I thought I had found the best optometrist southwest of Alaska...
But it turned out it was an optical Aleutian.
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
I'm not sure if my ceiling is the best i've ever had
but it's certainly up there.
One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her “my next ones will only last 50 seconds!” She said, “Really?”
And, I said “Yes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!”
My best friend said they had an exam that was a piece of cake
Then I got confused because I only saw questions about pi
Martha had always listened to her parents when they said ‘stay away from fire’, but today, her interests got the best of her and she intentionally lit herself on fire just to see what it felt like.
Martha was burning with curiosity
I interrupted my friend when he said he had the best egg puns saying...
I’m really happy for you Omelette you finish, but I have the best egg puns around
I remember when I once had a friends named Eni. We were best friends until one day, she gossiped about me and stopped hanging out with me. The following day, a teacher asked me if a had any friends,
I responded with “No, not Eni.”
When my grandma died, I had her cremated and put her ashes in a trophy that said "World's Best Grandma."
My best in the moment pun i have ever had
In the gym today, guy is having to get his lock cut off because he lost his key. Joke around with guy for a bit because i have done the same.
As he is walking away....
Him: "you have a good day man"
Me: "you too, better lock next time"
I hear him groan, look to the guy next to me with a dumbass smile on my face and he rolled his eyes. Hahaha
Had my best man speech for my best friends wedding yesterday and I finished with a great one
"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception
- thanks for the upvotes! Never thought I'd see the front page, it's been a pun-ishing wait to get there
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time.
So my dog was barking at something outside and I was chilling in my recliner. I called her over to me, looked her dead in the eyes and told her she has barkinson’s disease. I then burst out in laughter almost falling out of my chair.
What ancient civilization had the best canoers?
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my eight year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two, you have two, son.
Son: Nope.... I have four. Point to belly two kidneys here... points to legs... and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Which dad had the best mother-in-law?
I’m talking with my sister in law about the fruit salad she made (my best quick response I’ve ever had)
Last family picnic my sister in law made a really good fruit salad. I was talking with her an my spouse’s aunt about it. SIL was saying how she’d gotten a mini pineapple and mini watermelon for the salad.
The aunt asks “where’s you get all these mini fruit”
Without skipping a beat I reply “the minimart!”
We had a contest at work for best neckwear. It was a tie.
My wife had the best dad joke of the year.
Obligatory formatting from cell phone sorry.
Series of events that unfolded.
Laying in bed with wife she rips the tag off her pillows and says
Wife: I’ve been meaning to do this “bye-bye”
Me: geez Nancy pelosi
Wife : points at pillow it’s pillowsi.
I had a dream last night that I posted the best Dad joke ever on Reddit,
Thanks for making my dream come true.
We had a neckwear competition and the contestants all brought their best
but in the end it was a tie.
I had the world’s best showerthought but it got washed down the drain. Now it’s just a pipe dream.
I had the best steak ever yesterday.
I had the best Grand Slam breakfast I've ever had at a Denny's this morning.
They really knocked it out of the park.
My dad is the most dad jokingest person on earth. This morning he had a heart attack. He's stable and was making dad jokes all the way to the hospital. I need your best of the best jokes for me to tell him when he gets out of surgery.
Best audience I've ever had!
The best sex I ever had was on a camping trip.
I went to the butcher at my local deli. He said he had the best meats.
I said do you want to bet on it? He said sad no, the steaks were to high.
Got my girlfriend with probably the best dadjoke I've ever had
We were jokingly talking about how awesome I was:
Her: How has no one grabbed you up already
Me: I'm overweight and difficult to pick up
edit: how to formatting?
Exchange I just had with my best friend.
Her: "What's wrong with weird?"
Me: "He's not a cute weird......he's obtuse weird. SEE WHAT I DID THERE? SEE?"
Her: "I don't catch your angle."
I love her.
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