Fathered Puns

So I have an uncle, once removed.

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

Thanks for the Baghdad!

He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out." The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?" The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."

I still have flashbacks.

"Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

He was a real faux Pa.

He's a plastic surgeon .

I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.

He always told us one day he'd be a dead beet Dad.

He's wrong, son. The fingers should be eaten separately.

He texted me to warn me that it was an old school, analog wok, not an Ewok.

And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.

The Father responds with: “You bet your ass!”

is this a dad joke? No, son, its not. he replied. Can we stop it with all the sex jokes please? they aren't dad jokes and probably belong in plain old /r/jokes.

Sorry for the anti joke here, but its really getting old.

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

Never take quartz for granite.

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

Data

"You're no son of mine"

Now he's my father-in-slaw.

Bison

Because all he does is eats, shoots and leaves

-Taxi Vader

“Get whale soon"...

Feliz Navi Dad Joke!

Before he leaves, the father says, “It’s a bison burger”

He was a great man but a terrible Fireman

After eating dinner with my parents and grandma, I got a bag of Little Bites Fudge Brownies from the pantry. My grandma asks me if they were from the box. I hold them up and point to the package and say “no they’re from the bag”

My dad and I lost it and started crying. Pray that we find it soon.

Father: What a horrible way to Dyson

Joke sucked, I know

It was his vinyl request.

His son asked him why the book was so fat. The father replied "It's a long story"

Santa forward.

Yeah, he can clock you a good one.

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

Trans-parent

Bi son!

Father-in-law

The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."

So, I have an uncle, once removed.

So, I have an uncle once removed.