
I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2.35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2.35 so clearly you are catching up”
He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates.
I said sure I can and made a graph:
https://imgur.com/gallery/5atlNhZ
I even included percentages to drive home the point.
He smacked his head and walked away.
Pig plays the drums, Horse sings, and Cow plays the guitar. They’re all exceptionally talented, and form a band, supplementing other spots from around the city. They play local dives, some free shows in the park, and they begin to get some traction. Pig suggests they record an album, and they send demos all over. One label is willing to give them a shot, and they open for a B List name on their tour. During the tour, they amass millions of fans, and by the time they record their first major studio album, they have a following so big that 3 of their songs top the charts. They soon find themselves headlining their own tour, as well as every major music festival.
The three friends are over the moon with their success. Never in their wildest dreams did they believe they’d find themselves rubbing shoulders with music greats. It doesn’t come without its downsides, though. Pig has turned to coke and pills to help him get through the long nights. Horse loves the party side of his new life, and his band mates often hide bottles from him when they’re not dragging him, drunk, to his bed. Cow is sad. Watching his friends fall apart, he misses being home and when things were more simple. Keeping his friends in line and covering for them is taking a toll on his own health.
After a year and a half on the road, the band is in the studio attempting to record their second album. Horse is fast asleep, drooling on the mixing board, hungover from the night before. Pig hasn’t even shown up. Cow has a breakdown, and shakes Horse awake. “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Horse waves him off, and falls back asleep. Cow packs up his guitar and buys a one-way ticket home.
A few days later, Pig is all over the news. He’s in jail for possession. Cow watches the news and shakes his head. He knew it was a sinking ship. Horse hears the news from their manager, who is also calling to tell him that he quit. He wakes up to the phone call, and texts Cow, pleading to have a conversation. Radio silence. Horse stumbles out of bed and heads for his favorite pub. He can’t believe that he’s down two friends, that the band has split up, and his life is in shambles. He sits at the bar. “I’ll have my usual,” he says. The bartender leans over to hand Horse a whiskey. “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
I once knew a man from Greece. Every day he had breakfast in my father's café. And every day he signed the bill: "σε μένα". Whenever we asked what it meant he just shook his head, laughed, and walked out.
After a few years we became good friends, and he invited me to his birthday meal at a fancy restaurant downtown. He wrote down the address and signed it again, "σε μένα", once again laughing on his way out. When I got there I met his family, including his daughter Helen. When it came time to pay the bill he signed it, as usual, "σε μένα"; as he did Helen looked down at his hands, and she let out a groan. I asked her what the problem was but she just shook her head and walked out. The next day the man told me his daughter had taken quite the fancy to me, and he wrote down her phone number. Once again he signed it, "σε μένα", laughing as he handed it to me.
Helen and I began dating and eventually married. And since he paid for the wedding her father saw to it that his motto was everywhere. It was written on the invitations, balloons, napkins, bunting, you name it. Even the cake had the words inscribed on its side, "σε μένα". I had never seen him so happy as he was on that day.
As a wedding present he left us the family home, and handed us the keys to it with a smile on his face as usual. Sure enough those two words were all over, "σε μένα": fridge magnets, post-it notes, plates, bowls, knives, forks, the front gate, the doormat, the postbox, the bird-bath, even the license plate on his old car. When Helen and I had our first son, he gifted us baby clothes with "σε μένα" written on them, still shaking his head and laughing.
On his deathbed, my father-in-law took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him and his family. Framed on the wall next to him I saw it written again, "σε μένα".
And one last time I asked him what it meant.
And one last time, the man smiled, shrugged, and with his final breath he laughed and said,
"It's Greek to me."
One evening a big, rough, tough, gravel voiced Texan was travelling through a small town on his horse. He spots a local tavern and decides to get a drink. He ties his horse up, and heads inside.
He approaches the bar:
'Bartender! Get me a shot of your strongest whiskey'
He quickly knocks it back, and heads outside. When outside, his horse has gone. He storms back inside and announces to the punters:
'Listen up! I left my horse tied up outside not 5 minutes ago, and now she's gone. I'm gonna have 3 more shots of this here whiskey, and if she ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did back in Texas. And trust me, I do NOT want to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me another whiskey!'
So he knocks it back, and heads outside to check. Still no sign of his horse.
'I'm warning you, 2 more drinks to go, and if my horse ain't back, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And believe me, I DO NOT want to have to do what I did in Texas.'
