An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Have you heard about the disease you get from kissing birds ?
It's called Chirpies. It's a canarial disease. It's untweetable.
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...
But getting over it was a piece of cake.
My wife tried to get me interested in this documentary about Alaska and its people.
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it ...
What did the bagel say when he was about to get eaten at breakfast?
Excuse me, but I'd like to propose a toast!
A Vulture is about to get on a plane.
Do you have any baggage to declare?
No thanks, just carrion.
Did you hear about the woman who refused to get her female cat spayed?
She was arrested for littering.
I used to get told off about calling people out
Now I just use their names.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/…
A guy made a hurtful song about me and I couldn't get it out of my head.
My boys were arguing about who would get to drive the go-kart around the track...
I told them, "You guys should take turns".
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Beauty and the Beast is a great story about a beast who is almost condemned to be stuck as a beast forever but gets...
Did you hear about the iguana who couldn't get it up?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do corals even get stressed about?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked
now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Edit: Wow! My first Silver and my first Gold! I am honored. What an amazing community. It's a great place to visit after a challenging day.
If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..
They'll add consult to injury
My dad was telling me about his doctor’s appointment today. He needed to get some vaccines, but because of Covid he would have to go to the office and they would give them to him in his car.
He said he was going to be involved in a drive by shooting.
Did you get it? How about now?
I never get jokes about low flying clouds.
There's always something I've mist.
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.
What do you get if you have a subsciption to a magazine that is all about fathers?
I was just reading this story about a guy who went through several tough breaks in life and couldn’t get ahead. One day he just stopped talking and his only way of communicating was through hand and body motion.......
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...
When my Dad gets drunk, he always tells stories about his prize chickens.
He sure loves his cock-tales.
I keep thinking about how fun it would be to get a couple friends and go out to the lake. Maybe rent a pontoon boat.
I dunno, I’ll float the idea by my brother.
"Let me get this straight, you want me to write a kids song about a dog with a funny "name-o"
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?
Did you hear about the first Neanderthal to get an 8-pack?
I guess you could say he’s ab-original.
What do pl’ants say when their about to get watered?
If you get an e-mail from the CDC about tins of pork being contaminated with COVID-19, don’t open it.
Damn I heard about this one cult, but it’s really hard to get into
I guess you could say it’s pretty diffi-cult.
What did the electrician say about when they get zapped?
"Shockingly, no matter how many times the experience cycles, it still always Hertz."
At what point did the tomato realize he was about to get lucky?
When the garlic started taking off her cloves.
My wife volunteers as a crossing guard, but gets really mad at me when I tell everyone about it.
I say, “She’s into human trafficking.”
My jokes about dropping pancakes never get a laugh.
How did the Figure Skater know he was about to get in trouble?
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it!
If anybody gets a message from me about canned meat
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”
That was the punchline...
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don't open it!
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