My parents never approved of my job at the aquarium, feeding the baby dolphins. They felt like I could do something more important.
I know it might not be much, but I still feel like I'm serving a small porpoise.
A man got hit by a car and felt tired. A few months later he got hit by the same car again.
My wife is pregnant and mentioned today that it felt like the baby was kicking her crotch
I said “that’s a low blow, even for a baby”. She did not appreciate the humor but I hoped you all might.
My dad was telling me about the lizard when it felt threatened and had detached its tail
He said something about the lizard going to the re-tail store afterwards
My wife asked me how sex felt after my vasectomy.
I told her I didn't notice any vas deferens.
The cannibal felt sick after the debate
He must have eaten something that disagreed with him
My neighbor told me that after switching to a vegan diet, they’ve felt so much better.
But I think they’re full of baloney.
I felt ashamed about my one night stand
So I finally went to IKEA to buy another
I was at church, and I felt the need to throw up.
Luckily, there was a box near the front door that said "for the sick".
I felt devastated that my girlfriend and I didn't have any chemistry together anymore
She switched classes, now we only have English
We were both shaking a bit as I took her out. I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't my first time. When I reached my hand down, I could feel she was already wet. I felt around until I found it and slowly slid my finger in the hole. That's when I knew it for sure.
I was definitely going to need a new boat.
I met this guy the other day, felt real bad for him, clearly out of his mind on drugs AND he had a lisp
I'll tell ya that guy was methed up
Constantly telling dad jokes is causing a rift in my relationship. We are now seeing a Marriage Counselor. The therapist asked me how I felt.
I thought it was touching.
I walked in my bathroom and saw 10 ants frantically scurrying about. I felt bad, so I built them a small house from a cardboard box. I guess, technically, this makes me their landlord since...
After a long time, i told my hot co-worker how i felt. She felt the same way...
So i turned on the air conditioner....
What did the cabinet make do when he felt cold?
I felt proud for this one
My wife asked me how I felt about not making it in my record attempt at pole vaulting
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
"Son, do you know why helicopters never fly in the morning?" Puzzled, he responded, "No idea." I smiled and said...
A German guy went on a vacation to Miami to escape the German bitterly cold atmosphere. On his first day of the trip, he headed to the beach and had some mai tais.
Unfortunately, he has a low alcohol tolerance, so it did not take him long to be drunk.
He felt a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, decided to answer nature's call right on the sand.
Then, out of nowhere comes a lady, also a tourist. She was frightened and shrieked: "Gross!"
"Danke."
I asked my dad how he felt about having the best son in the world.......
He told me to ask my Grandad!
Never yell into a colander.
You’ll strain your voice.
I asked my girlfriend if she felt haunted.
Because I’ve been seeing people behind her back.
I was literally the only person at the cinema last night wearing a mask watching spider-man. I felt like such and idiot.
One guy even came over to me and said "oi mate! Can you even see in that thing"
After having 3 kids, i've felt a bit of burnout.
I'm constantly tyred and exhausted and i don't get a brake.
A nervous teenage stick of butter approached his parents because he felt very clarified lately.
He sat his parents down and muttered: "mom, dad, I'm ghee".
Good times never felt so good
And I’m sure he felt the burn too!
Never felt prouder for making a Harry Potter pun.
“Nice shirt is that felt?”
How did Darth Vader know what to get Luke for Christmas?
My friend with a wooden eye was always shy around girls. Last week he met a girl with a wooden leg and finally felt confident and asked her, "Will you go to the dance with me?"
She replied, "Would I?"
He responded, "Fine! Peg leg, I'll go with somebody else!"
I had a frightening experience last night. I was in the bathtub relaxing…
And I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder
You know why I hate elevators?
Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
My friend is leaving her wife for making coffee so badly.
She felt it was grounds for divorce.
True story: This morning, I rolled over my 3 year old daughter’s foot and felt really bad…
I asked her if that hurt and without even a tear in her eyes… or a smile on her face, she says “uh-huh, now we have to call a toe truck.”
Couldn't help but to add a little Seal-pun in my latest video. Took almost as much time to make as the intro. It really sealed this one as my highest effort video yet. Despite the length I felt it wasn't watered down... (should be a Direct link to the pun, if not, 7m 54s in)
youtu.be/Ut-7PjwSGeE?t=7m…
A bull bought a bottle of shower gel for a ram as a gift. A ram felt a little bit awkward
because he usually use baa soaps.
I meant to make a Star Wars pun yesterday.
A girl at work decided to get a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character.
You should’ve seen the Luke on her face.
My dad loves the summer solstice because he can get home from work and text us:
"Man, today just felt like the longest day."
My final work dad joke
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
Sam was so happy, he felt like singing. Know what he did?
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
After a long time, I told my hot co-worker how I felt. She felt the same way!
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
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