The punters sat there nervously, fearing what could happen if the horse doesn't turn up. He knocks another shot back and goes to check on his horse, but still no sign. He crashes back in to the tavern:
'This is your last chance. If my horse ain't there after this last drink, I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas. And I repeat I DO NOT wanna have to do what I did in Texas. Bartender! Get me my last whiskey!'
So he sinks his last drink and heads outside. Much to the punters relief his horse is back! They all breather a collective sigh of relief.
As he's mounting his horse, one brave soul approaches him and ask 'Sir? If you don't mind me asking, what happened back in Texas?'
'Well son, back in Texas, when my horse went missing.... I had to walk home.'
So there was a man who considered himself the greatest fighter in the world. Every time he got in a fight growing up, he'd win, and it would never even be close. Eventually he ran out of people in town to fight, and he decided that he'd travel the world, looking for all the best fighters, and beat them in combat.
He travels to Japan, China, India, Russia, France, Ireland, going all about the world, fighting everyone who thinks they're the best fighters in the world- and beats them easily. There's no real sense of competition, he just defeats every challenger in humiliating fashion.
But travelling the world looking for the best fighters takes a lot of time, and there's always another person thinking that they're the best fighter in the world, so he issues a challenge to anyone in the world who thinks that they're the best fighter to come to his house and fight.
The day arrives, and HUNDREDS of people have shown up. All of the best practitioners of all the world's martial arts have shown up. There's a group of judoka from Japan, Israeli Krav Maga artists stretching out on one side of the room, the Muay Thai artists are doing light striking to warm up- everyone seems represented here. The guy who started all this says "OK, there are a lot of you here, and the only way we'll be able to finish this today is if we group you all up by discipline, you all form a line, and I'll beat each of you in turn."
So he starts with the wrestlers, who line up one at a time. One at a time they come at him, and none of them last longer than a minute before having their shoulders pinned to the ground. Not only do they all get beaten, but it seems like this guy is actually winning his fights faster as the day goes on! Some of the fighters from the other disciplines watch this display, and they start leaving.
The guy looks at his watch, and realizes that three hours have gone by in fighting the wrestlers. So he gestures to the Muay Thai artists and says "I'll now fight you, but I'll fight you four at a time!" The Muay Thai fighters figure they can knock this guy out quickly, then settle the honor of who the best fighter is amongst themselves, so they line up four by four, rush in, and in a flurry of elbows and knees, they all end up knocked out on the ground. Four by four the Muay Thai fighters rush in, only for this guy to remain standing after all of them. This is intimidating to the other fighters who are watching, and more people start heading home.
H
... keep reading on reddit ➡She says: "On my way." "Oops. Wrong chat."
I replied: "Where you headed?"
Her: "Home"
Me: "Oops. Wrong chat."
Her: "I hate you"
Me: "How did you not see that coming?"
Her: "I don't know; I'm tired."
Me (c'mon, everybody, sing along) "Hi tired, I'm Dad!"
Yes! Dusted off the classic with minimal effort on my part.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡On the bus home with my 4YO last night and he cracked himself up with the following joke.
4YO: Mum pull your pants over your head
Me: What,why?
4YO: Because you are a smarty pants.
Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
And…
The coffin stops….
... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.
Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.
He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.
His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.
Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.
This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.
The moral of this story?
Don't judge a brook by it's clover.
We were walking down the street and I saw the upcoming intersection was "Fairwell Ave."
When we reached the crosswalk, I said I should head home, and then followed up with, "I guess this is farewell."
Eyes rolled but it was worth it.
Pfizer vaccination on Friday night at a local CVS. The place was packed and there was an older couple there thanking everyone for getting vaccinated. When my wife and daughter got home they were telling me about how packed it was. My daughter mentioned the older couple and said that when they thanked her, they asked which shot she received. “Pfizer”, she said. The couple said, “Well we’re Moderna folks!” My daughter asked me why that mattered…. Well, I said… In 2 years, all of us Modera folks will have grown two heads and all of you Pfizer people will probably have four arms. My daughter then looks innocently at both my wife and I and said, “what about the people that got the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?” My wife and I completely lost it… we laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. My daughter started laughing too, but had no idea.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
Because I never dyed.
Then I came to the conclusion that they're just all kept in a dadabase.....
I'll see myself out 🚪🚶🏾♂️
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
I was heading home with him in the back seat and he hit me with this one.
Kid: "Daddy, watch out, there's a curve ahead!"
Me: "OK, I see it"
Me: Takes corner as usual
Kid: PSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: "What was that?"
Kid: "It was a sharp curve and it popped your tire!"
Me: wipes proud tear from my eye
After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."
He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
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