I said "Eh, she's alright I guess."
She can't hear me otherwise.
Because she urned it
My so-so grandmother got me socks.
My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."
Background: My wife is pregnant with our first, and her great grandmother had over 20 single births. So we were talking about labour:
Me: Don't worry, love, you've got great genes for labour.
Her: Yeah, I know. : S
Me: But you're really going to have to take them off. They'll definitely get in the way!
So, I went to this garage sale advertised in my area, and these people lived on this hill, so I was driving really hoping that it was worth it. And OH. MY. GOD. I found the cutest coaster ever. It was a work of art, and I was so intrigued to find out that it was the last thing the owner's great grandmother had made. And so as I was heading back to my car, I tripped, and the coaster got sent flying down the hill on it's side, only breaking when it hit a tree on the way down. To ease up tensions, I chuckled a bit.
I laughed, they cried, it was a roller-coaster of emotions.
He just back from driving my grandmother home from visiting her friend at the hospital. She's 87 in great health but does nothing but complain about anything and everything, even though she lives with family and has company all the time.
He walks back in the house and says "Wow I didn't even hear her complain once!"
My daughter made the megaphone with her hands and yelled "Can you hear me baba...did you go deaf!!"
I went to visit my girlfriend's family for dinner tonight. The grandparents are there, parents, grandkids, everyone!
We're all sitting in the living room talking. I turn around and look at a picture on the wall from when the family was in Disney World. I had mentioned I have never been before and the following conversation happened :
Grandmother: What?! I thought everyone had been! We would of taken more trips but he (points to grandfather) is afraid of flying!
Grandfather: My arms get too tired!
Everyone groans and he and I bust up laughing!
He and I are going to get along great!
We're all eating dinner and my grandmother is over.
Gma: Cbreezy's brother, you look like you got really sunburned recently!
Bro: Yeah, I got it playing football, dad got it pretty bad too.
Dad: No, you got son-burn. I got dad-burn.
Que my overzealous laugh.
Edit: Format. Phones aren't great for posting...
Note: even though my great grandmother made this joke I feel it was dad-joke worthy.
While visiting my great grandmother (she's 96 yrs old during this time) recently she asked my dad for a foot massage, my dad happily obliged. She told him that he'd made her so proud in life to have a grandson like him and how wonderful he is while receiving the foot massage. My dad have the best massage he could muster for a good 30 minutes before he was too tired to continue. When my dad had finished massaging her feet he asked "how was that grandma?" Which she replied with "I haven't felt anything in my feet in 10 years" then she burst out laughing to the best that her health would allow. She passed away a few weeks later, she always played jokes on us even to her last days. Thanks for reading.
Rest in peace great grandma
TL:DR grandma needs new legs.
My grandmother brought over a German fruit cake called Stollen (it's not that great).
Grandma: I don't know if it'll taste good this year, I didn't make it. Dad: You didn't make it? Does that mean it's... stolen?
He's made this joke three years in a row.
Mom: don't worry, I'll be a great grandmother to your children!
Me: I kn-
Dad: don't you have to be a grandmother before you're a great grandmother?
Then he just cracked up while I let my head rest on the table for a few minutes
They said she's a great grandmother.