My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with supermarkets.
"Do you want any help with your packing?" I said.
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
After Orville and Wilbur’s first horrific and fatal plane-accident leaving their remains scattered on the tarmac, the chief medical examiner approaching what was left of them simply asked:
My husband says he is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
Dad leaving for his golf game
Dad: "Did you keep my two pair of pants?"
Mom: " umm but why two ?"
Dad: in case i get a hole in one
A group of physicists came to my restaurant today, ate then explained what the force required to accelerate a mass of one gram at a rate of one centimeter per second squared is. Then when my attention was elsewhere, they all left, leaving behind a bunch of hyphens...
I should have known they'd dyne and dash.
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves. Every time they put down a post
One day all mathematical signs gathered together in order to go into an adventure. Right before they were leaving, they didn't let the equal sign go with them.
They wanted to live an adventure without equal
My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I've had enough. I'm leaving you."
"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
I told my wife I'm leaving her while she was giving birth to our child. She asked if I was kidding
My wife is leaving me because Im suffering from Alopecia.
I announced that I was leaving town to go watch Moana
they don’t know how far I’ll go
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...
Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.
I saw Kate Middleton's sister leaving a plastic surgeon's office the other day, but I can't tell you what work she had done.
That would be a Pippa violation.
What did the pig captain of the ship say before leaving port?
I'm leaving r/dadjokes...
Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
After seeing Watt leaving the Texans
The team’s power ranking will only get lower.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hind sight is 1.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....
I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.
My hat told me he was leaving me
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
I'm never leaving a living will.
As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?
From the mouths of babes (in this case my seven year old daughter as I was leaving this morning...)
Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.
Me: I've never been more proud.
What did the bull say to his son leaving for university?
What did the Indian say to his mother after leaving Bombay?
A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews
Apparently it was a real hatchet job
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.
So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.
As I was leaving the vet’s office, he said “Here is the bill..
Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.”
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
Ducks love raw potatoes and will attempt to unearth them with their bill. Enthusiastically mistaking rocks for potatoes can cause damage leaving them...
What did the pie say to the muffin upon leaving?
This dog won't stop leaving me alone
My wife is leaving me because I suffer from Alopecia.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
My hat told me he was leaving me
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