A list of puns related to "Food Shop"
I think Iβll call it Pain DβExpress.
A Bar-B-Queue
Itβs been a week already and I'm just getting hungrier and hungrier.
βI live in Spain without the βsββ.
This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.
Itβs about to Bahrain jokes without the βBahβ.
I have a double China without the βaβ.
Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the βanβ.
Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.
You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the βJβ.
You probably canβt Kuwait to stop reading these without the βKuβ.
Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.
As youβve probably guessed, I donβt even have one Nepal without the βNeβ.
All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?
I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the βDenβ, of course.
"Look at this!" I said. "It contains 95% fat!"
She replied, "You're just pointing at me in a mirror."
Me: Hey look, venison burgers!
Her: Venison's deer isn't it?
Me: No it's only Β£1.50
Her: sigh
...but the yolk's on her.
Make sure you don't mix alcohol with that sauce
"... why? "
It's prego
"groans"
Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".
I asked if I could finish my plate before going shopping and he answered that I should eat the food ...
I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.
At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.
Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?
Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.
Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?
Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.
No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.
I said to my dad "It would be so cool to have a Bugatti Veyron!" He came home after food shopping and said "I got you a bagguetei Veyron." while holding a baguette
...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.
Me: That's a Segway
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donβt think theyβll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donβt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
βEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, βThe good news is..itβll feel better when it quits hurting.'β
Whatβs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
βIβll call you later!β- βPlease donβt do that. Iβve always asked you to call me Dad!β
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
βMy dad literally told me this one last week: βDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.ββ
βWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, βNo, just leave it in the carton!ββ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnβt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iβve ever read, Iβd say: βWow, thatβs coincidental.β
Iβm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itβs house? Igloos it together.
βMe: βDad, make me a sandwich!β Dad: βPoof, Youβre a sandwich!ββ
βI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
βHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyβre all girls, otherwise theyβd be uncles.β
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth β its pasteurized before you even see it
βWhatβs Forrest Gumpβs password? 1forrest1β
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: βDonβt worry; this is a piece of cake.β I said: βNo, itβs a math problem.β
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donβt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iβm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit β‘I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!
My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"
She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, βDo you want a liftβ. βNo thanksβ, they replied, βWeβre Walkersβ.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said βthatβs maderia cakeβ.
Bought some cream, it said βstore in a cool placeβ. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says βI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the otherβ. The doctor says βIβm afraid you are a trifle deafβ.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisiteβ¦ βwhat a pity it isnβt illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adamβs banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because itβs too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When itβs been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charleyβs death? BEN and JERRY.
Donβt eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you wonβt be able to budge.
You know youβre a mom ifβ¦ Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say βOLE!β
FORGET LOVEβ¦ Iβ
... keep reading on reddit β‘Why couldnβt the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween Iβm going to write βLifeβ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy Iβm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
βHalloweenβ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Iβll be your trick if youβll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Whatβs a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A βhollow-weenie!β
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
Iβm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doβ¦ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, βA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?β The other monster replied, βBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youβre not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itβs Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iβm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italianβs eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why canβt the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyβre hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itβs Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
If an orthodox Jew is out shopping for food, are they koshery shopping?
We were in the meat section of food world, picking up some food for dinner.
I ask, "what's the cheapest meat you can buy?"
He looks up from the grocery list and says, "I don't know?"
"Deer testicles. They're under a buck."
He audibly groaned and was not amused. Needless to say, I think I'll be doing the grocery shopping on my own for a little while.
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
I was out with some friends, we were grabbing some food at a local coffee shop. Their prices were fucking sweet, like three bucks for a sandwich. Anyway, I placed by order:
The cashier nods and says, "Thank you, that'll be $8.10"
I replied, "It's about to be ea-ten"
I'm pretty sure they spit in my food...
Producing a amateur stage show which features Mr Trump. He ends the show setting up a small shop/fast food /grocery shop in a small rural location.
What would his shop be called? Hit me with your puns!
I'm thinking of opening a shopping center which specializes in only the stores you can never seem to find when you want them. For instance:
So we return home after food shopping. Sweet potatoes for sweet potato fries. Fuck yes. I was being pissy about how long we spent shopping and started helping with the cooking. I snapped saying we should have just cooked before going shopping. My girlfriend turned to me and said, "But we didn't have enough thyme on our hands"...
Edit: Grammar...
I went out with a buddy to a restaurant / sandwich shop where you order your meal, they give you a plastic card with a number on it that you place at your table and then they will bring the food out to you.
Waitress walks up and places the sandwiches on the table.
W: "Enjoy your meal, can I have your number?"
Me: ..points at left hand "Sorry, but I'm married"
She gave a fake smile and I gave her the plastic number card, me and my buddy laughed for a few.
So just now my Dad was looking through the local takeaway menu because I was heading over the shops and he wanted something to eat, so he finally decides that he wants a burger, hands me a Β£5 note and says "It'll be about 3 pounds" to which I responded "That's a lot of food, you sure you don't want a quarter-pounder instead?"
Unfortunately I was the only one chuckling to myself.
When I helped him out in the shop:
Me: I think I put that bolt in the wrong hole.
Dad: Did it slap you?
Me: What?
Dad: Well, if it didn't slap you, then it wasn't in the wrong hole!
Bonus dad joke:
Me: What's for dinner?
Dad: Something with food in it.
(Every single night)
Dad: So tomorrow I am going to lost wages Me: What? Dad: Las Vegas, get it? -5 minutes later- Dad: We need to go shopping to whole paycheck Me: ? Dad: Sorry I meant whole foods, get it? cause it takes a whole paycheck to buy food there!
So a couple guys and I went out to the local sandwich shop the other day, and when I get my sandwich there's some small but noticeable mold on the bread. I go back in to let them know about it and they make me another sandwich. I've got two sandwiches now and figure a bit of mold won't kill me. But it's a lot of food so I give half to my friend.
Then I say, "Hey, I just ate half my sandwich, and I've still got a whole one."
So my friend replies, "Well, I guess you can half your sandwich and eat it, too!"
Me and my brother both come home to find my mothers been on a shopping trip, bags of food are everywhere in the hall and alone on the stairs is a large piece of cheddar cheese. I ask why the cheese is there and my brother responds..
"Its on the naughty step, it wasn't being mature"
So when I was about 7 years old I had a strawberry plant, spring and summer passed and there were no strawberries on it. My Dad came home from food shopping one day and told me to check my plant, so I did and there were these amazing strawberries just perched on top of the plant. I grabbed them and ran in to my Dad(ecstatic that I had grown fruit!) and he was sat there laughing eating a strawberry.
βI live in Spain without the βsββ.
This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.
Itβs about to Bahrain jokes without the βBahβ.
I have a double China without the βaβ.
Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the βanβ.
Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.
You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the βJβ.
You probably canβt Kuwait to stop reading these without the βKuβ.
Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.
As youβve probably guessed, I donβt even have one Nepal without the βNeβ.
All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?
I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the βDenβ, of course.
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