I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
I suggested a new name for the planet Saturn to an astrophysicist and he seemed to like it
He said it had a nice ring to it.
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said “I like to bill them later.”
I saw yet another fence joke but this one seemed a bit out of line
So I offered to repost it
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
My cat really seemed to enjoy her fresh meal today...
I was trying to sell my car to this guy. He asked a bunch of questions about it and seemed interested, then asked “cargo space?” I was confused and told him no.
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
I was going to buy the world's most haunted house. I toured it, but it seemed like a normal house...
Nothing jumped out at me.
Websites have always seemed kinda fat...
I guess they have a lot of cookies...
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
I met a Mexican fellow that always seemed very pale, as tho drained of color...
The vice president seemed kind of worried and lost in thought the other day.
My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
"The crow seemed to be calling his name", thought Kaw
Two ants seemed to be having a race on a package.
A 3rd ant joined, and beat them both, and started gloating about it.
The two ants said, "that wasn't a race. We were just following instructions."
The 3rd ant asked, "what instructions?"
The two ants said, "see right here, it says 'tear across dotted line.'"
The man at the recycling center seemed so sad
So I asked "Why so down in the dumps?"
a star walks into a black hole and doesn't seemed phazed. the black hole turns to the star and says...
...i don't think you understand the gravity of the situation...
Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
But then I realised I had the binoculars the wrong way round
A brunette asked her blonde friend why she seemed so sad, she said I'm really upset because my cat lost his tail.
The brunette said, well why dont you take it to Walmart, it's the largest retailer in the world.
The wife seemed way too eager to pull the trigger on that divorce...
I just got a haircut that I didn’t like. My hair seemed too short....
But eventually it grew on me
My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that's trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
I had to use tortillas while making an Indian recipe, but nobody seemed to notice.
It seems my guests were naan the wiser.
You said I seemed a little blue. That's funny because I am in fact turquoise.
Thor seemed pretty mad at thanos at the end of infinity war
I guess you could say he snapped
My wife and I were fighting while driving. It seemed like neither of us wanted to back down.
But in the end, we struck an Accord.
I had some flowers in a vase, but they died. I looked at them again a few hours later, and it seemed they had come back to life!
I guess it was reincarnation
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
A silly idea I've had for a while and today seemed like a good day to draw it.
imgur.com/a/nJza5
That image of a black hole seemed dark.
Maybe they should have used a flash.
The violinist always seemed to have problems with his instrument.
Since he was constantly fiddling with it.
Chinese emperors all seemed to get killed in cruel ways...
They all seem to die nasty.
My sister in the US Navy broke her foot, and has to wear tennis shoes instead of boots, to properly heal. She said that they made her buy new black shoes, instead of her normal shoes. She said that it just seemed so petty to make her do that...
I told her that it sounded like a decision that came from a Petty Officer.
This might seemed forced, but I fear it's awakened something within me.
In science class we were trying to put up a badminton net and no one seemed to understand how. It’s not like it’s rocket science
I once knew a pen that drove a paper car which always seemed to be ripped.
He was a tearable Parker.
My grandma watched Scarface for the first time and seemed confused and disappointed.
She said, “The guy knew nothing about scarves.”
This past weekend seemed like the shortest weekend in a while.
Stairs have always seemed a bit suspicious...
They always seem to be up to something
Last night it seemed darker than usual.
Me: Hey doesn't tonight seem darker than usual?
Co-worker: Well isn't it a new moon or something.
Me: Well what happened to the old one?
Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away
But then I realised I had the binoculars the wrong way round...
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