My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
My vet picked up my dog, looked at him and confirmed that he was cross-eyed and that he had to be put down.
Confused and upset, I asked why.
The vet advised he was too heavy to hold any longer.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
My wife looked at me beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son could go so far!”
I said, “I know. This trebuchet is amazing. Go get our daughter.”
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
The wife looked concerned when my son showed an interest in electricals at the age of 5.
He asked about the neutral wire.
I said "don't worry, its just a phase."
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
I looked up my family tree.
Saw a fish riding a bicycle the other day. Shocked, and curious, I asked it, “How on earth is this possible‽” Fish looked at me and said:
Nothing, silly. Fish don’t talk.
I looked up the word 'opaque' in the dictionary...
....but the definition is unclear.
My goldfish looked really skinny, so I added some steroids to the aquarium water.
Now things are Hunky Dory.
Not many people know what Mount Rushmore looked like before it was carved
Its beauty was unpresidented
I asked my wife about a ballerina in a picture who looked familiar. She said it was Anna Pavlova.
I said I thought her face rang a bell.
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.
He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”
“They are to keep your shirt done up” he replied.
I was working behind the bar today when two guys came in and tried to pay with a couple of counterfeit £10 notes. When I told the manager, he asked what they looked like..
“Like £10 notes” I told him
My 16 year old son told me I was a simp (probably because I'm looking to get into a new relationship), after I looked up the meaning I told him:
You must be a Simpson then.
At a job interview the interviewer asked me why i had a 4 year gap in my resume. I told him, that it’s because i went to yale. He looked impressed and told me i’m hired.
What did Tigger see when he looked in the toilet?
My wife looked shocked....
When I dropped that toaster in the bath.
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
The Beatles looked out for eachother in preschool
"What is the second letter of the alphabet?" The teacher asked Ringo. But Ringo wasn't sure.
But because Ringo had found himself in a time of trouble, John came to him and whispered words of wisdom
"Letter B"
I told my wife this looked too tacky
This is a joke my dad would make.(When someone said we looked good.)
Yea, they get there looks from there mother, Cause I still got mine.
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.'
My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!
I haven't looked Bach since!
My kid just told me I looked different with my glasses on
I thought that was the whole point of them.
I looked my child in the eye and told them they were not my son
Because I have a beautiful daughter instead
My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...
"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I sat next to a guy that looked identical to me.
I looked in the mirror and realized how hot I've become
I have to stop wearing hoodies on summer.
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
My partner said that I looked constipated in our pictures
I was tryna hold my shit together
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?
Because they were all married but you
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
I made some toast and refused to give our little doggo a bite. My kids asked why she looked so sad...
I told them she was lack-toast intolerant.
I looked in the cupboard to find some Indian bread
We were cleaning out our closets today and my wife forgot the code to her luggage, but luckily, I managed to figure it out. I looked her and gloated proudly...
"Well, I guess you can say...I solved the case!!"
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
“You know, one would have been enough.”
The first day of flying class, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “Wow! What are all these buttons for?”
He said, “They are used to keep your shirt closed.”
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would have been enough.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
"you know, one would have been enough"
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