Never buy lettuce from the Mamas and Papas Grocery
Just got home from the grocery store with stuff to make dinner, and my dog went straight for the bags.
I yelled “Get out of there, that’s nachos!”
Thought of this well bringing in groceries.
I was asked to compare English to French.
Well, that's just like comparing grapes to raisins
Saw a cute cashier at the grocery store,
I was confused as to how much lettuce to buy from the grocery store, so I called my wife.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...
All I said was: kale, seitan.
My wife texted me from the grocery store to ask about our pasta supply.
I replied "we're penneless."
My dad went to the grocery store for a pack of cigarettes.
He came back with the cigarettes but told me he filed for divorce.
When I go grocery shopping, I always buy one pear
And then demand a second one, due to false advertising
I ordered some ripe, juicy, golden yellow mangoes from a grocery store. But all the mangoes they sent me were green.
A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store
The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"
I picked up a couple of orchids at the grocery store
Now I know all about plant parenthood
Grocery store merger
Just reading the the wall street journal. Stop and Go grocers and PDQ gas ⛽️ are merging. They will now be called. Stop and P
Grocery Store
I took my son to the store to get some ingredients for dinner. We were having Mexican food, and when we got to the aisle with the salsa, my son stared indecisively at the shelves. After a good minute, he still hadn’t made a decision and I knew my wife would be wondering what was taking so long.
So I told him,
“Son, pick up the pace.”
Grocery humour
After she rang through all my items, the cashier at the grocery store asked “is that everything.” I replied “no, but I can’t afford everything.”
Heard y’all like puns (flies were found dead, butter was found at the grocery store in the dairy isle)
What does my son call the grocery store?
The “No” factory! (legit)
My favorite grocery store cashier suddenly disappeared. When I asked what happened, they said-
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
Went to a new local grocery store called mommas and pappas. I bought a head of lettuce but just couldn't eat it...
Because all the leaves are brown.
The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, “It’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.
In truth, it was just rad-ish.
Me to my teen age daughter in the grocery store while I hold a melon.
“You cantaloupe! Your too young”
Where does Brutus do his grocery shopping?
A magician was walking down the street, and then he turned into a grocery store.
It was quite the amazing trick.
I was walking into the grocery store today and this guy asked if I wanted a pamphlet on saving the planet
My brother and I both picked up bottles of mouthwash on the same grocery trip...
I guess you could say we really got our Acts together.
Grocery stores are now carrying gluten-free beef.
It's made from cattle that have Silly Yaks' disease.
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store
But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not
I went to the grocery store and the sign said no food or drinks inside.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Went to the grocery store and asked for 3 pounds of potatoes. "We don't have pounds", the grocer stated, "only kilos".
Annoyed, I went, "fine. I'll take 3 pounds of kilos then".
Why dont grocery stores sell clothing?
Because they don't know what the woolworths.
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
[OC] death goes grocery shopping
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. “Kobe!” I shout. “No.” He says in a disappointed tone...
Police were called to the local grocery store today
A man walked into the produce section and took a leek.
I saw a lobster escape a grocery store tank
I asked my daughter if we needed anything at the grocery store. She said "Soy Sauce."
I replied: "Ola Sauce, Soy Dad."
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
I was at the grocery store the other day getting flour
When a guy walks up next to me and grabs some yeast.
So I said, "A man of culture, I see!"
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I told my friend a secret about the grocery store.
Found at the grocery store
There was a sale on citrus fruit at the grocery store...
It's for a lime-eted time only!
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
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